GloJoMo

The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle

2009-02-14T11:25:00.002-05:00

I just started reading this book (because of the recommendation of an High School acquaintance that I reconnected with through facebook) and the book speaks to me in a way that makes everything clear and possible. I can feel a huge shift inside myself. I can feel a change for the better happening right now.

In the introduction Tolle describes how he came to be the spiritual teacher that he is today and then he proceeds to write the book in a question and answer format.

I will quote the most profound thing I read today,

"You have probably come across 'mad' people in the street incessantly talking or muttering to themselves. Well, that's not much different from what you and all other 'normal' people do, except that you don't do it out loud. The voice [or your mind] comments, speculates, judges, compares, complains, likes, dislikes, and so on. The voice isn't necessarily relevant to the situation you find yourself in at the time; it may be reviving the recent or distant past or rehearsing or imaging possible future situations. Here it often imagines things going wrong and negative outcomes; this is called worry. Sometimes this soundtrack is accompanied by visual images or 'mental movies'.... It is not uncommon for the voice to be a person's own worst enemy. Many people live with the tormentor in their head that continuously attacks and punishes them and drains them of vital energy....

The good news is that you can free yourself from your mind....

When you listen to that voice, listen to it impartially. That is to say, do not judge. Do not judge or condemn what you hear, for doing so would mean that the same voice has come in again through the back door. You'll soon realize: there is a voice, and here I am listening to it, watching it. This I am realization, this sense of your own presence, is not a thought. It arises from beyond the mind."

I connected so much with this portion of the text because I have always felt as if I have had two warring sides inside my brain -- not necessarily voices telling me to do things -- but two voices arguing with each other, constantly arguing with each other. I suddenly felt as if I understood what has been going on all this time. My self was arguing with my mind -- that old devil and angel on your shoulder thing.

But more importantly is that I realized that Tolle is right -- allowing our minds to go on and on unchecked like we do -- that is a form of insanity. The ego, he says later in the book, is when you believe that you are the thoughts in your mind. For example, you have evil thoughts, so you are an evil person or you have brilliant thoughts so you are a brilliant person. This is what keeps us from being enlightened and finding our true selves.

Suddenly, after years of reading about meditation, studying buddhism and hinduism, and searching for peace, I found in this book very simple instructions that not only made sense to both my mind and my self, but also seem very doable.

He also says the description of an addiciton is that you cannot stop yourself from going back for more, and so we are addictted to thinking. In this way we have become slaves to our minds. When a memory comes to mind and we begin feeling anxious or nervous or any other kind of emotion, the mind has taken control of our bodies and is using it like a puppet. He continues to explain that the mind is a tool to be used when necessary and then put down when we are finished with a task.

It will no doubt be extremely difficult at times, but I can do this. I can practice monitoring my thoughts without judging them. I can learn to use my mind when necassary and then put it down. I can become enlightened.

Perspective

2009-02-09T11:47:00.002-05:00

So, I've been reading my Complete Idiot's Guide to Hinduism (which is amazing, btw) and it is helping me to remember everything I learned in India. Which is extremely important for me right now, with all I'm going through.

So this is what I've been thinking:

EVERYONE it seems is living my dream. Almost every new friend I reconnect with from High School is a stay at home mom with beautiful homes, husbands, and children. Not to mention all of my married family with young kids are also living my dream (same as above).

It's hard enough to deal with my infertility and knowing that even if I do get pregnant I can't afford to stay home with them, but then to see everyone living my dream, it is too much sometimes.

So this is what I know I need to be thinking because it is healthier:

God has a plan for me, whether I understand it or not. He knows what is best.

Also the grass is always greener on the other side.

My husband is perfect for me -- I want a husband that is NOT tied to his job, that is NOT more concerned with a big paycheck than being home with his family. If I had a husband who made more money (with a more demanding job -- because those two go hand in hand) so that I could afford to stay home, then I would be extremely unhappy. I told him once, I'd rather live a life of unrealized dreams with him, than to live a life of realized dreams with someone else. That's how much I love him.

I have so much to be happy for. I have a comfortable home, a wonderful husband, an amazing, caring, loving, family, great friends, a very stable job in this wavering economy which allows me to afford infertility treatments and provides great healthcare, overall good health, awesome dogs who make me laugh all the time, and a big screen tv to veg out in front of. :-)

Isn't kind of unappreciative of me to feel dissatisfied because I don't have more? I have more than most people in this world.

I am blessed. Thank you God.

I want to cry! :'-(

2009-02-04T19:48:00.003-05:00

I'm so depressed right now, I really feel like crying.

First, and worst of all, I haven't ovulated yet (I was supposed to ovulate on Mon.) and so I can't have Artificial Insemination done until that happens. I feel like I'm so close to getting pregnant, but my damn body won't cooperate.

Why haven't I ovulated? Hmmmmmm, I don't know. Maybe all the damn stress at work! I left second grade to get away from ISTEP pressures and now they've followed me to third grade. Since testing is now going to be done in the Spring instead of the Fall, I get all the pressure and responsibility for making sure my students pass the ISTEP.

My biggest peeve is that all research points toward Test Prep NOT being effective, but every year as we approach testing they require us to stop our regular instruction and do nothing but test prep! I HATE it more than anything else I can think of right now.

Oh -- and I'm cutting WAAAAY back on my sugar intake because I think that may be effecting why we're not getting pregnant too. So I'm suffering withdrawals. Anyone who's ever tried to quit any kind of addiction knows how I'm feeling right now.

So I have all this on my shoulders -- plus I had a long day today, straight from work I had a meeting, and immediately following that I had class at IUSB.

So I'm home, hungry (no dinner ready and waiting for me either -- I have to fend for myself), I'm tired, stressed, and very upset that I'm not ovulating. I try telling this all to my husband and after trying to listen and solve my problems he tells me that I fucked up the checkbook again and so we overdrew our account!!

Right now I feel like I just need to crawl under a rock and die. Seriously!

DECISIONS, DECISIONS, DECISIONS!!!!!!!!

2009-01-05T17:50:00.003-05:00

As a child, we get sick of everyone telling us what to do. We want to be able to decide for ourselves.

Then, when we become adults, and all the consequences of those decisions rest on our shoulders, it is no longer attractive.

Can't someone make the decision for me?!?!?!?

Where should we move to?

I want to move because I'm not really happy here in South Bend. Everything is so limited. For example, when I looked into boxing there was little to nothing available in this area; so then I started looking into becoming a yoga instructor and again very little if anything. Also it seems the cost is always higher because of the lack of supply.

And don't get me started on the lack of sunshine around this place. Today was a sunny one -- thank God! But normally we can go weeks at a time and never see it. I can't handle that.

So places we'd really consider moving to--

Colorado Springs, CO = We have a friend there (who used to live here) and he says if we visit we'll never leave. He loves it. It offers the 4 season (that Jesus loves) and 300 days of sunshine a year (which I love). Also the school systems have taken on a new way of paying teachers -- less seniority based, more merit based -- which I like.

Austin, TX = It's TEXAS (my home state), it's the music capital of the world (Jesus LOVES good live music), they have real Mexican food, it's a liberal minded city (like us), it's closer to my family. It's warm and sunshiny. I have a friend living there.

San Antonio, TX = It's TEXAS, they have real Mexican food, some of my family lives there, and it is closer to the rest of my family, it's warm and sunshiny.

Even though San Antonio has less of the things we want, it has family, and that is important to Jesus and I as we get closer to actually starting a family.

Any comments?

Random Thoughts

2009-01-03T12:40:00.003-05:00

Christmas

This Christmas Jesus and I didn't buy gifts for each other and we asked our families not to buy gifts for us either. Believe it or not, everyone granted our wish. It was a great Christmas. We were able to focus on the joy of giving as opposed to receiving. I had more fun watching my nieces and nephews open their gifts than anything else.

My Parents

I love them so much. They put us up in Texas for about 2 weeks and were the PERFECT hosts. They waited on us hand and foot. We didn't have one hunger pang the entire vacation because they always had hot, delicious food ready and waiting for us. My parents give and give and give and never ask for anything in return (except a little appreciation). The older I get, the more I can appreciate all the have done and all they do for their children.

Becoming Parents

No parent is perfect (not even mine) and I understand this. Every parent will screw their kid up in some form or fashion. Still, I worry that I will not be a good enough parent, that I will fail somehow. With pregnancy becoming more and more of a reality, my insecurities are popping up more and more. All I've ever really wanted was to have children of my own and raise them well. What if I get the children, but can't raise them well?

Boxing

I think I want to look into some form of boxing for exercise. I have always had a lot of pent up anger (verging on rage). I don't know where it comes from, but it is there. Jesus has been my punching bag for the last 10 years and he suggested I take up boxing instead. I told him I didn't want to go to work with a busted up lip, but he's pretty sure that there is protection I can wear and that it wouldn't get that serious anyway. I don't know about that -- I've seen women fight and they an get nasty. Still, I think I'm going to look into it. I'd love to punch something really hard!

31 years old

2008-12-07T12:46:00.002-05:00

Yesterday was my 31st birthday! Something about replacing that 0 with a 1 makes being in my 30's more real.

Suddenly my biological clock started ticking louder than a drum. So needless to say, we will begin Artifical Insemination in January.

Wish us luck or pray -- whatever your preference.

Amma

2008-12-07T11:45:00.002-05:00

Last weekend I took my mother-in-law (a saint herself) to see Amma, the hugging saint. We drove through snow, sleet, and rain to get to Dearborn, MI. A trip that was supposed to take about 3 1/2 hours ended up taking 5. Although we saw many slide-offs along the way, we arrived safely.

Amma gives darshan -- a blessing -- in the form of a hug. She will sit for 12 to 24 hours at a time to give hugs to everyone who comes to see her. Luckily for us, she will allow first timers and older or sickly visitors to go ahead of others. Since my mother-in-law had never seen Amma before and has back and knee problems, they didn't make us wait our turn. We waited less than an hour before we received Darshan.

I was brave enough to ask for a "Baby Blessing" (as I call it). She simply touched my belly and gave me Prasad -- food blessed by the Guru. I use the word "brave" because #1 -- by asking for the blessing, I am revealing my faith and #2 -- I'm also putting my faith to the test.

Faith is something I have always struggled with -- to believe in something that can't be proven, well, I just never thought I'd be able to do that. To be honest, I'm even a little embarrased by it -- like people will think I'm simple-minded. Also what little faith I have is so weak and vulnerable, the slightest inconsistency could obliterate it.

I guess I figured it was worth the risk.

Childhood Friend

2008-11-23T20:52:00.003-05:00

Growing up I had a best friend who lived just two streets down from me. In the excitement and impatience that only children possess, we discovered a shortcut that saved us a few extra steps to each others' houses.

I broke my leg at her house when I was five. Her mom curled my hair for picture day once. Our older sisters AND younger brothers were friends.

But then, she moved away. We wrote once or twice to each other but somehow, we lost touch. I've thought about her often. When modeling for my students the idea of writing about something that is special or important to you, I used her as an example.

Who would have guessed though, that our paths would ever cross again?

Through the wonder of technology, our younger brothers' paths crossed. Now I have her e-mail address and am looking forward to her reply.

Snow Drops Keep Falling On My Head

2008-11-17T19:53:00.002-05:00

This is the first year I wasn't looking forward to the snow... until it starting falling in those beautiful lake effect flakes.

The dusting started last night and I felt the childlike excitement building. I wasn't even upset at having to scrape off the windshield this morning.

But when I saw the fat, wet clumps of snow falling as I drove into work today, I knew that deep down I will always look forward to the snow.

Day of the Dead Party

2008-11-03T21:23:00.002-05:00

This one's for my Bub...

2008-10-26T20:04:00.001-04:00

(Bub is my nickname for my husband)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!

New Post

2008-10-21T18:51:00.002-04:00

So I was told it was time to post something new...

But right now I just don't have much to write about. I could just list some random thoughts. Here goes:

Hmmm... I'm empty. Sorry!

I will blow your pants off!!

2008-10-07T19:37:00.002-04:00

Below is a student's writing sample (verbatim). Let me set it up for you. This girl is not in my class. Her teacher was absent and they couldn't find a substitute, so they split the kids up, giving each teacher a few of them. She ended up in my class. This was also the day we administered the school wide writing prompt. The topic they were given 50 minutes to write about was "Hanging Out with Friends". Below is what she wrote:

Me and My Friends

Hi, My name is E----- and this is my friend Sam. Today my mom is taking us to the mall for some shoe's then we are going out to eat and skating. How cool is my mom? I will yell it out loud to the hole earth even my tearcher Miss Moya She is so cool you would what her. She will blow your pants off. And on fun Friday she is even cooer you sould see her your pants will fly off way to the sky and they miet not come down so you miet whet to go home in you shirt or go home in you pants. One time me and my friends wear in her class for fun Friday we had cake and icescrem. And a baninis Splits get in the splits. She is nice she always look nice She's be nice to anyone in her class she's cool when one of her kid have a fit or when there is a bad game and even when her kids are talking to much. You should hear her sing it is like an god in the sky. I mean she is the best. I am so happy I have her today as my teacher. Good-bye.

Damn! No one ever told me I was so awesome! ;P

Serenity

2008-10-07T18:12:00.002-04:00

I've been getting steadily upset recently with our education system. I see so many problems with it. The biggest problem being that the government is putting fear into the administrators and teachers. This, in turn, is causing everyone to make dumb choices which ultimately harm our children.

Can you say No Child Left Behind?

Didn't think so.

So today, during our Teacher Training Day, when they mandated that a four-hour assessment tool be used every quarter, I really wanted to flip out. I was more upset than I have been in a while. So today, when I came home to meditate, it suddenly hit me.

This is out of your control! Focus on what you CAN control. What can you control?

And suddenly I began picturing small, smiling moments between me and my students and a huge weight was taken off my shoulders. I am not making the kind of impact I'd like to be making (because of forces out of my control) but I am making a difference and it matters to these kids.

This Guy is a Genius

2008-10-03T18:42:00.002-04:00

I'm against the $85,000,000,000.00 bailout of AIG.
Instead, I'm in favor of giving $85,000,000,000 to America in a "We Deserve It Dividend".
To make the math simple, let's assume there are 200,000,000 bonafide U.S. Citizens 18+.
Our population is about 301,000,000 +/- counting every man, woman and child. So 200,000,000 might be a fair stab at adults 18 and up.. So divide 200 million adults 18+ into $85 billion that equals $425,000.00. My plan is to give $425,000 to every person 18+ as a "We Deserve It Dividend". Of course, it would NOT be tax free. So let's assume a tax rate of 30%.
Every individual 18+ has to pay $127,500.00 in taxes. That sends $25,500,000,000 right back to Uncle Sam. But it means that every adult 18+ has $297,500.00 in their pocket.
A husband and wife has $595,000.00. What would you do with $297,500.00 to $595,000.00 in your family? Pay off your mortgage - housing crisis solved. Repay college loans - what a great boost to new grads; Put away money for college - it'll be there; Save in a bank - create money to loan to entrepreneurs; Buy a new car - create jobs; Invest in the market - capital drives growth; Pay for your parent's medical insurance - health care improves; Enable Deadbeat Dads to come clean - or else.

Remember this is for every adult US Citizen 18+ including the folks who lost their jobs at Lehman Brothers and every other company that is cutting back. And of course, for those serving
in our Armed Forces. If we're going to re-distribute wealth let's really do it...instead of trickling out a puny $1000.00 ( 'vote buy' ) economic incentive that is being proposed
by one of our candidates for President. If we're going to do an $85 billion bailout, let's bail out every adult U S Citizen 18+! As for AIG - liquidate it. Sell off its parts. Let American General go back to being American General. Sell off the real estate. Let the private sector bargain hunters cut it up and clean it up. Here's my rationale. We deserve it and AIG doesn't.
Sure it's a crazy idea that can 'never work.' But can you imagine the Coast-To-Coast Block Party!
How do you spell Economic Boom? I trust my fellow adult Americans to know how to use the $85 Billion. We deserve it more than the geniuses at AIG or in Washington DC do. And remember, The Birk plan only really costs $59.5 Billion because $25.5 Billion is returned instantly in taxes to Uncle Sam. Ahhh...I feel so much better getting that off my chest.

Kindest personal regards,
Birk
T. J . Birkenmeier, A Creative Guy &
Citizen of the Republic

PS: Feel free to pass this along to
your pals as it's either good for a laugh or a tear or a very sobering
thought on how to best use $85 Billion!!
--
When told the reason for Daylight Saving time the old Indian said...
'Only a white man would believe that you could cut a foot off the top of a blanket and sew it to the bottom of the blanket and have a longer blanket.'

Not Ashamed

2008-10-02T21:19:00.004-04:00

If you've hung around me for very long, then you know I talk about my depression, anxiety, and infertility. I'll talk to you about the anti-depressants I'm on and even my menstrual cycle. Every-once-in-a-while I'll get a look that says, "Whoa! Too much info," which is probably true. I don't have a well functioning floodgate. But the truth is, I know that there are MANY women (especially teachers) who are on anti-depressants and are afraid to talk about it. So, I just put it out there. My hope is that I'll help take the stigma away from mental illnesses by talking about it.

After I got back from India I was convinced that if I could just eat right, do my yoga and meditation everyday then I could cut back on my meds and maybe even one day stop it altogether. But, I'm just not able to handle it all. I'm feeling the weight of all of my responsibilities keeping me from being able to raise my spirits on my own. So even though I'm a little disappointed that I wasn't able to ween myself off these meds successfully this time, I realize several things:

1. I don't want to go back to where I was before I started taking meds.
2. Jesus doesn't deserve to go through THAT roller coaster again.
3. I gave it a good try. I can always try again next summer.
4. I'm not giving up, I'm just getting a little help to get me through the tough times.

So tomorrow when I go to see my psychiatrist, I'll ask him to please bump up the dosage again.

I Believe

2008-09-11T15:53:00.002-04:00

So, what do I believe?

"I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way. Show them all the beauty they possess inside. "

Ha! Okay seriously. I was thinking, if I'm going to risk my job and not just teach what someone tells me to teach, then I better have a solid idea of what is I believe in and how I'm going to run my class.

So, this is just my rambling thoughts. Try to keep up! :)

Kids need a lot of play time!! We are cutting down so much of their outside time now because of NCLB. They get a total of 15 min. during the day to play outside. Because so many of them have asthma now, many parents are afraid to let them go out and play when they get home. Even I hate being in doors all day! We need to get outside more! And just play games in general. Kids learn through games and they don't even realize it. Plus it is a great motivator and they learn social skills and working together as a team.

I can't even sit still in a seat that long -- I can't imagine why anyone would ever come up with the idea of making a kids do it! I've already replaced individual desks with tables, but I'm using these as desks. I'd eventually like to do away with anything that resembles an assigned desk. When I work, I will choose differnent places for different purposes. At home I NEVER sit at a desk.

Students don't care about learning right now because they can't see any reason to learn it. We are teaching a list of objectives to make sure that they pass some stupid test a year from now! When this is our reason for teaching it loses all meaning for children. We need to create projects that have purpose and meaning for the students. Like instead of writing a story on a prompt they could (as a class) put together a newsletter about what they did last week in school for their parents, the prinicpal, etc. Write a play that they later perform. You know what I mean?

Kids need a job. They need to feel like they are contributing something to the world. They need mentors -- they need to be at real jobs with real people and help them with simple tasks. They will feel important, like they matter. I'm not talking about child labor. I'm talking about exposing them to the real world. So when they say why do we have to learn this -- someone other than their teacher can say -- this is why you have to know it and it will make immediate sense. Since, I doubt that will ever come to pass (unless I start up my own charter school) I'll need to figure out how to give them jobs with in the school. Like mentoring younger kids or something.

Those are my four of my very strong beliefs right now.

Harmony

2008-09-11T15:37:00.002-04:00

"Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony."
Gandhi

Well, this explains my feeling of disharmony!!

What I think:

Our school system has everything backwards! Students are not meant to do Test prep, sitting in their sits quietly, reading for points, writing on a given prompt, etc.

Our parents need to be more accountable.

What I do:

Everything I just said was backwards! Why because that is what my boss tells me to do. But, I don't believe in what I'm doing!

Don't get me wrong -- I have been slowly trying to change things in my classroom little by little to resemble the classroom I want to have and not what administrators mandate. But that is a scary thing to do. Our school is in it's 4th year (I think) of not making adequate yearly progress (this is No Child Left Behind talk) and we are at the stage where we are having to make big changes and show lots of proof that we ARE teaching. I believe we are like a year away from the government coming in and getting rid of teachers who aren't "performing". This is a scary thing. I hate being controlled by fear, but I allow it to happen a LOT!

So, I guess these are my choices:

1. Start teaching the way I believe.

2. Get used to not being happy.

3. Leave the profession altogether.

4. Find a school that gels with my beliefs or allows me to teach the way I believe.

5. Create my own charter school and do it all "MY" way!!

All dressed up!

2008-09-07T20:21:00.004-04:00

Somehow, I got my sari on and I think I did it right. There are many different ways to wear it. I wanted my stomach covered. I just can't get used to it being exposed. So I wrapped myself up pretty well.

How to Wear a Sari

2008-09-07T15:20:00.001-04:00

Well, tonight is my Lilly Endowment dinner and I am going to wear my Sari for the first time. I had a friend show me how to wear it in Inida, but it is difficult (more so than it looks). So I thought I'd look to see if I could find a youtube video explaining how to do it.

Not only does this girl's version look a lot easier, she is REALLY funny. So, I had to share.

Wish me luck!

Well today got even "better"

2008-08-28T21:03:00.004-04:00

I had a VERY unruly child throwing a chair, slamming my door, taking things off my desk and chucking them, stamping all my papers, standing on chairs, etc. You get the idea. It was horrible.

I'm so used to our old principal who did not like you to send students to the office that I didn't even think of sending him. I figured "I'll deal with this on my own, like I always have". I've had a lot of success with ignoring this type of behavior. For example the student who tore apart my classroom and wrote FUCK YOU with a crayon on my things, got his act together and I only had to ignore that one episode.

Good news is this principal will not tolerate it. She said I should have send him to her immediately and he would have been suspended! I was very pleased! Looks like something might get done about this kid after all. He's been like this since kindergarten!

Not to worry... he is up for testing for Emotional Handicap. If this kid doesn't qualify, then no one should.

Still, it is enough to make you think... "Why am I doing this job?"

I had thought about changing to a private school over the summer, but that was only because I was hoping to teach Spanish to elementary kids. (I could never do the older kids.) I've always felt that if I'm going to be in a regular classroom (you know not teaching something cool like art or Spanish) then I need to be with the disadvantaged kids. I feel like I'm a pretty good teacher, but more importantly that I'm a very loving teacher. I feel like these kids need me more... I don't know I guess rich kids need love too. ;)

Only 3 weeks into the school year...

2008-08-27T20:02:00.002-04:00

And I had a student walk out of class while I was talking to him and another who refuses to work. And these are only 3rd graders. I just keep reminding myself to document everything and remember what I have control over and what I don't.

Keeping up with my schedule is difficult. Waking up at 4:30 every morning is getting harder it seems. Staying calm during the day is getting more and more challenging.

My meditation is definitely suffering. I find it difficult to sit for even 10 minutes and I was up to 20 by the time I left India.

I don't even want to talk about my diet.

All I can do is keep trying. I know I make it sound horrible, but the truth is I wake up at 4:30 more days than I don't, I am eating better than I used to, I am handling stress better, and I'm at least I'm sitting down to meditate.

Hair Pic

2008-08-27T19:30:00.003-04:00

Not the best pic, but you get the idea -- a choppy uneven growth. Jesus will probably trim it for me tonight to even it out.

Now that I'm back home, I've finally figured out how to put a photo in with text. I'll have to start putting photos from my trip in with commentary.

Possibilities

2008-08-24T18:18:00.003-04:00

So, I've been thinking. My husband is a very talented writer (and editor) in my humble opinion and a few others' too, but he lacks the courage or the motivation (not sure which - or maybe both) to actually sit down and write a book.

I, on the other hand, have little to no talent as a writer, but can be very motivated and overly optimistic when I want to be which often allows me to accomplish things I never thought I could. So, I figure with my drive and his skills I could write a book. (This is assuming he is willing to help me).

What in the world would Gloria write a book about? you might be asking yourself right now. Well, I figure I'm not creative at all -- so it'd have to be a true life story (I'm good with the truth).

So why not write about my summer adventure, what led me to it, and how it has changed me?

Jesus mentioned writing up a little article and submitting it to teacher magazines or yoga magazines and that got me thinking...

I'm too sexy...

2008-08-23T13:45:00.002-04:00

for my HAIR! According to the majority of people I talk to, my hair looks great like this and according to one, I'm even "sexy"!

Hmmmm, let my hair grow and hassle with it every morning or keep it short, simple, and sexy?

Tough choice!

Petition for Topless Men

2008-08-16T22:30:00.003-04:00

Sign below if you agree that the olympic men's beach volleyball teams need to play topless.

1. Glojomo

Time keeps on slippin'

2008-08-14T20:22:00.002-04:00

I'm tempted to complain about all the things I have to do and how I don't have enough time for this or that. But the truth is that it is all a state of mind. I think I just need to be present in the moment and enjoy it and quit worrying about all the things I have to do.

**SIGH**, I'm trying really hard to hold on to the lessons I learned in India. It is just so difficult to apply them in the U.S.

Grouchy!

2008-08-12T20:47:00.002-04:00

Well, for the first time since coming back from India I'm feeling grouchy and the amazing part is that I had a great first day of school. It wasn't any frustration with the students. Maybe it is just adjusting to the stresses of working a full day again. I don't know.

I know what jerked me out of my happy mood. I was walking the dogs and some neighbors down the street let their dogs run out the door and charge the fence (which comes right up to the sidewalk) just as we were approaching. I thought I had control of the dogs (and was just starting to think -"I've got this") when Ella pulled out in front of me and charged the fence. I was mad at the neighbor guy for letting his dogs out even though he saw us coming, but more than anything I was really mad at myself for not being able to handle it.

I tend to beat myself up when I can't do something that Jesus* can do. But I have to remind myself that I'm not nearly as big and strong as he is and that just Marley by himself weighs almost as much as I do. So, I have to resign myself to the fact that I will never be able to comfortably walk both dogs at the same time by myself.

Also, it doesn't help that I planned on taking them by myself because Jesus* told me how tired he was, but he assured me that he would go too. So I waited, and he fell asleep and decided he wouldn't go after all!

Jesus* and I are trying to adjust to living together again. We both enjoyed doing things on our own time this summer. We'd like to keep doing things on our own time, but we'd also like to see each other for more than a hour or two a day. I've been getting up at 4:30 in the morning and going to bed around 9:30. He averages a midnight bedtime and wakes up around 7:00. Between dinner, dishes, dogs, e-mail, and taking care of me -- there isn't much time left. I really don't know how people do it with kids. What is the point of being married if you never get to spend time with the person?

Where is that peace I had earlier today? I think I need to meditate again.

Great Weekend!

2008-08-10T18:24:00.005-04:00

In celebration of our 9 year anniversary, Jesus* and I went to Indy for a Los Lobos/Los Lonely Boys concert. It is called the Brotherhood Tour.

We met up with Jav and Jen for dinner (they drove up from Lexington to spend some time with us -- so sweet!) We settled in our room and then had dinner at the Weber Grill. GREAT FOOD AND DRINKS! I highly recommend it. Then they went to a baby shower and we went to our concert.

We were able to be right up near the stage. The only people between us and the stage were the groupies in front of us and the security guys. After Los Lobos played, I got my t-shirt signed by all of them. Jesus got his CD signed by all of them. It was pretty awesome. I think Jesus* will put a video on his blog from the concert. It's not a very good video, but it gives you and idea.

I used my friendship making skills I learned in India and we made two new friends while we were there. :) Caroline (or Carolynn) and Victor. They are also big Lobos fans. They took pics of us at the concert and told us they'd find us on facebook and send us the pics! They also told us that there is an Ozomatli concert (well, actually they're opening for somebody) next Friday. They said if we decide to go, that we should hook up. We haven't decided if we'll go, but it sure is tempting. I've always wanted to see them in concert.

After that, we met up with Jav and Jen again and went out for snacks and drinks. We found a nice Irish Pub. We had a great time. We stopped for a little while at the Slippery Noodle (popular blues club) but it wasn't everyone's thing, so we left soon there after.

This morning, we went and had breakfast at the Red Eye Cafe (we had breakfast there once before with Herminia) and then went to see the Bodies exhibition. Have you heard of this? Where they've taken real bodies and somehow perserved them in almost perfect condition so that you can see everything! The most amazing part was seeing all the blood vessels and arteries that still held the shape of the body, floating in liquid!! I also highly recommend this. I bought the book that has pics and explanation of all of the exhibits and I'm going to share it with my students.

The weather was great the whole weekend. Now we're home and just chillaxin'.

Meditation

2008-08-08T10:53:00.004-04:00

The other day Jesus* and I saw a woman being walked by her German Shepherd. It was really excited, looking everywhere, and sniffing everything. I immediately thought to myself -- that's my mind when I'm trying to meditate! It is like it runs out in front of me and pulling me this way and that, starts sniffing around. It is very difficult to make it heel.

Still, I love sitting down to meditate. I find I would rather do that than just about anything else I can think of. I was able to get my mind to "heel" the other day. I began feeling frustrated and I finally just shouted (in my mind) STOP! And I was amazed to find that it did. I had to keep saying STOP to keep it from going anywhere, but it worked (for a little while anyway). It was a great feeling.

Also I love bowing (or prostrating -- I'm not sure which is the proper term to use) to the little alter I set up too. It feels good. I can't explain it, but my whole body feels good when I prostrate.

Today I saw my psychiatrist (yes I have a psychiatrist) and he is willing to help me wean myself off my anti-depressants. :) I guess he figured I'd already started doing this without him, he might as well help me do it right. So far I've been feeling great. He thinks in 2 months, if I'm still doing well, I get stop all together!

India Pictures

2008-08-06T21:33:00.003-04:00

I'm in the process of uploading all my photos to my Web Gallery. Notice the link to photos on your left.

Routines

2008-08-05T07:30:00.002-04:00

I knew that once I got busy again, I'd slip right back into my old ways. Unless, that is, I gave myself a guideline (an ideal) to follow. So before I left India, I made a schedule of what I'd like each day to look like. I'm very pleased that although I haven't kept up with the times I had set up, I have kept up with most of the routine. Now work starts back up next Monday and that's a whole new ball game... but at least I have a good start.

I have eaten a little more than I've wanted to at times... and I have indulged in a few things I originally didn't want to indulge in (banana split, coke), but for the most part I've been eating a lot less than I used to and really thinking about what I choose to put in my mouth before I eat it.

I've set up a little alter in the spare bedroom. Now I just have to make room for it.

Most importantly I'm filled with so much gratitude and happiness. I find it so much easier to see the bright side of things than I did before I left. I really feel blessed.

9 years of Marriage

2008-08-03T22:27:00.003-04:00

Jesus* and I will be married 9 years as of August 5, 2008. We were married young and despite the fact that no one approved. We have struggled, both financially and emotionally due to our early marriage, but you won't hear regret in our voices as we talk about our life together.

After spending 7 weeks away from him (the longest separation we've suffered) I appreciate him all the more. How many husbands would happily support their wife on a 7 week long trip halfway around the world? And how many of those husbands would do home improvement projects instead of taking advantage of their "free" time? And how many of those would encourage their wife to shave their head? Not many!

Happy Anniversary Bub! I love you.

*Since I have been writing a lot about religion I don't want any confusion. I will use * to indicate my husband, as opposed to the religious figure.

Post 22

2008-07-31T16:20:00.001-04:00

July 28--

It was totally unexpected, but I got Darshan from Amma today. I was reading in my room, waiting to hear the three bells that indicate Amma is coming to the temple. I rushed down, eager to finally get a good look at this lady. I found a seat almost directly in line with where she would be sitting, but I was several rows back. First we all meditated together. Any prayer or meditation usually starts with chanting the word "Om" three times. It was so powerful today. The temple was pretty full and everyone was so excited that you could feel the vibrations all over your body. Then Amma talked about the recent bombings in India and talked about the recent threat to Kerala. She said death is nothing to be afraid of, it is like seeing a long lost friend again. She was smiling/laughing/giggling during most of her talk. I'm not sure what that was about.

Then they said anyone who is new and leaving today or tomorrow morning or anyone who is "really, really, really, really, really sad" can come up for Darshan. I didn't get up right away because I thought, I'm not leaving until tomorrow evening. A girl I was sitting next to suggested I go anyway and kindly pushed me into line. I was a little nervous. I didn't know for sure what to expect and there were so many people pushing in line and everyone was watching Amma so closely. I thought, they're going to be looking at me for some kind of reaction. Just thinking about getting a hug from her made me want to start to cry. I don't know why, I just know I wanted to cry. The people ushering you to and from Amma are a little rough because they have to be. There is no time to explain or kindly ask you to do this or that - they simply push you. So, someone grabbed a hold of the back of my head and pushed it into the proper position. Naturally, I wanted to put my arms around her, because that is how I am used to hugging, but they took my hand and placed to the side of her. So, all of this pushing and pulling jolted me out of my crying mood. More than anything I was thinking -- I am I doing this right?

But then I was able to relax a little. Amma pulled my head up and gave me a Hershey's Kiss. Then she looked me in the eyes, smiled, gave me a kiss a the forehead, hugged me again, rubbed her hand up and down my spine and whispered something in my ear. At this point I thought, don't freak out about all the commotion around you, just be present -- be aware. I noticed her beautiful rose perfume and I could feel a lot of love coming from her. This brought some of those tears up. Walking away I felt very shaky and overwhelmed by the whole thing. I saw a friend who is very motherly and I thought, I need a hug (even though I had just gotten one!!) and so I sat next to her and put my head on her shoulder. I finished crying the tears I had and she cried a little too. Then we shared the Hershey's Kiss.

It is interesting to me that I wasn't thinking, "don't forget to ask about having a baby," I was thinking, "I hope I feel something that will help improve my faith." After my Darshan I sat awhile watching others get their Darshan. I noticed that I started to feel so light, carefree, and happy -- like you feel when you are a little kid and Mom has taken care of everything. I can't say for sure the reason for the tears and the feeling of peace, but I'd like to believe that it had something to do with Amma's love.

Of course there is a part of me that wants to be very cautious about my experience today and not make into something it wasn't. The other part of me wants to be swept away by the experience.

It was very encouraging that a lot of people commented on my Darshan. They said I was very lucky. I got a little bit of everything and she held me for a long time. It is hard to tell how much time is passing when you're the one being hugged, so I'll have to take their word for it.

There is one experience before the meditation started that I can't get out of my mind, but I'm afraid to even say it because it seems so out there and impossible. But before I go and freak everybody out, let me just say that once a Saint or Guru taps into that Divine Knowledge he or she can manipulate it anyway they like. They of course realize that it is not a toy to be played with and are expected to use this gift with discretion. That being said, this last week or so I've been trying to talk to Amma, they way you would with God, and ask her to please do something or make me feel something to let me know that she hears me. So today before meditation, I felt as though she look right at me and smiled, as if to say, "Hey, there you are! I was looking for you. Don't worry I got your message. Thanks for coming today."

Now I realize that this is probably all in my head. I couldn't make out her facial features well because the light (which was overcast) was behind her. She could have been looking at someone behind me for all I know. Still, there is that part of me that wants to believe.

I'm Home

2008-07-31T16:07:00.002-04:00

I made it home safe and sound last night around 9:00pm. Jesus' family was waiting for me here at the house. Lupe (Jesus' mom) had refried beans and homemade tortillas ready and waiting for me.

The basement Jesus has been working on all summer looks fantastic.

I'll post my last blog about the Ashram soon. It will tell about getting Darshan from Amma.

Love to all.

THANK YOU!!

2008-07-28T02:08:00.001-04:00

Thanks to everyone who has read my blog and responded with support. I feel so appreciative and grateful for all the love and support I have in my life. It is amazing how we can delude ourselves into thinking that no one cares about us when we are stressed and tired. If this trip has taught me anything, it is that I am loved completely and utterly, not just by my family and friends but by God.

What an amazing lesson. I know it will carry me through good times and bad.

THANK YOU!!

Post 21

2008-07-28T01:59:00.001-04:00

July 26 --

Today was relatively uneventful. I did take a bus ride to Karunagapally to look for a bigger bag in which to carry all the stuff I bought. I found a duffle bag the same size as the one I bought in Kochi, but it has zippers which allow it to expand in depth to twice it's size! It was less than $10!

I have determined that a bus is not the way to travel in India if you want to enjoy anything. I sat in the back of the bus because it had the most room (now I know why). Very soon after we were on our way we hit a pothole and I went flying straight up. This happened a few more times and I couldn't stop giggling. I wanted to stay just for the fun of it, but I could feel it doing a number on my back. So I moved up to the front of the bus. I had a splitting headache for the rest of the day!

I'm reading Autobiography of a Yogi by Yogananda (the guy I told you about who wrote those books on Chrstianity). I am enjoying it. I'm amazed at how quickly I went from skeptic to believer. I'm reading things in his book that I would have said, "Yeah right! What were you smoking?" to two months ago. Now I'm thinking, "Wow. God is amazing. I wonder if anything like that will ever happen to me?"

Old Doubtful Gloria comes around a few times a day to pick on Amma (because Old Doubtful Gloria is stubborn and really wants keep me from looking like an idiot if Amma is somehow proven to be a fake). O.D.G. especially likes to pick on the inconsistencies that she sees in things around the ashram and in the chanting that is done during Archana. But, I kindly remind her that even she has faith in the Vedas and she sees how being so doubtful before kept us from realizing this faith sooner.

"Do you want to be responsible for keeping us away from another truth?" I ask her. Then she is quiet for a while.

I've been feeling really creative lately. Those who know me, know that I'm not a creative person -- so this is a strange feeling. I keep thinking about two things in particular that I'd like to do.

#1 -- Figure out what I'm doing wrong with my sewing machine so I can use it. Then start making my own clothes. I love the Indian style of dress -- the designs are simple and the fabrics so colorful. I figure I won't find anything like that in the U.S. for a decent price, so I might as well make it myself!

#2 -- Last year I took an old cheap frame that I got from the dollar store, took out the glass and backing, wrapped some window screening around it and nailed it down. I use this as a place to hang all my earrings. I've wanted to improve on the design and make more. I just feel the need to create something and then give it away as a gift. So at night, when I'm having trouble falling asleep, I run through all the different kinds of designs I'd like to make and different ways to decorate them.

Then I think about school starting, my masters starting, and trying to find time to continue taking care of my physical, mental, and spiritual self and I think -- When will I find the time to do it all??

Only three days until I'm home!!!! :)

July 27 --

Amma arrived today. I missed her arrival, so I won't see her until tomorrow. I won't get Darshan until Tuesday morning. Tuesday evening I leave for HOME!!

:-)

I was going to say:

I've decided that I don't want to be a teacher anymore. Of course I will teach this year, but that will be all. I have no idea what I'll do instead, but I can now say that I have complete faith that God will provide something suitable for me. There is a little guilt, knowing that the purpose of this grant was to rejuvenate my energy so I could be that much more effective in the classroom. Instead, this trip has revealed to me that I am not well suited to teaching -- at least not Elementary. This last year I started to find my way of teaching and actually started enjoying it. The problem is that I started pulling farther and farther away from the curriculum and therefore my students' test scores were not improving as they are expected to do. I wanted to focus more on social skills and emotions and less on commas and multiplication.

Also, by making the decision to no longer teach, it follows that I do not need a masters in education, which means I do not have to start classes this fall and I can spend more time on my spirituality.

But then I started thinking:

Couldn't I find a way to teach the necessary material while focusing on social skills and emotions? Couldn't I teach with an open heart in such a way that I am able to put my newly found spirituality to the test? What better way to test yourself than to teach? If I remind myself that by serving these children well, I serve God well, do I really need to set aside a big chunk of time for spirituality? Wouldn't an hour of meditation and an hour of yoga everyday be enough? If I cut out t.v. I could easily fit that into my busy schedule.

Other thoughts I had were:

If it is God's plan that I not have a baby, then I will use that energy instead on my spirituality. I think I can honestly say, for the first time, that I am and will be fine if I can never give birth. :)

I can see why so many Christians have felt the need to share their excitement over finding Jesus with me in hopes of helping me "see the light". It is probably similar to the way I feel about finding my faith. However, I am going to try to remember how much I dislike people preaching to me so that I don't do the same to others. No matter how excited I may feel!

I'm constantly amazed at myself. I really never thought I had the capacity for faith in anything. And now look at me.

Faith is just the beginning though. I have so far to go. I doubt I will get as far on my spiritual journey as I'd like to in this lifetime, but at least I can set up a good foundation for the next.

Post 20

2008-07-26T01:29:00.000-04:00

July 24--

I figured out how to keep myself from spending too much. I just have to stay on a boat all day long where there are no shops! Today was the backwater boat trip. It was gorgeous and so relaxing. The pictures do all the talking, so I'll let them and post some as soon as possible. (I probably won't post any though until I get home. I'm getting really tired of Indian Internet. It is not very reliable and it takes forever to upload stuff.) The food was very tasty too. I made two friends. Melitta is from Slyvania and Raj is from Hyderbad, India. Melitta is my age and Raj is double that.

It seemed like everyone else on the trip was from France and I have decided that the stereotypes about the French being rude was proved correct today. There was one lady that I really wanted to tell off, but I eventually had to just ignore her and not let her bother me anymore. My friend Raj is a VERY talkative man and this bothered little miss Frenchie. She would give him dirty looks at first and then she finally said, "Could you please be quiet." I was soooo pissed off. My mind ran through a few things I wanted to say to her, "You are in HIS country. If anyone is going to tell anyone how to behave in Indian culture than it would be him telling you to cover up your boobs and shoulders. According to them, you look like a whore! If you don't like to listen to Indians talk -- GET OUT OF INDIA BITCH!"

Wow, okay, I thought I had gotten over it, but I guess I'm still really upset over her behavior. I just don't understand how you can go to someone else's country and expect them to change their behavior for your comfort!?!?!?

I tried REALLY hard to take Amma's advice and see God's light in everyone, but I just didn't see it in her today. I obviously have a long way to go yet.

I was able to see God in the hungry homeless man outside the food court across from my hotel. I decided after I got back from the boat ride and took a shower that I'd go walking around and see what I could find to snack on and do some last minute shopping. (What can I say -- I was no longer trapped on a boat!) I tasted a little bit of this and little bit of that. If I couldn't finish something then I offered it to the homeless guy. At first I thought he might be offended because I was giving him my leftovers, but then I thought, He's begging on the street -- I'm not giving him anything my mouth or fingers have touched -- if he's offended then he's not really hungry. When I gave him the food I bowed a little to let him know that I was giving him the food with respect not out of pity. He gladly accepted.

I think I'd rather spend a whole day with a stinky homeless Indian than a picky French woman.

Tomorrow I'll take the 9:30 am train to Kollam and then a rickshaw back to the ashram.

July 25 --

I have determined that train is the best way to travel in India if you want to really enjoy the culture. I met several helpful people from different parts of India who spoke up to 5 languages each. It was funny to meet Christian Indians. I met two on the train. One was a girl who only spoke Hindi and so I wasn't able to communicate with her -- but she showed me her bible. The other was a guy said he recently converted. He asked me why I wasn't a Christian. I explained about the whole Jesus or Hell thing and the fact that my family has tried so hard to "save" me that it has just made my dislike* for Christianity stronger. Then I explain why I like Hinduism.

(*Just to reiterate -- All religions are saying the same thing. I just don't like the pushy "Jesus-Or-Hell" attitude of the people who represent Christianity. I realize I have a bias towards it and I'm working on letting that go.)

I got to see some beautiful countryside and I was able to spread out and be comfortable. Not to mention is was MUCH cheaper than going the whole way by taxi.

On getting back I stopped at the Kumars for Chai right away. Sanal was finishing up his last exam so he wasn't there. It is difficult for me to communicate with the other family memebers, so I thought I'd share my stories with Sanal tomorrow. I brought Sanal the Kochi newpaper (that I got free every morning) because he seems to be very interested in worldly happenings. I thought he might enjoy seeing some of the things happening in the big city. I didn't end up bringing them a pizza from Pizza Hut as I had wanted because I left at 9:30 am and they wouldn't be open by that time in the morning. In fact, it seems most places open around that time or 10 am.

I went to the evening Archana, caught up with a few friends, attended the last 30 minutes of Bajhans, ate dinner and now I'm ready for bed!

I'm having an amazing time here in India and I'm trying to take every bit of culture back with me. I hate to see this wonderful time come to an end, but at the same time I can't wait to be home with my Bub. Last night I couldn't fall asleep and so I turned on the t.v. and I caught an episode of 30 Rock and it made me miss him so much. Not only is that our favorite sitcom, but I was laughing so hard it reminded me of how my Bub makes me laugh. I miss that. I miss my puppies and my bed. Also, I can't wait to see the basement that Jesus has worked so hard on!

Love you all. Goodnight.

Video

2008-07-23T12:36:00.003-04:00

Post 19

2008-07-23T12:05:00.002-04:00

July 23 -
Wow! Where do I begin? I had an amazing day! Last night I hired a taxi (for today) to take me around to the popular sight-seeing places in Fort Cochin. I got to see a Jewish Synagogue, a Portuguese Palace (called the Dutch Palace because they did some renovations), an old Dutch graveyard, and St. Francis Church. The coolest part was when the fishermen called me over and took video of me "helping" pull the chinese fishing nets up. I say "helping" with quotation marks because I had to use little to no effort. They did all the work in pulling.
And of course, I did a LOT of shopping! I blew through almost all the money I took out in no time flat! Not to mention, I've decided to stay an extra night here in Cochin because tomorrow I'm going on a backwater boat tour. I'm really excited about this. This is something Jesus and I saw on a travel video and we both thought it would be really cool to do. I thought I wouldn't get a chance because it is the rainy season. I had actually given up on the idea until the man who runs the travel desk downstairs mentioned it. So, I'll do the backwater tour tomorrow and then I'll take the early morning train back to Kollam on Friday. Just in time to see Amma.
After all the shopping, I took a rest in my room, and then I went to see a traditional religious type of dancing called Kathakali Dance. This particular family that puts on this show has been performing these dances for generations. It was very informative. It was also nice to hear the narrator explain at the beginning that Hindus also believe there is only one formless God, but since a formless God is difficult to conceive and hold in one's heart, the Hindus use their imagination and create characters like Vishnu, Ganesha, etc. It was nice to know that I had understood it correctly. He says God gave an imagination, we need to use it. The crappy part is that my battery went out right when the dancing started! I checked the batter before I left because I wanted to make sure that didn't happen. It showed only one third was used, so I thought, that should be more than enough. Except the last two thirds go faster than the first third. Which doesn't make any sense to me, but I've learned my lesson. I was able to get a few crappy pics with the cell phone. :( Oh well, I'm sure I can find some YouTube video of the dancing to share with my class.
I walked there and back by myself (only like a 2 minute walk). I made sure with the travel agent that it would be safe for me to walk back in the dark by myself. He assured me it was. And it was, but there was a guy waiting outside the gates who started walking with me and talking to me right away. He tried asking me out for a drink. I, of course, said no. It was just weird. I made sure to mention MY HUSBAND as soon as possible so this guy would maybe give up and go away. But I think that here in India it is normal to ask someone out like that as a friend. Also, I think they REALLY like to talk to westerners and find out about their lives. Still, there was no way I was going to go. I didn't feel unsafe or get a bad vibe off the guy, but common sense is common sense!
Ummm, did I mention I did a lot of shopping? The rickshaw drivers here will get a free liter of gas if they bring westerners to certain fancy upscale shops to look around. My taxi driver did this, but I spent very little time there. Then later a rickshaw driver asked me to do him the favor and take a look at another. I thought, I have the time, and I don't have to buy anything -- plus this guy will get some free gas. It was my good deed for the day. Let's just put it this way, last year for our anniversary Jesus bought me a ring I really wanted at an art gallery in Traverse, Michigan. This year Jesus bought me a ring I really wanted in Kochi, India!! ; ) He just doesn't know about it yet. It is a black stone called the "Star of India" because when light shines it reflects back like a star. The setting is raised and has marking on it. I asked what the markings were and he said they were the same markings on the Taj Mahal.
It helped that they treated me like royalty when I was there. It is common to get served tea while they lay out all their merchandise in front of you. Service is something Indians excel at. Today, in efforts to get me to buy things, the following things have been said to me "your highness", "the jewelry here isn't as beautiful as you are", "I've been waiting patiently for two hours for you to come back this way, please don't break my heart and not stop and look in my shop", "Please just come into my shop to give me good luck". I actually never stopped at the shops where they owners were telling me these things. Although, I won't deny that it is flattering to hear so many nice things -- even if it is only because they want your money!
I was very proud of myself. I did a lot of bargaining today. I got almost everyone to come down in price. For example, this guy wanted to sell me a cheap little necklace that matched the shirt I was wearing today. I asked how much, he said 100 rps. When I declined, he asked me how much I would pay. I said I'd pay only 10 rps. He reluctantly agreed. Another guy wanted me to buy some paintings each for 200 rps. I said I'd buy two for 200 rps. After he saw that I really didn't care if I got them or not, he finally came down to 200 rps. Also the ring that Jesus bought for me ; ) was orginally about 1600 rps and I got it for 1400.
There was a fancy bar I came across that sold Indian wine. Jesus and I enjoy trying different types of wines. So, I went in to see about trying a glass, but they only sell the bottles. I didn't want to buy a whole bottle before trying it. Plus there is that stupid 3 fluid oz. rule for airlines now and there is now way I'd trust the bottle to last if it was in my checked luggage.
Okay, that's all for now. I need to get some rest for my big day tomorrow. It will be from 8:30 am to 5:30 pm. They provide pick-up, drop-off, and lunch all for about $14. Can you believe it?

Post 18

2008-07-22T10:26:00.001-04:00

July 20 (Continued)--
Am I that transparent? Ganesh, the Spanish guy (that reminds me of Waldo) was listening in as I was talking about what it is like to teach in the inner city school. I felt myself getting a little emotional, as I relived all those stressful moments with difficult children, but I didn’t know that anyone would be able to pick up on the cause of it -- especially when I didn’t even know the cause myself. He heard me talking about how I used dog training techniques to deal with difficult behaviors. Ignore the bad and encourage the good - basic behaviorist thinking. At this he got very upset and tried to steer me away from that line of talking. Now he is a quiet guy -- he is very good at listening, so for him to interrupt and say stop... this is big!
Being the stubborn person I am, I continued. After I finished that line of discussion, I asked him if he thought I was awful for comparing children to dogs. Very seriously, he said “No, no. I just think you were heading the wrong way.” (Or something to that effect). When I asked for some explanation he said, “It isn’t about the kids, it is about your fear. There is fear behind your words.” Instantly, I felt that feeling in the pit of my stomach that I get when I think someone has discovered an ugly truth about me.
One of the first things Jesus noticed about my inner thinking was how fearful I am of things. So, even though what he said made no sense to me, I knew he was on to something. I asked him to elaborate. He said, “Maybe you had a really mean teacher growing up or your dad used to beat you and you are bringing this fear to your classroom.” It still made no sense how he was making any connection from the dogs to my dad. At least not to me. Again, in an instant I knew he was on to something because I was on the verge of tears. What in the world is going on here? I thought. How did we get to this topic and why after all these years does the mention of my dad and my childhood abuse* bring me to tears?
(*A side note about abuse: Legally speaking my father did nothing wrong, in fact most people probably wouldn’t even call it abuse, but for a sensitive child, what he did was severe enough to leave a deep scar in my mind and on my heart.)
I told him, “You’ve hit on something. My dad never beat us, but he was sometimes a little overly enthusiastic with the belt.” To this he winced.
[I didn’t tell him this, but my father was also very critical. It seemed to me that nothing we did was ever good enough. He came home angry most of the time and took it out on us. He was never affectionate or had any words of praise or encouragement. The only thing my father did encourage was our fear of worldly dangers and of him as a means of controlling us.]
I asked Ganesh, “What do I do with this?” He just shrugged and said, “I don’t know.”
That was it. That is all it took to get the tears rolling. And again now, as I type these words. I think I was getting hopeful that maybe if this guy can see so clearly into my emotions then maybe he has an answer for how to deal with them also. Because even after years of therapy I’m obviously not over it. As far as I know, my father’s actions haven’t left much of a trace on my other siblings, but they have left such a scar on me that you don’t have to know me long before you know about my dad.
So, needless to say, I came to my room to cry. But here I am, a 30 year old woman, still crying over things that I thought I had dealt with. For example, I have forgiven my father. I know that he was probably depressed for most of my childhood and was doing the best he could at the time. All in all, I had a relatively safe place to come home to with many comforts and a loving Mom. I know that my father loved and still loves me. My father has even apologized for not being a better dad. He even expressed some pride at the fact that I traveled halfway around the world by myself (which is what I wanted most as a little girl -- for my dad to express his pride in me). So why, after all these years, am I still drawn to tears over my childhood? I know I was brought up on fear, but how do I learn to get over it now?
July 21 --
Well, I've spoken with a few people, about yesterday's incident and they all have the same explanation for me -- each using their own analogies. I'll use one of my own.
Basically my childhood was the foundation of the house of my life. There was no foundation laid in the center of that house, but the house was still built up around that hole. From the outside, the house looks perfectly normal and for the most part, the house is functional. The kitchen, bathroom, bedroom, garage, they all work fine and are laid on a solid foundation. But anytime I have to walk through the living room I either carefully avoid the hole or fall in. After the house was already built and I realized that no one else was going to fill the hole for me, I started trying to to fill it myself. And that hole is no longer as deep as it used to be, but anyone who has been invited into my house can clearly see that something is wrong with the living room floor. My father, by apologizing, has helped to try to make the floor more functional, but this area will always be a little less sturdy than the rest of the house.
In other words, I'll never be completely over it, but at least I am healing.
Today was the day I was originally supposed to leave for home. And although I really want to be back in my Bub's arms I am so glad I decided to extend my trip. Today was the day I felt like I made the biggest "leap of faith". Last night I started reading a book called On the Road to Freedom written by a monk here that spent many years in India with different saints (Amma being the last and final saint). He is a westerner (grew up in Chicago) and so he explains things in a way that westerners can understand them.
Remember how I asked, why should one person bow to another, don't we all have God in us? He answers that very question and so now that I understand, I don't mind bowing to Amma (or her picture). So today I bowed to her three different times. Here is what convinced me:
"In India, one bows down to elders and holy men as a mark of respect and humility when meeting, as well as when leaving them. This is not done to flatter them. The ancients learned that every position or posture of the body affects the nervous system, which in turn affects the mind or mental attitudes. Pointing one's index finger at someone while talking for example, subtly increases one's feelings of self-importance, arrogance and perhaps anger as well. Likewise, bowing down to another person puts the mind in a receptive mood to receive advice from those who may be wiser than ourselves."
After reading this, I thought, okay I am going to bow down to Amma. Which then made me wonder, "Well why are you just going to take these ancients' word for it?" And then it dawned on me that I found faith in something. I haven't even read the ancient Indian scriptures (known as the Vedas) but I already have faith in them. Why? (This is where faith comes in.) I'm not 100% sure why, but I know part of it has to do with what I have learned about Ayur-Veda which comes from the Vedas. Both sets of knowledge/science were acquired the same way -- through years of meditation and then experimentation. These ancients would meditate -- have a vision or idea -- then check it out to see if it actually worked. They say that these things do work -- that (to who ever the anonymous person was who quoted some scripture) there is only one way to God. And I believe them.
They say this because they have tried it for thousands of years and found that only those who have followed this path have become enlightened. This is where Christianity and all the other religions get this idea of their way being the only way. It is actually not "their" way -- it is THE way interpreted differently at different times by different prophets. All true enlightened people will tell you to try an experiment -- "Follow what I say and see what happens. If you don't get the predicted outcome, by all means don't follow me anymore.
So this is how, on the day I was supposed to leave, I found my faith.
It is also the day they moved me from my comfortable and quiet room to another room down the hall that already had an occupant. It's not that bad -- sharing a room. I'm being really flexible and she seems to be very easy going (another French woman). It just isn't the same as being alone. Oh well. I think I'll leave tomorrow for Kochi (Cochin) anyway and stay there for one or two nights. Then I'll only have about a week left. Besides it was good for me to have to gather all my things and move them. It made me think about how much stuff I need to take back and how I'm going to do that.
July 22 --
Happy Birthday Estevan! Sorry I can't be there for your 16th birthday. Wait, did I just say 16? Damn -- if you're that old, that means I'm REALLY old!!! Anyway, Feliz Cumpleanos... y muchos mas! Wish I could be there to celebrate with you. Since I'm missing a pretty important birthday I'll try hard to find you a monkey. :)
This morning I woke up in a very good mood. I'm in Kochi. I arrived this afternoon around 3:00. I took an ashram taxi, but I think on my way back I'll either take a boat down the backwaters or a train just to have a different experience.
Almost as soon as I started off in the taxi, I realized that I had forgotten my wrist bands that Charmi gave me for motion sickness. Optimistically, I thought, maybe I won't need them. I of course needed them desperately. The roads were so bad and bumby and I was in the back of the suv. When I first came to the Ashram I had the wrist bands and I didn't feel a thing. So at first I tried to press on those pressure points with my thumbs, but you can't do them both at the same time. I finally gave up and I was very nauseous. I remembered reading in that book about how many of the great spiritual people suffer terribly from physical ailments and it is a way of #1 -- paying for past karma, and #2 -- teaching them to detach from the body. The swami who writes the book talks about his pain and how at times during his meditation or when being near Amma he is able to detach from the severe pain in his back and be at peace. I thought, maybe I can try that. I had about one second where I accomplished that and then it was gone. Still, it gave me hope.
My friend Bob told me about this place I'm staying at in Kochi called the Durbar Residency and I'm so glad he did. I would never have found this place otherwise. It wasn't listed in any travel I guide I looked in and it is off the main road. It is very quiet, clean, and inexpensive. I'm only paying 350 rps a night. He quoted me 550. I think the difference is I didn't get an A/C room. I'm so used to this heat, all I really need is a window and a fan. I have both.
After I got something to eat (at the Grand Hotel -- very expensive 213 rps for one meal) I walked around a little. I checked out all the shops that had clothing and fabrics, comparing prices. Most of them charge about the same. I prefer to buy just a punjabi top and most of the places are charging anywhere from 100 - 250 rps per shirt. Not bad -- just about or under $5. I bought a few things today. I got so many stares with my bald head. I'm not covering my head anymore and so I get some strange looks (and giggles).
Speaking of walking around with out my head covered -- people who came to the Ashram after I had shaved my head couldn't believe how dark my hair is. One girl even thought I was a blonde! HA!! I also had someone mention today how much weight I've lost. I didn't know it was that noticeable, especially with the big clothes that we wear. It is true though. Besides my clothes fitting differently, I can tell I lost a lot of weight because after a while of leaning back against the wall to type or read in my room my tailbone hurts so bad. I don't have all the padding I used to back there so there isn't much to cushion the tailbone. It's times like those that make me want to gain the weight back.
On my way back to the hotel, I saw a little Hindu shop, so I stopped in. I wanted to get some statues of Ganesha (the Hindu God that looks like an elephant -- he destroys obstacles). The man in there had very good English and was able to tell me a lot about the different statues and meanings behind them. I told him that I was looking specifically for a Ganesha statue (which he had a lot of). He said that this is the first God that is saluted at the beginning of any ceremony and he was very good to have in the house. Now I know you all are probably think -- if there is only one God, then why do Hindus have so many that they worship? Again -- they seem to be different Gods but actually they are all a different aspect of The One Supreme Being. They simply represent all of God's many powers. I was in there for a while.
Now I'm in my room just chillaxing. I flipped through the channels a little and found the Simpsons on! Can you believe it? Also, listening to the music on the commercials, you can tell how much rap and hip-hop have influenced the young culture here. It is really strange.
Tomorrow I will go pay my fee and then do some sight-seeing. I'd like to go to the islands. Kochi is a collection of small islands and a small section of mainland. I don't think there is much swimming that goes on in this area though. I think it is more of a port. Which is fine. I don't think I'd feel comfortable swimming by myself in the ocean anyway.
That's all for now. Love you all. Can't wait to be home.

Post 17

2008-07-20T06:20:00.001-04:00

July 20--

I've been working on my Power Point Presentation for my grant. I have to present and turn in something summing up my trip in Sept. But, I start back to work almost immediately (as team leader this time) and start my masters soon after that, so I know that I won't have a lot time to play around with it. I'm having a lot fun with it. It is amazing all the things you can do with it. I've never really used Power Point before. The program I'm using is actually called Keynotes (it is Mac software) but it is pretty much the same thing as PP.

Prasana took me into town to help me buy a sari yesterday. I should say I followed her into town. She was afraid that the ashram people would see that she was taking me into town to buy something and they might not like that she was taking business away from the ashram. Anyway, once I have the top made she is going to show me how to put the whole thing on. It looks like a very complicated process. Despite that, the way they wear them here, makes it look very comfortable. I bought some silk fabrics earlier (when I went crazy at the one shop in Kollam) but I didn't really buy them for me. Besides, if I'm actually going to wear something I don't want it to be too nice because I get things dirty so fast! I would beat myself up if I got a brand new silk sari stained or dirty. So this sari is a cotton blend. It is a light purple with a golden border. Very simple, but very pretty. I figure I'll wear it when I'm giving my presentation for the grant, for sure. But I'll probably wear it to work sometimes just for fun!

Well, someone took the dogs away. (At least, someone took the dogs they didn't LIKE away.) I feel better that at least I was able to give the dog some medicine. Who knows what they did with them. Even if they kill them, at least I made his last few weeks more comfortable. I realize that I can't control what others do. I can only be concerned with my own actions. So, I don't feel like any of my efforts were in vain. What pisses me off though is that I found out yesterday that the Indian kitchen people keep a dog here! According to the "dog couple" (as I have come to call them) this dog that they keep is supposed to be like a watch dog, but it is too dumb to do a good job. I guess my problem with the whole thing is the double standard. Not to mention that the Ella-like-dog is still here. She will sleep on the temple steps and no one bothers her. In fact, some of the Indian people will actually feed her and pet her. Which is great for this dog. But, it just makes all the "reasons" that swami guy gave me a bunch of bullshit! It was easier to swallow when I thought that HE at least believed what he was saying. I guess it all just goes to show that it doesn't matter where you go or how "holy" someone tries to be -- we're all out for our own interests. I'm including myself in that statement -- but at least I don't go around in orange robes pretending to be this saintly person. He alluded to the fact that humans were worth more effort/money/time because they had the potential to become God-realized. But at least dogs don't lie! I don't know -- the more I think about it, animals are more God-realized than humans. Ugh! I just really hate being lied to. Why can't people just be up front and honest? "I don't like this dog because it is mangy and stinky and has diseases and I'm going to do whatever I can to get rid of it," would have been a much more accurate response to my questions.

"Why can't people just be up front and honest?" Hmmmm, good question. Like why can't I tell that kitchen lady, "I don't want to work with a bunch of over-emotional women and get all caught up in their drama. This trip is about taking care of me and working this job would hamper that goal"? I told her that I wasn't ready to do seva -- which was a lie. Actually I don't mind helping out at jobs that are flexible. For example, sweeping (which I'll be doing today at 4pm). If I start feeling poorly, I can just stop. But if there is a long of line of hungry customers waiting to have their orders taken, it's not so easy. So, why didn't I just tell her the truth? Actually I would totally prefer to tell her the truth. She'd leave me alone for good. But I've learned that people like to be lied to.

“Moreover, what we do every day is our real religion, for it shows what we truly value in life.”

~Dr. David Frawley

Author of Ayurvedic Healing

Post 16

2008-07-18T03:45:00.000-04:00

July 16--

I feel like I deserve a diploma or certificate....

The Ayurveda Clinic of Amritapuri presents

Gloria Moya

with this certificate as proof that

she has successfully completed

4 weeks of Panchakarma treatment

On this 17th day of July, 2008

I am done! I'm feeling really good right now. I have to remember though to take it easy. My body is still recovering.

The kitchen lady is after me again. She wants me to work as cashier at the cafe. I wouldn't mind doing it all because I think they could use someone with some manners working the counter there. But... I'm not supposed to be doing seva AND they are always in bad moods there. I don't want to deal with all that emotion. I'm doing good enough dealing with my own! I think after being with Jesus all the time I prefer male energy to female energy. Females are so emotional (me included) that if you put too many together you have trouble... and that is what the situation is in the western cafe. So, here is another opportunity for me to practice saying no (even though I already said yes). When will I learn my lesson?

I have to pay the $125 fee for changing my flight at least 3 days prior to leaving. There are two nearby offices (meaning about 3 hours away) where I can do that (I don't think they take CC info over the phone here) one is in Trivandrum (where I will fly out of) and the other is Cochin (a.k.a. Kochi). It is a little further, but according to Bob, a much much better place to visit. So, I've decided that I'll go to Cochin to pay the fee and stay a night or two there to do some sight seeing. I asked Jane if she'd be willing to come with me so I don't go alone, but she has committed to some seva and she doesn't want to back out. Other than that, I don't know any other female close to my age (close meaning within 20 years) that might want to or be willing to go. There is a quiet woman here named Patricia -- I could ask her. Anyway, I think I might be going by myself. Which, is really okay with me. I'd prefer to be with a friend, not because I'm afraid so much, but because it is smart. From the women who have traveled by themselves all over India, they say that Kerala is one of the safest places in India. So, I don't think I need to worry -- just be smart and alert. Either way, I have to go pay this fee and I'm not going to pass up the chance to see more of the Indian culture.

Two brothers are staying across the hall from me and they like to cook. Twice I've weaseled my way into eating their dinner. Tonight it was a thick potato soup with grilled cheese and a cucumber and tomato salad. Yummmmmmy! Then tomorrow is the chicken dinner with the Kumars. Eating good food is the best part of being done with Panchakarma.

Well, I'll be home in two weeks! Can't wait to see everybody and kiss my Bub! I'm not looking forward to going almost straight back to work, but you gotta do whatcha gotta do!

July 17 --

I've got my ipod and laptop with me, so I get to listen to my music whenever. I've been lying in bed resting and listening to Corrine Bailey Rae. I like her more and more each time I listen to her sing. Her songs are beautiful and her voice is so sweet and gentle. If you haven't checked her music out, I highly recommend her. She reminds me of a funkier Norah Jones (without the piano), if that makes any sense.

I spoke to a guy named Adam today (from South Africa but lived 20 years in Germany) about his beliefs -- this is what I do, I go around talking to people about how they see things and I always learn something -- and he mentioned these books called The Yoga and Jesus (at least he thinks that is the title) and another one called The Second Coming of Christ. I think he said they were written by Yogananda (sp?) He says the second one is really thick (over 1,000 pages) but the first one is short and to the point. I'm excited to read it because he says that it shows how the ancient Indian texts and the Bible are talking about the same thing, just using different words to describe it. I told him, "That sounds like what I've been saying: That all there are many paths [religions] to God, you just have to chose which path you want to follow." He had a great response, which was, "Actually when you look at all those paths, they're really one and the same, they're just interpreted differently by each culture." I thought -- Yes! That makes more sense... and would explain why each of the religions claim that this is the only way to God!

He also had really good advice when I asked him what his experience with Amma was like. I ask everybody so I can get an idea of what to expect. He said, "I wouldn't ask anybody that and I wouldn't listen to what others have to say about their experience. If you do, you build up expectation and will inevitably be let down." I thought -- What good advice. I tend to build up expectations and then I am usually let down. I will try to let go of any expectations I've built up and just see what happens.

When I told him about Jesus and I wanting a baby, he mentioned that there is a mantra that you can chant for having a baby. When I asked him to tell me it he said, "I'm not going to say it!!" He said he'd look into it and give it to me if he could find it. :)

I've been practicing saying "No". Today I said no three times with absolutely no problem! I think I might actually be learning my lesson!! :) I still need to talk to the kitchen lady though.

MISSION ACCOMPLISHED:

The mangy dog has received his topical and oral medication. If he isn't improving in about a week Daya and I decided we'd get him some more medicine and try again. I imagine if there is still no improvement we'll have to call the vet back. The amazing part is that he sat so well during the entire process. First we had to rinse him with water and dry him off. Then we had to rub the ointment in. The whole time he sat, nervously, but he sat! It was a beautiful thing. It went off without a hitch. Ahhh, what a huge relief. I feel like a big weight has been lifted.

The funny part is when the Panchakarma doctor saw me in the store buying gloves. She said, "What are you doing????" She knew I was up to something! I said, "I don't want to tell you. You won't like it." But of course I told her about the dog. She, being an older Indian woman who has grown up in rural India, didn't approve. Not to mention, "Amma said not to pet the animals." To that, I said, "I'm not petting him. I'm healing him, like you heal people." She just shook her head and smiled.

I had a dinner and a movie tonight! Well, not really, but as close as I'm going to get in India. I had a delicious chicken dinner with the Kumar boys (the mom waited until we had our fill) and a few minutes of "American t.v." before the lights went out. Every night Sanal watches The World's Most Amazing Videos. He loves it when something comes on from the U.S. Today we saw a police chase that took place in Texas. He was very excited, since he knows that I grew up in Texas.

The lights go out a for at least 30 minutes each night. The ashram has a generator and so we aren't without power for more than a minute. The villagers on the other hand, just use flashlights. Anyway, the dinner was delicious! They sit on the floor to eat, so I did too. They laughed at me because I was using two hands to eat. They consider the left hand to be dirty (used to be used for wiping -- I don't think they do that anymore -- at least I hope not!)

Afterward, Shankar showed me how to wash up "Indian style" as he puts it. Basically they rinse their hands and forearms with water, then take a few mouthfuls of water, swish, and spit. They rub their teeth/gums with their finger in between the mouthfuls of water.

p.s. Thank you to everyone (Rosanna especially) for overlooking all my typos and misspellings. I haven't been very diligent in proofreading my posts and when I do occasionally look back over them I am shocked at all the mistakes.

July 18 --

I guess I am a little anxious to push the days along because I just realized that I was labeling my blogs a day in advance of the actual date. This is a difficult time for me because I am just waiting. I'm waiting for the rain to stop so I can travel to Cochin. I'm waiting for this guru celebration to finish so I can get some things I need taken care of done. I am waiting for Amma to come. I am waiting to go home and see my Bub (and Ella and Marley). I've never been good at waiting. Another lesson for me to learn.

So, yeah, I woke up to this day long celebration for Amma that I had no idea was coming. The western cafe isn't even open. Everything, I imagine, will be closed today because of this. I had a list of things I wanted to get done today, that I've been putting off for a while like picking up my laundry, that I can't do now.

I got tricked into going up to the altar and bowing in front of the Amma painting. There were two long lines on each side of the altar and food in front of it. Since there was no western cafe and I was hungry, I thought, I'll get in line for this food. The only trick is that everyone goes up to the alter first, bows at her "feet" and puts flowers on the altar. I didn't know this going into it, but there is a huge crowd and I didn't want everyone to see me "disgracing" Amma by taking her food and not bowing to her first. So, I got up there not knowing what I was supposed to do. I finally asked someone and they gave me flowers to put down. I felt like such a fake. I'd rather bow to a tornado than a picture of someone. Anyway, I got the food afterwards. You get a small scoop of rice pudding, a small scoop of sweet brown rice, a small scoop of sweet yellow rice, and a fried muffin looking thing. Believe it or not, it was too sweet for me.

Post 15

2008-07-16T06:21:00.000-04:00

July 16--

Well, I finally got my flight arrangements changed. I'll have the exact same schedule, I'll just leave 9 days later. So I'll arrive home the evening of the 30th. It is a little longer than I wanted to stay, but there weren't any flights available on the days I wanted, so...

I enjoy talking with Sanal, the older son of the Kumar family. Probably because communicating with him is so much easier than with any other Indian I know. He has had a great advantage over many others because he lives so close to the Ashram, he gets to talk to so many different people. English is the language that he has in common with all the people who come to the ashram. He has a great curiosity for cultures other than his own and I of course want to know about their culture. So, we spend a lot of time talking. He's been trying to explain cricket (sp?) to me, but I just don't get it. I've stopped a couple of times by the "field" where they play every night from 4:30-6:30 to watch, but it just makes me more confused. I say "field" because it is really just a section of the beach where there are no buildings. There are still coconut trees that get in the way, but it is as good as it gets around here.

Just as with Declan, he has heard me say so many great things about Jesus that he wants to meet him. He said several times tonight how much he'd like to meet my husband. He wants me to send a dvd video of our house/life so he can see the "real" American and not just the glimpses he gets from tv. He has a mac laptop that an ashram visitor gave to him, so he can watch the video on that. (These people have this strange effect on others that people will just give them stuff -- like $500 dollars for college!!)

I was telling him today about strawberries, blueberries, and pizza! (Can you tell I'm missing American foods?) He's never had any of them. But he's heard of pizza. He'd really like to come to the U.S. sometime, but he says it is VERY difficult to get a visa there. He keeps asking me if there are Electricians in the U.S. and jokingly says, "Maybe I'll work as an Electrician in the U.S. someday."

Shankar is going in a few days to register for his classes. And Sanal told me that he found out he'll be going to a nearby state to do his internship. I told Sanal that his mom will be so happy when they are both gone so she can rest! I then asked him to translate and tell his mom what I said. She smiled/laughed and gave me a thumbs up! They are typical Indian boys in the fact that they will sit down and ask their busy mother to stop what she is doing and make them some chai or coffee! Their excuse is that she makes it better than they do (which is true -- because I've had chai made by all three) but I told them that when they are away from home who will make it then? It would be wise to learn from her how she makes it, so they can have good coffee/chai when they aren't home. I don't think I convinced them. Those arguments never convinced me when I was that age either!

Post 14

2008-07-15T06:07:00.000-04:00

July 15--

The first attempt at silence lasted less than 24 hours. The second attempt at silence lasted slightly longer than 24 hours. I say attempt because I wasn't able to keep completely silent during my "silence". For example, I wanted to buy eggs to feed to the sick dog and I didn't have any paper to write on, so I had to speak up - otherwise the dog would have gone hungry. The next day I went to the library and it was a knew girl working there so I had to speak up and tell her my name. There is a little sign I wear that notifies everyone that I'm "in silence". Yesterday I finally added to the top of it "Gloria is trying to be...". I think if you're REALLY going to do silence you have to stop most of your activity and that is the most difficult thing for me. I can keep my mouth still (believe it or not) fairly easily, it is keeping my mind and body still that is most difficult. I mean, can you imagine, no writing, no reading, no watching t.v., no SLEEPING!! Ugh! I will still keep trying for this before I leave here. I figure even it is for 10 hours it is something!

Ants are some pretty amazing creatures! Don't laugh -- like I said, I have no t.v. Instead I have my own national geographic program playing all around me all the time. The other day I learned about the courtship of stray dogs in India and now I'm learning about ants!! They are sooo strong! For example, right now there is an ant that is climbing up the door frame carrying a load as big (if not bigger) than it. Not only is it carrying this upward against gravity, there is also a very strong breeze coming through my room right now that is has to struggle against. They are persistent little buggers. I didn't want it crawling toward me, so I blew on it and it simply crawled downward for a little bit and then turned and headed back up.

I only have like one more day of Panchakarma and then I'm finished!!!!!!! I can't wait to be done. I already have my chicken dinner planned for Thursday night! The boys keep asking me if I like the chicken fried. I think they like it fried, but they will only get it that way if I ask for it. At this point I couldn't care less how it is cooked, so long as it is cooked and I get to eat it. I think I remember Jesus telling me about this family that ate a very India type of diet in the U.S. but their health declined rapidly. They found it to be a lack of protein. But they were eating the same things in India and had no problems. Turns out they were eating a lot more bugs (a.k.a. protein) in India that happened into their food/drinks. When I first heard this story, I thought - Ugh! That is so gross! Now, I really don't care. Can you believe I said that? It is true though. Sometimes I'm pretty sure there are little bugs in my rice or chai, but I eat them anyway. Today I found a tiny little ant in my cookie or "biscuit" as they call them. I wouldn't have noticed it (and probably would have eaten it) if it hadn't still been alive and moved. I let it go, I'm not that cruel.

Speaking of cruelty to animals. This morning Shankar was sitting with me as I had my morning Chai. I noticed a big black ant on his toe and told him to watch out. He shook his foot, which caused the ant to land on top of his foot. It then bit him. They are pretty painful bites I understand (luckily I don't know from firsthand experience) and so he flicked it hard with his finger. The poor thing could barely walk and it looked like it's abdomen was falling off. I felt really sad for the thing. You know I'm overly sensitive when I start feeling sad for an ant!

Oh, and don't worry about the cookie I ate. They told me this week when having the enemas that it would be good to have a few biscuits in the morning with my tea so that I have something in my stomach before the procedure. At one point I was eating non-sweet biscuits (a.k.a. crackers) but I figured a little sugar would be okay! :) They didn't specify whether it should be sweet or non-sweet.

So, I checked my e-mail yesterday and still no response to my question about rearranging my flight schedule. So, now that I have my flight info, I'll call her today. It is so difficult communicating over the phone though because their accents are so thick. But, I guess for now, I'll give it a try.

Post 13

2008-07-14T06:11:00.000-04:00

July 9 --

Super good news!!! Jesus says we already made the $500 for Shankar’s education. Plus... he says money may still be coming in and so the extra money will just be a bonus for them!! I couldn’t wait though -- as soon as he told me that we had enough I took it out and gave it to them. When he tells me how much extra was donated, I’ll take that out and give them a special surprise!!! They totally won’t be expecting that. :)

So, they aren’t a very outwardly expressive culture. They didn’t jump up and down or even given me a hug... but the smiles on their faces and the relief I saw in the mother’s eyes as she kissed the money and touched it to her head and chest was enough. They are also going to cook me a chicken dinner tomorrow -- this is their way of saying thank you. I will gladly accept this gift on behalf of all of you. :)

Again -- Thank You to each of you who sent money. Every little bit has made a difference in this young man's life. Since they can't say it for themselves, I'll say it for them -- THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!! You are all amazingly generous people.

I started the Basti treatment today (better known as enemas). :P No fun!!! I have two small oil enemas (today and tomorrow) and then a big water/herb enema. Then I alternate oil/water for 5 days or so. This is sooooo NOT fun. But, I went to see the other Ayurvedic doctor at the college the other day to find out my dosha (body type) and find out what was out of balance. She says I am a Pitta by nature, but when she read my pulse she found Vata to be more predominant. She then said, enemas will be the best treatment to balance this out.

Of course the night before I start this lovely treatment, I got a roommate! She is a French woman, probably middle-aged. She just happened to walk into the room (needing to use the toilet) after I had just, you know... finished my basti. Good news is that she leaves tomorrow. I’m not sure why they moved her into my room for just two nights (because I know she has been here for at least one week already), but I’m grateful it is such a short stay. I would hate for her to suffer through this next week with me.

So, I called the vet to come out and give the mangy dog some meds, but he had an emergency come up this morning so he’ll try again tomorrow. Good news is that I’ve met a woman named Daya (sp?) from California who is also a sucker for suffering animals. She had already offered to help with the cost, but she also wants to be there with me when the vet comes and ask questions about what we can do to help this on-going problem. She will be here for 6 months. She is teaching English at Amma’s school. She told me about how they need more teachers (did I tell this story already??) and so I gave her my info. Maybe, Jesus and I will come back someday to teach English here.

Still miss you all. Love you!

July 10 --

I have a wonderful friend here named Jane. She is so motherly it is funny because she doesn't have any kids. She is (as nicely and non-pushy as possible) encouraging me to stay put and REALLY take care of myself this week because she has done the bastis and she knows how much it takes out of you (no pun intended). So, like a big girl, I went to Prasana and told her that I'd have to post-pone the Chicken dinner until next week because I am supposed to eat VERY lightly this week. And, probably because Jane is tip-toeing so well around my If-You-Tell-Me-What-To-Do-I'll-Do-The-Opposite attitude (and yes Mom, I see the double-standard here), I am going to take her recommendation and try to stay out of the internet cafe. I will still type up blogs here, but I'll wait until next week to post them. This will not be easy, because I feel well enough to go to the internet cafe. But, I know that the whole idea is for me to stay still and not run around with my made-up errands. It is amazing how busy I can keep myself if I really want to.

I'm not even going to go into town to get the meds that the vet prescribed for the mangy dog. I'll see if Daya will be willing to go. If not, then the dog will have to wait. Good news is that Jane says she saw him this morning trying to get it on with the white and brown (Ella-like) dog. (I guess all those chicken bones I've been "accidentally" dropping and he has been "accidentally" eating is giving him some of his strength back.) So this Ella-dog has been in heat and attracting all kinds of male dogs. It is funny because there is this one large brown dog, very strong and tough looking, who has been trying to get in her pants ALL WEEK. The other day I was waiting to meet Jane in front of the temple and I was watching this all play out in front of me. I couldn't help but apply my own dialouge to their courtship. It went something like this:

"Oh come baby, you know you want it." (as he tries to mount her)

"I'm not that kind of girl! If that is all you want, get out of here." (as she chases him out of the ashram)

"I'm sorry baby, you know I love you. What do you want me to do?" (as he comes back and starts licking her face)

"He-he-he, that tickles! Stop it! Ok, ok! You can stay, but don't think you're getting any!" (as she rolls over on her back and lets him lick her ALL over)

I didn't see the conclusion to this story, but something tells me there will be little puppies running around here in a few months. And don't judge -- I don't have t.v. here -- I have to find my entertainment where I can get it. I just didn't know that you could get R rated entertainment here at the ashram! :)

July 11-

Today was the big basti. Believe it or not, it wasn't as bad as I imagined it would be. Though it was still very painful. I'm sitting there, naked on the toilet, pooping out all this gunk, and these pretty little "nuns" are poking their heads in occasionally asking me, "Pain? Pain?" The funny part is that I wasn't all that embarrassed. They have this way of making this ridiculous position I'm in seem totally natural and normal. And even though nothing was quite as bad as I had imagined, I was still on the verge of tears the whole time.

Today during the evening Archana I saw this woman rubbing her neck incessantly. I have noticed her before and she is always rubbing her neck. It has really bothered me in the past and I would think -- stay still would you! But today, I felt this immense compassion for her and the discomfort she must be in. I tried ignoring her for a while, but I couldn't stand it. I finally stood up and walked over and asked if I could massage her neck for her. I had to do something to ease this woman's discomfort. She was sooooooooooooooooooo grateful. I massaged her neck/head for about 45 min. straight. She kissed my hand afterward. As if she were my grandmother, I kissed her back. I really just wanted her to be comfortable for a few minutes. Normally, I would be so afraid of disturbing others, or upsetting her by assuming that she needed help, that I would not have even asked if I could help. But something told me she was desperate for some relief. So, I put my fears aside and by doing so I was able to help someone who really needed it. If my assumptions are correct, this is the woman that a man was telling me about who has cancer. It felt really good to do something for someone else like that. I think after having these Bramacharinis taking such good care of me for so many weeks now, I want to return the favor somehow. I want to take care of someone else.

So, part of my reason for being here is to start and maintain a meditation and yoga routine for myself; something that I will follow through with back home.

I have written down the routine that I am attempting and will continue to attempt to keep when I get home. It hasn't been easy while doing Panchkarma to keep as strictly to the routine as I'd like, but I do what I can, while also trying to listen to my body and resting when I need to. Meditation hasn't been a problem. The yoga is something else though. I feel so weak sometimes, especially this week, that I just have to rest.

July 13--

I STINK! In addition to the spicy food and sweat, while you are doing Panchakarma they put these spices and oils on the top of your head and you have to keep it covered with cotton (hence all the photos with my head covered). The dogs aren't going to recognize me because I will smell totally different than anything they have ever smelled before! I was going to apologize to Jesus for smelling like a bunch of spices, but then I thought, knowing how much he enjoys food, he might actually like it! :)

I'm feeling very restless. Yesterday is when I noticed it. The digestive process is divided into three parts (according to Ayurveda) -- Kapha (water) controls the digestion of sugars in the mouth, Pitta (fire) controls the digestion in the stomach through acids/bile, and Vata (air) controls the intestines. Vata is associated with being flighty, nervous, etc. So, my guess is that these enemas are stirring up all this restless energy.

I've been reading The Buddha Gospels which was probably a mistake. I really like the Four Noble Truths, which is the basis of Buddhism. And, I really like what I've learned about Amma and what she does. For that matter -- I like the basic teachings of all major religions -- they all have the same teaching... they all make sense to me. BUT, as soon as I read the "history" or "gospel" or "whatever" it ruins it for me. I'm not sure what it is, but I think it has to do with the overly indulgent style of writing that is used. Like, I understand that it must be a pretty impressive thing to tell the story of a prophet/guru that it might be easy to get all caught up in excessive language -- but it just puts such a bad taste in my mouth. I guess because they all say that God is in everything -- God is everywhere -- We are all God's children -- God is even within us, we just have to realize it. Okay, so then why this ridiculous love and adoration for one person who has realized that? Shouldn't this love and adoration be for everyone (realized or not)? If anything, the non-realized people need this love and adoration more so they CAN realize their godliness. The prophets/gurus they already know and they are detached from human emotional needs because they feel God's love all the time.

Perhaps this is why I was so attracted to the God Memorandum when I came across it in High School (the height of my aethiest-ism). I can't remember who wrote it, but I remember that the whole idea is that God has sent us a Memo stating how wonderful we are, how "godly" we are, and you are supposed to read it over and over until it finally sinks in. Once you recognize your true worth, then you can also see everyone else's true worth, and therefore love everyone as God loves everyone. It is really a smart idea. I might re-read it. I haven't read it in a looooong time! At least I know I'll respond to it better than the things I've been reading.

In case you can't tell, I'm trying REALLY hard to put aside all of cynicism and doubt. I really want to have faith in something. I understand that I need that and I even WANT it. The problem is I'm very very very picky about what I will accept. Which, according to Buddha, is a good thing!! It just makes this whole spiritual quest that much more difficult!! But then, I am talented when it comes to making things more difficult than they have to be.

“Do not believe in what you have heard; do not believe in doctrines because they have been handed down to you through generations; do not believe in anything because it is followed blindly by many; do not believe in truths to which you have become attached by habit; do not believe merely on the authority of your teachers and elders. Have deliberation and analyze, and when the result agrees with reason and conduces to the good of one and all, accept it and live up to it.”

~Buddha

I've also been thinking about meeting Amma. As usual, everyone is telling me what I should do. I had already been thinking the same things they were -- to ask for a baby, to ask for mental/spiritual health/strength, and to ask for a mantra. (Like I said before -- I'm trying really hard to have faith in something and so I thought this would be a good place to start. I'll ask -- the worst thing that will happen is nothing will change!) But then I thought, if Amma really is this God-realized being, do I really want my first encounter with her to be asking for something? I then thought regardless of her divinity, I really want to thank her for having created a place like this where I could come and just focus on me. She is the one who wanted to start an Ayurvedic Clinic, College, and Research Center. Without all of this, I would never have found Ayurveda and would never have been able to experience the love and care of these amazing Brahmacharinis. So, I think I'll just say "Thank you".

July 14 --

Well, last night I looked at a calendar and I couldn't believe that the month is half over already! I know I've been writing down the dates on my blogs, but it didn't click until I looked at a calendar. So much for staying out of the internet cafe!! I have to get in to check my e-mail and see about extending my ticket. I e-mailed the travel agent and didn't get a response. Then I called her and left a message. I would call again, but I need my flight numbers and I don't have that info on me. It is in an e-mail. So, I really need to check my e-mail and get in contact with this lady asap. I'm running out of time fast! I am scheduled to leave in 1 week!! Wow -- I can't believe that it has all passed so quickly. I remember thinking how slow time was passing when I first got here. An extra week will be so good for me. I've heard that the week or two after Panchakarma can be the most tiresome as your body tries to recover.

Post 12

2008-07-06T06:36:00.003-04:00

July 6 -- Hope everyone had a nice 4th of July weekend.

Good News!!! Jesus says that the donation are rolling in! I’m so excited. THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU to everyone who donated/is donating. You are making a significant difference in a young man’s life.

Well, now I am doing the rice bundles treatment. They take rice and put it in cloth bundles and boil them. When the rice is soft they let them cool slightly and then they rub my whole body with them. I have a friend named Jane here and she is from England and she has a very sing-songy kind of accent. When she was trying to tell me about it she said, “It’s like being licked by a thousand cows.” So, during my first treatment I couldn’t stop laughing because I kept hearing her saying that. I think the Bramacharinis (sp?) were probably wondering what I’d sniffed. I tried explaining it to them, but communication is always a little chopping with them. I’m sure the humor was lost in translation.

Tomorrow I’m going across the bridge to visit the Ayurvedic College. There is another doctor there who specializes in determining your dosha (body type) and then prescribing a diet/guidelines for you. Of course there is another charge -- but knowing this information will help to keep all this Panchakarma treatment from going to waste. I’ll know how to care for myself better so I don’t get this out of balance again. Did I already mention that I checked a book out from the library about Ayurveda? It is called Contemporary Ayurveda and it is pretty technical but it did a lot to convince me of its effectiveness and benefits. It was published in like 1998, but I figure these techniques have been around for thousands of years -- the only more a newer book could tell me is more research that has been done. But by now, I’m already convinced, so I don’t need more research to prove or disprove it.

I started my “silence” about 30-45 minutes ago for lots of reasons, but what really did was this Bramachari who spoke to the Western Cafe about the dog situation here. There are currently 3-4 dogs that are hanging around the Ashram. Indians (at least the ones here) do not like dogs. They think of them like Americans think of rats. I was really upset at the contradiction between Amma being this all compassionate and loving person and the Amma that sends a message to stop feeding the dogs. I totally understand the whole thing about diseases and possible bites. But the guy said that this is a recurring problem, so I asked why hasn’t something been set up to help the dogs and keep them off the streets. I mean Amma has practically rebuilt this whole region through the money that is generated and her devotees’ services... why not set up an animal hospital/shelter. Why not educate the community on dealing this stray dogs to minimize bites? This guy was little help. Basically what it came down to (to him) was that dogs are lowers on the scale of consciousness and they are dogs because of past bad karma and so when it comes to feeding a human or feeding a dog -- they’re going to feed the human.

Now -- I totally agree that if it comes down to human or dog, I’d chose the human because I’m programmed that way. But I think that the choice doesn’t have to be human or dog. You should see how much food goes in the compost piles. Just a portion of that a day would help feed these dogs. Not to mention the fact that so many Westerners come to the Ashram who LOVE dogs and cats and would gladly give their time, energy, and money to help with a shelther/hospital.

Anyway, as I was saying before, I’m a little overly sensitive right now because of the Panchakarma and so I could barely talk to the guy because I was holding back the tears. Finally I just said “Thank you” and left. I went to a little garden right outside of the Ashram and cried. I was so pissed off. I had a million thoughts going through my head at once... here are a few of them...

I thought God was supposed to be in ALL things -- so shouldn’t we treat all things with the same kind of love?

I’m not much better though, in their eyes I’m wicked because I eat cows and I do enjoy killing mosquitos.

But, if I saw a sick cow, I’d want to help it just as much as I want to help a dog. I really think I’d even feel sorry for a sick or hurt rat. And sometimes (very few, but every once in a while) I will even feel bad for the mosquitos. It isn’t their fault that they have to suck blood to survive and I’ve got so much of it to give. Is it really that bad if they take a sip?

I just need to talk to Amma one on one. I need to understand her reasoning here, because it just doesn’t make sense with the rest of her beliefs. I never have liked not understanding someone’s way of thinking. If I can understand I can better accept it. Like even that Bramachini, I don’t like that he sees dogs are lesser beings, but at least I understand where he is coming from and I can leave that alone.

Why am I so upset over this? What’s really bothering you here? Hmmmmm, does it remind you of when you were a kid and you wanted to help all the stray cats and Dad would tell you no and then he’d take them “away”? I think maybe that has something to do with it.

Okay, so I don’t like it. Either quit crying and complaining or do something about it. What can I do? I’m not going to give up my life to live here and try to save a few dogs. Ahhh, so they’re not THAT important to me after all????

That’s not fair. I have responsibilities back home. I have a husband and dogs of my own to care for. I have committed to take care of them. Would it make sense to neglect them to save a few others? Of course not.

But I could send money. Money goes far here in India. I could sacrifice a little and save money and donate it on the condition that be used only to build/run an animal shelter there at the ashram. Do I really think I could come up with that kind of money? Hmmmm, probably not. I could raise the money!

Am I really going to be able to stay focused on these dogs when I get back home and am distracted by work and other responsibilities? I do have a very long record of SAYING that I want to change something and then never actually doing what it takes to make that change.

Ah, just give up. What are you trying to prove anyway? This is an established culture, there is no way you’re going to do anything that will make a real difference. And so what if a couple of dogs suffer and die?

I can’t believe I just thought that!!!! But does it really matter? There are animals suffering all over the world all the time.

Well, in that case, does anything really matter? I mean, why try to stop any suffering?

Hmmmm, so it seems that one could get carried away with either caring or indifference. If I had to chose one to get carried away with or one side to err on, it would have to be caring.

Okay, so care about these dogs and you feel very strongly that you need to do something regardless of what the stupid Ashram rules say. What am I going to do? How about I go into silence until I figure it out? Sounds good.

I was there for a long time. Then a guy came into the garden. He had been one of the guys that also helped take care of Declan (this is the ACTUAL REAL spelling of his name -- I got it wrong the last time I asked him how to spell it -- uhhhh only Gloria!). Anyway, he’s a tall skinny guy that kind of reminds me of a Spanish Waldo. I don’t know his name right now. He saw that I was upset and guessed it was about the dogs... he also guessed very quickly that I was in silence. But he had some GREAT insight into the whole thing. Basically he is saying that sometimes these “spiritual” people who “represent” Amma get a little carried away with “Amma say this” and “Amma says that” and that really Amma never wanted any kind of institution -- which is what the Ashram is now. He said I was probably overly sensitive because the way they are institutionalizing the treatment of these dogs is similar to the institutionalized way they pushed my friend Declan out of the Ashram. It is hard to say what all happened in this situation, but basically, they wanted him to have his own 24 hour care and they didn’t want Ashram resources (visitors who could be doing other seva) “wasted” on him. At least that is the way it seemed to me. Anyway, he continued by saying that all you can do in this life is try to be sincere in everything you do and observe and learn from your reactions to things. So he suggested that be honest with myself and try to figure out why I am having such a strong reaction and then, what ever my actions may be (rules or no rules) that they be sincere. The thing I like best about this whole conversation -- besides the fact that I didn’t open my mouth and was actually able to listen -- was that he wasn’t lecturing me. He kept saying, “the way I see it” and “I think” and “May I suggest” but there was no lecture to it at all. I’ve been getting lots of lectures since I’ve been here. Everyone wants to tell me what I should and shouldn’t do -- maybe this is another reason I had such a strong reaction to this Bramachari.

Anyway, so I am in silence. I’m going to keep chewing on this one. I keep thinking this is good -- that I am getting so upset by lectures and rules and people expecting me to do this or that -- it is good because it is forcing me to deal with all the things that I am really good at NOT dealing with in the real world. In the real world there is always an escape. Here, there isn’t one. You just have to face it.

Which reminds me -- I said yes to someone today when I wanted to say no -- and then I didn’t even do the seva I was asked to do. I need to tell that person what happened and then tell him to please not ask me to do seva anymore. If I want to do seva, then I will volunteer for it.

Whew! I’m sweating now.

Post 11

2008-07-02T06:23:00.001-04:00

June 30 --

Saying No It is interesting... I don’t know what the cause is, all I know is I am realizing more and more how hard it is for me to say no to people and how annoying it is when I don’t. Yesterday I got really angry and I wanted to blame people for doing this or saying that, but the truth is... if I had just said no to them to start with, I would have avoided all the conflict. So, I have set a task for myself to talk to the people who I need to set boundaries with or say no to. Two down and one to go. Both people have handled it really well. I guess I knew all along that they would. I feel so uncomfortable, but I think this is an important lesson for me. I’m not sure why I have trouble saying no to begin with, but the sooner I learn how the better.

Crows They are everywhere here. I love to watch them interact with each other and listen to their cawing. They are like little angry bullies. They fly around pushing other birds away, screaming in their face, and stealing their food. Today, I swore I heard a frog croaking, but it was just another crow. One day, one of them was inching its way closer to my empty plate and I looked at him and said, “Don’t even think about it buster. Go away!” Then he said, “CAW-CAW!” and I said, “Oh yeah, CAW-CAW to you!” We continued like this for a while until he finally flew up on a fence turned his butt to me, pooped, and then flew away. (Did I already tell this story??)

Postcards I finally found some postcards. I will hopefully have them in the mail by the end of the week, but who knows how long it will take to get there. I’ve heard mail here takes a loooong time to travel. For this reason, I’m going to try to pack all the gifts I bring home in my baggage. This means I won’t be bringing as many things home as I’d like to. :(

July 1 --

Can you believe I’ve already been here 3 weeks? I really thought it would drag by, but it is going faster than I thought it would. I have decided to extend my stay here for one week. This will do several things -- #1 give my body a week to recoup from Panchakarma treatment before major travel, #2 give me a chance to meet Amma, #3 spend a day or two in Trivandrum to see what city life is like. I’m sure Jesus doesn’t like the idea, but he is being his usual patient and supportive husband and not uttering one complaint.

There are a lot of stray dogs around here. There is a really nice couple (the husband is from U.S. and the wife is from Italy) and they have a dog of their own. They brought him with them, his name is Lucky. Anyway, they have a soft spot for animals just like me. So the other day when I saw this poor mangy dog who was wet, cold, hungry, scared, and sick I thought I have to help this poor thing. I spoke to the couple about how to do this. It turns out they’ve had a lot of experience helping the animals around here. They have the number of a taxi who will actually allow dogs in his vehicle and the number of a good vet in Kollam. They say vet treatments are super cheap here. Also, the lady I ran into who told me about a teaching position that is open here said she would come along if she could to help out. She said she is pretty busy right now so she may not be about to come, but she’d pitch in on the cost. Americans are such suckers for animals. There is another dog -- she looks to be in good health -- she is small, white with orangish brown spots. She reminds me of a little Ella. She is very submissive to the humans, but has now taken control of the Ashram territory and is keeping all the other dogs at bay. She knows that I will stop what I’m doing to give her a scratch behind the ears, so she will purposely walk in front of me so I’ll trip over her if I don’t stop. She is very playful and mischievous. One morning I busted out laughing because Deklan was doing his mantra and she quietly picked up his walking cane and was running around with it in her mouth. Poor guy had no idea she took off with it. If there was anyway to take this dog home with me, I would... but then I’d do that with the small kitten that runs around meowing at everyone too. Ahhhhh, I wish I could be rich so I could help every person and animal I come across? I think I’d own a rescue ranch for animals and offer scholarships to students of all ages.

I’ve been losing weight. This was a nice surprise. I really didn’t think I would since I’m not allowed to do much in the way of physical exertion. But as usual, I found that just a small, but consistent change in my diet is all it takes to lose the extra padding. I almost never eat to the point of feeling stuffed (which I used to do all the time) and I’ve significantly cut out the sweets. I still eat a nice treat here and there and of course I have a little sugar in my tea, but other than that -- I really don’t have a chance to eat sweets. Tonight for example, my dinner was a mango, that’s it. I think that digestive tract cleaning probably took off a couple inches from my waist, just by itself.

Other than that one day of hell, the rest of my treatments have been heaven. My absolute favorite is the oil bath. See if you can image how gorgeous this feels -- You are lying on a large wooden table, there are three Bramacharinis, one at your feet with a bowl of warm sesame seed oil (with almost 100 different herbal medicines added) and two on each side of you with rags. They all start chanting and the two on each side start working together in perfect synchronization dipping the rags in the warm oil and then dripping it all over your body. Occasionally they will drape the rags over your shoulders or knees while they rub the oil into your skin. The one at your feet is constantly warming and replenishing the oil for the others. Then you turn over and they do the same to your backside. Ahhhhhhhh! One woman said it was the ONLY time during her whole treatment that she was happy. This treatment is amazing for sore joints.

I’m seriously considering trying out the silence thing. I have some questions about it first, like is it ok to chant or sing along in the temple or is it expected that no words leave your mouth at all? I guess, I could do it how ever I see fit. Then, I was thinking I would take it one day at a time. If I complete one day successfully, then I’ll try for another day and just see how long I can go or how long I want to go. This way I’m not disappointed if I don’t reach a goal I’ve set for myself. I figure I’ll get my ticket extended first and then I’ll give the silence thing a go.

I want to ask about the chanting/singing thing because there is one song (they sing it only in the mornings after Archana) that I love. It is so much fun. It’s about killing demons. I’ve always had a violent side to me. I like to imagine “stabbing their eyes out and then kicking them in the neck when they’re down!!” (That’s an inside joke -- sorry, I couldn’t help but include it here.) I’ve been practicing how to say the words so I can sing along and I would hate to give that up. Also there are is a chant that I really like (and I can actually say the words) and I’d like to continue to be able to speak it. It is all done in Sanskrit. How cool is that? I believe Sanskrit is the first known language.

The chant/prayer I like goes like this:

Om lokah samastah sukhino bhavantu (repeat 3X)

Om santih, santih, santih

Which is pronounced:

Om lokaha somastaha sukino bavantoo

Om shanti, shanti, shanti

Which means:

Om, may all the beings in all the worlds be happy

Om, peace, peace, peace

Donation Details

2008-06-28T01:52:00.002-04:00

First of all -- thank you, thank you, thank you, for all of you are participating in this. It really really means a lot to me.

Jesus just wrote to say that we will match every dollar that is donated, until we get to our total $500.

He also said that you can send him a check (made out to Jesus Moya), he will deposit the money and then I can withdraw it here.

If you have a picture of yourself that you can send along, that would be great, so I can show them who all helped out. Also, I heard for someone that they like to know who is giving the gift, so they know who to thank. Some believe it is bad karma to take a gift from someone you don't know. You can either send the picture snail-mail or e-mail attachment.

You can send checks to:

1406 E. Sorin
South Bend, IN 46617

Thanks again everyone!!

Post 10

2008-06-27T00:51:00.001-04:00

June 26 -- Well, I figure I’m stuck in my room, I might as well type of a blog entry. I can’t leave my room until maybe 4:00 pm this afternoon for my next Ayurvedic treatment. This morning after the shirovasti (sp?) a.k.a. head-needed-to-be-shaved-to-do-this-treatment, they gave me some really thick substance to drink that makes me go to the bathroom all day long. It cleans out the digestive tract. Which is a good thing, just not a good thing to go through. I have to drink warm water every thirty minutes, but I’m going to the bathroom every 15. For a while, I just stayed on the toilet... there was no point in getting off. Apparently they want me to go through this again before my treatment is over. Maybe I’ll just starve myself, so the next time it won’t be so miserable.

Next to the discomfort and sensitivity to rough, cheap toilet paper the worst part is trying not to sleep. They don’t want me napping, especially today. And, I think most of you know how much I like to sleep. So, I try pacing the floor, but that makes the discomfort and sensitivity worse. I’ve been reading a cheap-read book called The Host by Stephenie Meyer. She writes a series of vampire/werewolf love stories, I think. I tried to read them, but couldn’t get into to it. This one is different and it caught my attention right away. Nico gave it to me before she left. I didn’t think I’d actually read it, but it is turning out to be a nice distraction for now.

One of the “nuns” came and brought me my lunch right now. I have to eat only what they give me today. It is good for the digestive system. Rice and rice water and then a small side of vegetables. She said I could eat it in about an hour. Truth is, I’m not too hungry. I didn’t get to eat breakfast either. But, I think that stuff I had to drink -- ugh -- just thinking of it makes me want to puke-- I think it is so thick and moving so slowly, that I’m not feeling the hunger.

I was talking to one of the “nuns” this morning as she was doing my oil-on-the-shaved-head treatment. She said that they are called Barachinias (or something like that, I can’t remember exactly) -- not nun, but I’m going to use nun. She said they can join the ashram permanently at around 18 but most of them are older. She said it is totally their choice if they join and they can leave when they like, but they don’t want to leave. They keep the men and women very separate here. And not just in this ashram, the culture here keeps them very separate. I think this is why the men/boys here are so affectionate with each other. It is VERY normal for them to hold hands, hug, lay on each others’ laps, etc. I think they are lacking females to touch / flirt with so they use each other.

I love these “nuns”. They are soooooooo sweet and kind-hearted. They are the ones who do most of the treatments and they are totally focused on you for the entire thing. The one I spoke with this morning (I’m horrible with names -- especially ones that are not familiar to me) she is especially sweet. All I have to do is lift my hand to my head and she’s checking to see if I’m uncomfortable. I leaned down to pick up a stool the other day, to get on the massage table and she rushed over and got it for me. In the mornings, I usually stretch my neck out because all that oil on my head makes my neck strain. (Imagine a leather rectangle that is wrapped around the top of your head and sealed -- then they pour oil in that and it makes like a pool on your head.) She noticed my pain, so she started massaging my neck for me. The doctor, gives me hugs every time she sees me, like she is my mom. How can you not feel cared for? They don’t baby you in anyway -- they make you do the yucky stuff even if you don’t want to and they won’t sympathize and make sad faces when you complain. But, they will do whatever they can to make it more comfortable for you.

I haven’t been doing much seva since I started this ayurvedic treatment and the western kitchen ladies are not happy about this. I usually help chop the vegetables that will go into the meals. These ladies take their jobs a little too seriously I think. But theirs is a big responsibility. If the food isn’t ready, there will be a lot of hungry and angry people waiting on them. I’m a little frustrated, because technically, I don’t have to do any seva since I’m doing Panchakarma. It is highly recommended that you rest as much as possible. But, chopping vegetables isn’t too difficult and if I get tired I stop. Yesterday, I did stop and their heads shot up -- “Are you coming back?” I didn’t like the way they asked it. So, I think I might not help out there anymore. Maybe right before I leave (so they don’t poison my food) I’ll let them know that their attitudes really turn people off from helping out in the kitchen.

I absolutely love going to the beach. I don’t get to go often, but when I do -- it is gorgeous. I realized that for me -- nature is my religion. I feel that “there’s something more to this life” feeling only when I am witnessing powerful natural forces. I should have guessed this a long time ago (and maybe I did, but forgot it somehow). When I was a little girl, I used to beg to go out and play in the rain. When the rain turned dangerous, like tropical storms or hurricanes, I would sit in the garage, on the bumper of my parents’ car and just watch in complete awe. My mom never liked this. She wanted me inside where I’d be safe. I felt that I could never get close enough. I remember that I also used to be fascinated with the vastness of the sky. I could stare at it forever and never get sick of it. I wasn’t watching clouds so much as I was just in complete awe of the beauty and size of it all. It made me and all my problems feel so small. I miss that. In South Bend, it’s like someone has pulled a dark gray shade down over my beautiful view. That oppressive gray sky is enough to make you feel trapped.

Hmmm, I think it is time to move away from the midwest!

Okay, I’m really miserable now. I seriously cannot wipe anymore -- it hurts too much, but I also can’t stop going to the bathroom! I think I’ll bring everything into the bathroom and just camp out there. Then when I think I’m finally done, I’ll just take a cool shower. So, that’s bye for now. I’ll post this when I can leave my room again. :P

************

A few hours later and MISERABLE is the only word I can think of to describe how I’m feeling. I fought the need to throw-up for almost 8 hours, but I couldn’t hold it back anymore. I threw up that nasty thick, saw-dust-like substance and it just made me want to throw up even more. It would get stuck in my throat and make me gag. YUCK!!!!! :P

Everyone has warned me about how difficult Panchakarma can be, but I was getting massages at the time, so I didn’t listen too closely. Plus, I didn’t want to be scared away from doing it. They say it is really emotional too. I did start crying for no apparent reason the other day during one of the massages. And then today, after throwing up what little food I did get to eat, feeling weak and miserable, I bumped my head on an iron staircase (I still had the throw-up taste in my mouth and I was trying to spit in an inconspicuous place) and I couldn’t help it... I cried. I felt so stupid. I couldn’t go back to my room and feel stupid though. Marta and Allison are leaving the ashram today and I was trying to say goodbye when this all happened. They were so sweet about it though. So sympathetic to my sensitive emotions.

Then I had to go get the Nasiam (sp?) treatment where they put drops of some medicated oil in your nostrils while your head is hanging upside down. Then you have breath in really HARD and start spitting. More YUCK! :P So, I was really really really not having a good day. Oh, and did I mention (boys close your eyes) I’m on my period? Yeah, yeah, I know. How much worse could it get? I’m hoping not much.

Good news is tomorrow I only have the oil-on-the-bald-head treatment and an oil bath. Ahhhh, just the thought makes me happy. This Panchakarma treatment is not for the weak. I used to think I was weak. Now, I’m feeling a lot stronger. Plus, I really think it is doing some good. I can totally see why westerners prefer pills to this. The pills cover up the symptoms. Curing the problem is hard work.

I’m starving right now. I can’t eat for another 3 hours. They want me to only eat from the Indian cafe tonight. Otherwise I’d drag my hungry self over the bridge and eat something right now. If I can’t eat and I feel miserable, then next thing I’d like to do is sleep, but again, that’s a no-no. They won’t let me escape this discomfort!! But this is a good thing, right? This is what I’m here for.

So, I was thinking... which I have plenty of time to do lately. I still feel uncomfortable with the whole worshipping a person like a God thing. I don’t know if I’ll ever feel comfortable with that. But what I do like about gurus is that they have to prove themselves worthy through their daily actions. In the western religions, I think all you really have to do is get a degree in theology. (I’m sure there is more, but this part I know for sure). Here in the east, it seems like no one is going to come listen to what you have to say until you have proven consistently over many years that you are a good, wise person. Now, after that they can turn as crooked as they want (and I understand some of them do), but at least there is more of a screening process. For example, I don’t how long a guru would be able to get away with molesting little kids before he/she was dismissed as a fraud and never heard of again. I don’t think they’d put up with for a second. Now I don’t know any of this as fact -- this is just the impression I get.

More thoughts to come later... I just don’t know when. Love you all and miss you!

Good Cause

2008-06-23T01:13:00.002-04:00

There is a beautiful family here just outside the ashram where we all like to go have a cup of chai. There is a beautiful wife, hard-working husband, and two boys. Actually, they're men now. One is 21 and the other 18. They are extremely sweet and just good people. You can see it in their eyes and smile. The 18 year old, Shanker, and I were talking and he told me that he cannot go to college because they are spending all their money on the oldest to go. He said this is normal here. I asked him if he could go, would he? Where would he choose to go? What would he study? How much would it cost?

He said he would go to ALFA (http://www.alfainstitute.com/index.htm) and study welding. He said the total cost would be 20,000 rupees ($500).

I then asked if someone could give him the money, would he go, and would his parents allow it, would his parents be offended?

He said yes he would go and no his parents wouldn't be offended. I double checked this with the parents.

So, I wrote to Jesus asking if he'd be willing to help this family out. He says we can help, but right at this moment he doesn't feel comfortable giving the whole $500. (He's doing a bunch of home improvement projects that we've put off for years and doesn't want to run out of money.) So, I thought that MAYBE some of you might want to pitch in whatever you can to help this family out. I can post pictures and maybe even video, if it makes it seem more personal. They have invited me for dinner tonight, so I can take some then.

Please, I don't want anyone to feel pressure or guilty if you don't want/can't help out. I just thought I'd ask. A lot of times we want to help, but we just don't know who or where. I thought this was a good cause. This small thing could change this guy's life forever. A little bit of money goes a long way here in India.

There is something you should know first though. Since this is such a small amount, I don't think it is worth hiring a lawyer to draw up papers that they sign stating that they will use this money for college ONLY. So, if you give this money, then you would have to give it as a gift and understand that it is possible that they may not use it the way we intend. I seriously doubt this family would do something like that. They are not greedy, but they are human, and they come from a very different culture than we do. In there culture, it may be OK to take money for one thing and use it for another. I don't know. So, if you give money, it would have to be with this in mind.

If it sounds like people are interested in this, then I can discuss the best way to handle the money with Jesus and let you all know what to do. Please don't give money if you feel uncomfortable with the idea. This all requires a lot of trust on your part... trust in Jesus and I and trust in the people to use your money as we say we will. I understand if this not something you'd want to do.

If it is... then please let me know what you'd like to give.

Thanks to everybody in advance. Love you all.

I'm Bald!

2008-06-22T06:08:00.003-04:00

Couldn't help. I had to post the pics. Thanks again for EVERYONE'S support in my decision. But since I'm here, I'll just give you a super quick update.

Nicole is gone -- so is Anand. I'm doing three different Panchakarma treatments right now, massage, sinus cleaning, and the "warm water or oil on my bald head" treatment. I'm not too sure what it is, but I'm exhausted and sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo sleepy. More than usual. Which is a lot!!!

I LOVE going to the beach (even though I'm not supposed to). Other than that -- not much.

Love to all.

No more posting for a while :(

2008-06-20T01:07:00.002-04:00

Sorry! In case you didn't already read in my comments below, I've decided to stop blogging so much. I don't know when I'll post again. I think about nothing else but what I'm going to write in my blog and what pictures I can post. I need to focus a little more on why I'm here.

Love you all. Sorry to disappoint.

Post 9

2008-06-20T01:01:00.000-04:00

June 19th -- Another great day. I woke up at 4:00 this morning and made it to Archana. Then at 6:00 I went for my first ayurvedic treatment which is just a simple massage with some interesting smelling oils. The difference it that have you get completely naked and they do not cover you with anything. This is very difficult to get used to. But, this doctor (who actually did the massage herself -- I don’t think this is usual) has such a motherly way about her that you feel ok with it. After the massage (1 hour) she took me to the shower and washed my back for me. Then after I came out she had some tea for me to drink and she dried my hair for me. I felt like a little girl again, like my mom was taking care of me. It was very nice. Then, I went and meditated for a while.

At 8:00 it was time to help with the cows. Everything went very smooth today until the guy who I call “Shawn” (because that is the only sounds I can make out of his name) thought I could handle the cow that hates people. She got me in the stomach with her horns. It scared me more than it hurt. But now, I have a bruise or tender spot there. I’m going to tell him that I don’t want to be near that cow anymore!

Next it was time for breakfast. They had these beautiful cinnamon scones and I had some coffee with warm milk and jaggery. Yum. Pizza was up and at it early today. She was terrorizing some young female (Indian) student doctors who were eating at the western cafe today. I was lucky though, she was gone by the time I was ready to eat my scone. I have seen her/him with another eagle circling the skies in the morning hours from the balcony view in front of the elevators on my floor. Today I was lucky enough to see them from my bedroom window. Beautiful.

I chopped vegetables again today for part of my seva. This took forever and was not fun because half of the vegetables were rotten, but Amma believes in wasting as little as possible, so you have to cut out all the rotten stuff and chop up what is left. This is not fun!

Later I took Deklan into town because he has been craving chicken ever since he heard that I had some. I was able to trade my already-opened medicine bottle for more services from the guys wife. I told him today would not be good, because I had Deklan, but some other day. He agreed.

I also picked up some pants I ordered to be made for me by the tailor. The only problem is they are like 2 sizes too big. I have to go back tomorrow and ask them to fix them.

Technically I am no supposed to go to town during my ayurvedic treatment. But I need to finish my business there and then I will stop. In the meantime, I’ll take it as easy as possible. Good news is, so far I’m doing the easy part. It gets tougher later on. I go back tomorrow at 6:00am for another massage!

Love to all.

Post 8

2008-06-19T06:02:00.001-04:00

June 18th -- Well, I overslept today. It was just too hard to pull myself out of bed at 4:00am, so I didn’t. But, I didn’t think it would take me 4 more hours to finally wake up! So, I missed helping with the cows and the fresh cow’s milk coffee. I missed Archana and the free tea. I did sit in for the second Archana of the day to make up for the missed one in the morning. I bought a book that translates what is being said. A lot of it is really repetitious and contradictory. I don’t get it. However, I do understand the idea behind chanting. I used to hate it in church when they would do that whole chanting type of call and response thing, but after doing some reading on curanderas (women healers and medicine women) and other speaking with others, I understand now that is it about the vibrations created through this process -- not necessarily the words or who the words are a bout. So, I tried to keep up today. Not easy.

Later, I was assigned to help Deklan (this is the correct spelling of his name -- I asked) find his way around for about 2 hours. While he was doing his mantra, I was reading about Amma and all the wonderful things she and her devotees have been able to do. It is really beautiful. But, what I really liked was when I read a quote from here saying, “The essence of motherhood is not restricted to women who have given birth; it is inherent in both men and women. It is an attitude of the mind. It is love, and love is the very breath of life.” Now, I know that many people have said many things similar to this, but it always helps to hear it again -- especially when you know the person has no idea what your personal situation is. It seems more authentic. I keep reminding myself of something I heard Amma say (through satellite viewing and translation) which was basically, “You can do everything right, but you still may not get the outcome you want.” So, I have to remind myself, that even if I do all this ayurvedic treatment and cleanse my body and do Artificial Insemination -- I may not get pregnant. I have to learn to be okay with that.

Anand, the Indian guy, attempted to read my palm today. I think a lot of Indians dabble in this. He says, that I will have only one true love/marriage. And that I will have one BIG baby. He says he has never seen a baby line that big before. (He had not seen pictures of Jesus prior to this -- but when I showed him Jesus’ head, he understood). I thought this was interesting. According to what he says, if you are right handed then your left hand shows what you were destined to do/have and the right show what your actions have now created for you. If you are left-handed it is the other way around. I thought was interesting. Still, I don’t know if there is anything to this. It is just a lot of fun. Also, I ended up hanging out with Deklan, Nico, and Marta again tonight and we got on to the topic of how Deklan “sees” people. He says he sees like a light and senses people’s energy. He said that I have a childlike spirit and that I am playful, but that he also senses a deep sadness that comes and goes. I thought that was pretty spot on. The truth is, I am only playful and childlike around children. Good thing I work with them all day. Marta, Nico, Deklan, and I hung out at the tea place right outside the ashram for a while and he played his drums and sang for us a little. Then we each tried to play the drums. It was hilarious and so much fun. I got some pic/video. I’ll see if I can’t post it.

I met with the ayurvedic doctor today and I go tomorrow morning at 6:00am for my first treatment. I think we are starting off with the massage. She didn’t say anything about needing to shave my head yet. So, I’ll let you know when the time comes. She says that she will give the correct medicine and to take that bottle back to the guy and ask for my money back. So, I will.

Well, it is late and I have to get up early. So, this is all for now. Love to all.

Post 7

2008-06-18T07:06:00.000-04:00

June 17 -- Another Great Day! I woke up early today to go to the Archana. I was able to get my Ayurvedic meds down too! WooooHoooo! (One of them that I hadn’t tried yet actually tastes like a vinegary kind of alcohol. It’s pretty tasty.) I got free tea at 6:00am (this is offered everyday), called home to wish Dad a belated Happy Father’s Day. He actually said he was a proud father. That was amazing. All I’ve ever wanted to hear from my dad is that he is proud of me. Then I talked to my mom and sister (Melissa) for a little while. Everyone is supporting me in my head-shaving adventure. Except my mom was wise enough not to share this information with my dad.

Later around 8:00am I went to help out with the cows. The guy who is in charge of them is very well educated (mechanical engineer), I’m not sure why he stopped and is now taking care of cows, but I imagine it has to do with something spiritual. He learned a little about palm reading from his father and then learned some on his own, so while the cows were finishing their breakfast, he read my palms. It was interesting. Of course, I felt like most of it he could have guessed just by talking with me, but some of it was surprisingly true and I didn’t feel like it was something he could have guessed at. However, it is probably true for a lot of people and he just got lucky. He was way off with one thing. He said I was good in business. Apparently if your pinky finger curves in toward your ring finger then you are supposed to be good with business. He was very correct in saying that I make impulsive decisions, that I am stubborn, that I will agree with just about anything someone says, even if one day what I agree with contradicts what I agree with the next day, and that I judge people a lot and very harshly and that I do the same with myself. As we were talking and right before he started to read my palm, he made some coffee with fresh cows milk and sugar. He offered me some. It was delicious!! Even if they won’t let me help out with the cows once I start my Ayurvedic treatment, I will still visit everyday if it means I get offered some of that coffee! I’m supposed to take some of my meds with warm milk anyway. :) He also dabbles in reading astrology charts. He says it is a hobby of his. So, just for the fun of it, I’m going to give him my info. He says he has some software that he uses and if I bring him my memory stick, he’ll load the info on there for me. Super nice guy. I asked him if he charged and he said no, it is something he likes to do for friends. The cows were interesting. Some didn’t want to go out “to pasture” (which really means being tied to a coconut tree in a field) and others wanted to almost run there. One cow, who really did not like being pulled by a string through her nose, stepped on my pinky toe (and yes Jesus I was wearing flip flops, but everyone here does -- so flip-flop my flip-flop). I have pretty tough feet and so it didn’t hurt that bad, but I was afraid she might break it. It was red for a while, but now it is fine. The calves are adorable! They like to run and jump on their way out to the coconut trees. They also do not like being taken away from their mothers’ milk! I don’t blame them. It is good!

After that I got a quick breakfast (I was late because we got a late start with the cows) of Raggi Pancakes. It is some sort of non-wheat baking substance that tastes pretty good with butter and Jaggery (a purer form of sugar). Then I went to the temple to meditate and almost fell asleep. I chilled in my room for a little bit and then decided I had some errands to run across the bridge in the little town. So, I went all by myself.

First I stopped and ordered some pants to be made for me from the tailor shop. Then I stopped at the ayurvedic shop to see if they had the one medicine that the ashram ayurvedic shop did not have. Turns out they didn’t, but he wasn’t going to say that... so he sent a kid to go get some (from probably another ayurvedic shop) and asked if I’d like a facial while I waited. His wife owns a beauty shop two doors down from his shop. It was only 200 rupees (about $5), so I said, Sure. Why not? My skin is looking horrible anyway. So she proceeded to apply and wipe away different concoctions and then she took the pimple tool and started attacking my face with it. (Rosanna, remember that tool you introduced me too, it was almost the same thing. The only thing is, I could never inflict this kind of pain on myself.) I felt my whole body get hot from the pain. It was nearly unbearable at times, but she got all that icky white build up crap out! It was amazing. Then she asked (for no extra charge) if I wanted my eyebrows threaded. I have never done threading before and my eyebrows desperately needed attention and it was no charge, so again I said, why not? This was a whole other kind of pain and only slightly more bearable. My eyebrows look GREAT too. They have never looked so nice. She went a little too far on the left brow, but I don’ think it is too obvious right now. After that, I got my medicine (I’ll talk more about this later).

Now, I had worked up an appetite, and so I went to eat at the restaurant between the beauty shop and the ayurvedic shop. I ordered fried chicken and vegetable fried rice. OH MY GOD was it delicious. First of all, this is the first chicken I’ve had in about one week. (Jesus would have been proud of all the meat I ate off it.) Second, the rice was amazing!! There was a curry like sauce to pour over it and it had carrots, onions, cashews, raisins, cloves, cinnamon, and much more, but you get the idea. There were two other side dishes (a salad -- which isn’t really a salad and some other thing I had no idea about but ate it anyway -- kind of like a light and puffy tostada). I wasn’t able to finish it all, so I took the leftovers home and ate them for dinner YUMMY!!!!! The best part is that, with tip included, it was only $2 (80 rps).

Then I stopped by the ATM, got out some cash, and headed back to my room. It was scorching and I was sweating like you wouldn’t believe. I have never, ever, ever sweat so much in my life as I have on this trip.

In the afternoon, I met up with my friends and chatted for a while. Then I took a desperately needed shower. Later I went to the internet cafe. Then, I met up with my friends again, and had a few cups of chai tea. I talked more with the 21 year old guy that lives in the house where we got the tea (just outside the ashram). I like talking to the locals more than the people from the ashram. He told me about how he is about to finish college and then start an internship in chemical engineering. I asked him a lot of questions and he asked me a lot of questions. Nice kid. His English is really good since he gets to practice with all the English speaking foreigners that come to the ashram (which is almost all of them). Then another friend Kevin (who is way into Hinduism) invited me to observe his nightly ritual (there is name for it, but can’t remember what it is now) where he lights a fire and sings to the pictures of his gurus/gods. He has his own little shrine. It was very relaxing to watch. He made some tea for me and we talked a little about his devotion. He likes to talk about it. He especially like to try to shock you with some of his stories. His favorite thing to do is to start telling you something and then stop and say he can’t tell you because it is just indescribable just so that you’ll beg him to try to explain it. Then he will inevitably give in and try to explain some really weird experience he’s had. He nice, and I appreciate the invite, but sometimes he’s just a little too out there for me.

So back to this ayurvedic medicine that is so hard to come by. So, this dude wraps up the bottle in newspaper, takes my money, gives me my change and the medicine. He helps me order food at the restaurant, and while he’s doing this, I open the newpaper (because this is odd -- normally they don’t waste paper and plastic on wrapping if they can help it) and find that the bottle looks used, the label has been taped on, and when I open the cap, I find that there is the seal is broken and punctured. I ask him about this and he tries to explain that he had a big bottle of the medicine and I only needed a little, so he just used this bottle to fill up what I needed. I thought, right now, I know that I don’t have information and/or energy to try to argue with this guy about it. So, when I get back to the ashram the pharmacy guy says it is the right stuff, but that the bottle should be sealed. I ask him if it is safe to take, he says, that’s up to you. Which to me means, NO. So, I’m going back tomorrow and see what I can do. Now that I have this other Indian guys opinion, I have some ammo. They like to treat foreigners as if they don’t know anything, but if I say that this Indian guy said so, then it is hard for them to argue with that. So, this will be interesting.

Post 6

2008-06-17T06:24:00.000-04:00

June 16 -- I am waking up later and later every day and I’m feeling more and more tired. Weird. Shouldn’t it be the other way around? Anyway, I’m going to have to start setting my alarm. I really want to make it to the Archana in the mornings. Everyone says the energy during this time (right before dawn and the chanting) is very powerful. The last two days I’ve been sleeping through it.

Today I had to say goodbye to Carol and Jose. Two friends I made here at the ashram. They are from Mexico (near Mexico City) with an organic farm. Jose teaches students (in the country and in the city) about organic farming. I’m not sure what Carol does, but I can relate to her a lot because she also has trouble getting pregnant and she loves animals. In fact, she handed over the job of walking the cows out of their stalls every morning to me! Jose reminds me of a painting of Jesus Christ. He has long-ish, dark-ish, curly-ish hair and a matching beard. He is thin and has the kindest eyes and a patient smile to go with them. Carol is so sweet and makes the funniest facial expressions. I love to watch her when she talks! She said her dad named her after Carol Burnette! (sp?) Can you believe that?? Apparently, her dad was in love with Carol Burnette. I took of picture of them on their way out of the ashram. They are going to do some more traveling before they go back home. This is their honeymoon. They have been married only a month or two. They have known each other for 15 years! They’ve been friends, but had other relationships and have finally come together. It is really beautiful. I gave them my e-mail address and told them to keep in touch.

Tomorrow, I go to see the ayurvedic doctor. Hopefully she’ll be able to see me then. Otherwise, I go back on Wednesday. I’m a little worried because this morning I tried taking my ayurvedic medicine and I threw it up. I tend to get myself all worked up over something (like shots or yucky foods/medicines) that I end up not being able to handle it. I knew this about myself going into this treatment, but I thought “Well, I have learned to handle my fear of shots, now I can work on my fear of swallowing yucky stuff.” So, I prepared myself by thinking, “This is good for you. You need this. It smells good (which is not a lie -- it smells like spices I’d put on meat). You can do this. Control yourself. Take it a little at a time. If you can handle it, drink it all in one gulp.” I really believed I could do it, too. I started to gag, and then I put it down, walked away and told myself to get control!!! Then I came back to try again and that is when it all came up. So, I’ll talk to her tomorrow about how to handle this. I think I could take it in smaller doses. Right now it is 4 tbsp of water with 2 tbsps of this greenish stuff, and then 1 tsp of this spicy powdery stuff all mixed together. Carol says that sometimes you can get this stuff in pill form. I’ll ask about that too, but I really don’t want to have to pay for more meds. I’d really just like to learn to take the damn stuff.

Everyone (including Jesus) is happy for me and my decision to shave my head and really dive into this treatment. I have the best supportive husband, family, and friends in the world! Thank you all for supporting me.

I developed this really small rash in Mexico (back in April when we went) that appeared on the back of my left hand in the area between my thumb and index finger. It disappeared almost as quickly as it appeared and it only itched a little while it was there. Now it is back and it is also showing up on my right hand in the same place. I have no idea what it is. Some people suggested it might be a reaction to the sun. I also had gotten a lot of sun in Mexico by the time it showed up. It could also be heat induced, I suppose. Strange.

This afternoon for lunch we actually had some GOOD Indian food here in the ashram. It was so delicious. I’m not sure what the difference was in the vegetable sauce, but I know the bread-like substance that was served with it was a huge help. It was almost like a flatten football shape of white moist bread or rice??? I don’t know, but it was perfect with the sauce. I didn’t even get any rice today. It was great. I hope we have leftovers for dinner.

After we finished this delicious lunch, Xavier (Chavi is the nickname in Catalan), brought us some leftover Spanish Tortilla (which is eggs, potatoes, and onions) that was so scrumptious. I guess it's round flat shape reminded Pizza, the eagle, of pizza, the food because she tried to snatch it out of my hand. Her talons actually scraped my finger! It scared me pretty bad at first, but then I just thought it was really cool.

******************** a few hours later*****************

Actually, I think I might skip dinner. I had an ice cream cone (don’t go freaking out -- the food here at the ashram, including the designated drinking water areas, are perfectly fine. No one gets sick here) and then I had some Chai tea (again -- I drink at least three cups of this a day) so now I’m feeling full. Plus, according to the Panchakarma pamphlet I was given, it is not good to eat after 6:00 pm. So, I don’t know why the ashram serves dinner at 8:00 pm. Anyway, I’m in my room now, I’m feeling full, and I want to get up earlier than usual tomorrow so it is a good reason to skip dinner and get to bed early.

I met and talked with this cute couple (I think they are a couple -- they just met like 1 or 2 weeks ago in India) today. They have kind of taken the place of Carol and Jose me. Marta is from Spain (Barcelona) and Anand is from Northern India (but I don’t remember which part). They are very nice and interesting as well.

The only problem is that I feel I am spending more time chatting with friends than working on my meditation and spirituality. So, since tomorrow marks 1 week at the ashram for me (I can’t believe it is already one week -- it went so fast -- even though it was feeling so slow) I’ve decided to start pulling away a little from them. Also tomorrow will probably be when I start the Panchakarma, so it will be a good time to start focusing on my health (physical and spiritual).

Some people go into “silence” while they are here. They will spend a certain number of days (I don’t know how this number is determined) without talking, reading, writing, touching, even without looking at others (if they can avoid it). I think the whole point is to be with yourself -- your own mind -- and get to know it well. In the book Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert, the book that inspired this trip, she talks about realizing that her mind is like a harbour and her thoughts like ships. She decided to begin questioning each ship before allowing it to come into her harbour. If the ship was full of poisonous cargo or carried any kind of sickness, she did not allow it in. In other words, she became very aware of her thoughts and started being able to control them. In the Asian cultures they always seem to use the analogy of a Monkey Mind -- hopping around out of control. I prefer to think of the mind as a home and as the thoughts like a puppy. Only because I am now such a dog lover and this analogy makes a lot of sense to me. Basically, you can allow a puppy to run free, without a home or owner’s to protect it, and it could even be happy that way. But, it is sure to contract worms, eat garbage, catch fleas, and get very messy and stinky. On the other hand, a puppy that has a home and caring owner’s can be trained to come in when it is called, can get vet care to prevent all the diseases and parasites, have guaranteed meals, get plenty of love, etc. In other words, we need to train our thoughts to come when called, so that they don’t end up smelling like garbage.

All of this has got me thinking that I might give this silence thing a try. I mean, where else am I going to be able to do this for an extended period of time? It is very tempting for me to get all caught up in Nicole’s exciting and adventurous spirit, but I need to remind myself that right now, at this moment, my purpose in being is for personal growth, not necessarily for adventure (though I believe a little adventure comes with the territory and I welcome it).

Do you guys realize that I am averaging about two and half pages worth of text each day? I really hope I’m not boring the pants off you guys. And don’t worry, I haven’t forgotten about posting pictures. I’ll keep trying.

Love you all and miss you!!!!!!

Post 5

2008-06-16T01:38:00.000-04:00

June 15 -- Well there IS a concept of weekends here, but it seems only the bank observes it in the ashram.

Let’s see, where do I start? I have so much to tell. I had another great day! I bought about $40 worth of ayurvedic medicines. It is all natural so I don’t have to worry too much. I did tell her I was already taking medication, so she said we would watch my reaction to this ayurvedic medication and if I have any side effects we’d lower the dosage until I felt okay with it.

Nicole and I went to the beach today just to hang out. She bought a papaya fruit and we ate it on the beach, watched the waves, and read our books. The coolest part was that this young Indian college student who was dying to talk to us and teach us a little Malayalam (the language spoken here) talked to us for almost an hour and answered a ton of questions we had. So we learned some really useful things. Most important is that I learned that the website I found that had Malayalam phrases was incorrect. What they said was “goodbye” is actually “yesterday”. So I was saying “yesterday” to people. :) Namaskaram is used as a greeting, Veratte is used as a way of saying goodbye, Nanni means thank you. There were others, Nicole has the paper they were written on. She is going to make a copy for me to keep. It is so cool. Whenever we use these words, the people get such a kick out of it. They really love it. We chatted with the guy for a while and learned that he is 18 years old and already one year or two years into his bacholor’s. He told us he was in town for his aunt’s wedding and that it was an arranged marriage. He said that the custom is that the parents choose the guy, but the girl can say no. However, she cannot choose herself without her parents’ blessing. No one would marry them without the parents’ blessing. He said that here there is a phrase they live by (it is written on that paper, so I don’t have the words in front of me) that loosely translates into= parents, teachers, God. He said it means that parents and teachers are equal to God and should be revered and respected like a God. I said, Maybe I should move here and teach English!

Nicole and I went to the Ecology Shop here and I bought some beautiful smelling, organic, homemade bug repellent. So far, I think it is working. It stung like HELL on my neck because I didn’t realize that it got sunburned today at the beach. It’s not a bad sunburn, but enough to be sensitive to that oil.

We went back to the beach this evening. Deklin (sp?), the blind guy who plays the flute, drums, and sings for us, came with us. It was absolutely gorgeous! The sun was setting, the waves were crashing, the wind was blowing, and he was playing his flute. I thought to myself -- I’M IN INDIA!!!!! Then a young girl and her younger sister came along and started talking to me. We sang “twinkle, twinkle, little star” and she knew “One, two, buckle my shoe”. She taught us how to say beautiful in Malayalam. Again -- it is on that piece of paper and I don’t have it with me.

Most importantly, though, is that I’ve been talking to people about shaving my head. They’ve all said the same thing that I was saying in my last post -- my hair is already so short that it wouldn’t be that much different, and that it is very cleansing. I talked to a lady who has shaved her head for the treatment and she said it is so worth it. So, I’ve made my decision and I’m going to shave my head!!! Ahhhhhhh!!!!!!!!! :O

I want someone to video tape the process or take a picture of it happening, but I don’t know if they’ll let me, since I’m inside the ashram. The treatment is call Panchakarma, if you want to look it up on the internet. Pancha means 5 and Karma means action. So, if you read up on it, you’ll learn about the 5 different actions or treatments that are included. I don’t know too much about it myself. Luckily she said I don’t have to do the one that includes vomitting. There are some crazy restrictions with this treatment. I have to cover my head, avoid wind, fans, and mental activities like reading/writing (I don’t know if I can do that one). They also want me to avoid the beach, stay on the ashram premises, don’t go out in the sun, and don’t drink cold drinks. During some of the treatments they don’t even want me to shower! I want to take this whole thing seriously so that I get the maximum benefit, but at the same time, how can I stay away from the beach??? Honestly, that and the diet, will be the hardest things for me. Since this whole process is meant to purify and cleanse the body of toxins, they want a light, easy to digest diet. Of course all the foods on the “Foods to Completely Avoid” list are all the ones I LOVE to eat -- sugar, fried foods, tea, peanuts, potatoes, etc. Good news is that during this treatment, I’m not allowed to do seva. In other words, I get to be lazy.

Here at the ashram there are a lot of people who will say, when there is a coincidence, that Amma made it happen. For example, we were stuffing envelopes the other day (part of my seva) and two times in a row, we had the exact amount of books for the exact amount of envelopes. They said -- it was Amma. There are many other examples like this. Of course, I rolled me eyes at it and thought these people are really taking this too far. But.... (you knew that was coming, didn’t you?)... I have seen a lot of this happen since I’ve been here and it recently happended to me. I’ll explain, but first let me say that I totally realize that this is probably all just a matter of me paying more attention to coincidences and not that they are actually happening more often. Still, it is pretty neat that I looked in my spreadsheet that I use to keep track of my grant money. Jesus and I had used some of the money for personal reasons, knowing we’d have the money to replace it when I needed it. So, I was looking at it last night, because I worried about the expense of this Panchakarma treatment. It turns out that the exact amount that is owed back to my grant fund (minus what is set aside for taxes) is the exact amount that this doctor is charging. Most of you would say it was God’s work. I really think that is what they mean when they say it is Amma. I don’t know what it is, all I know is that it makes it all feel meant-to-be.

I’ve had some really interesting conversations about religion, philosophy, etc. with some of the people here. It turns out there is a really good reason why Hinduism reminds me of Catholisism. Many of the Caltholic rituals were adapted from the Hindus. For example the prayer beads and the Holy Trinity. I’m horrible at remembering these kinds of little facts, but I know there are three main Gods in the Hindu religion and these three correlate very closely, if not exactly, with the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost. Also they do this thing where they touch the floor, then touch their heads, and then their chests. This reminds me of the Catholics making the sign of the cross. Also, they have holy water and they have the mark they put on their heads (between the eyebrows) which is very similar to the cross that is placed on the Catholics foreheads on Ash Wednesday. Anyway, it’s interesting I think. I love that there are so many people here who have the same idea that I do -- which is that there are many paths (religions) to God and not one way is better or more correct than the other. The Hindi and the Buddhists believe that you don’t have to give up your way of worshipping God to join in on their ways of worshipping. In fact, the Dali Lama encourages you NOT to give up your way of worshipping, but to simply take what is useful to you from Buddhism and add it to your way. These religions are some, if not THE, oldest religions exsisting today. I’m not sure where we went wrong with all the newer ones. This inclusiveness, this way of accepting all ideas, THIS is what I think it is all about.

I haven’t told you all about the Eagle, have I? I call him/her Pizza, because that is her favorite food. She hangs around the dining hall (usually around lunchtime) and dive bombs your food if it is some type of bread -- and ESPECIALLY if it is pizza. She is beautiful. She is small for an Eagle and I don’t think she is considered a bald eagle, but she does have a white head and chest. The other day Nicole and Carol ordered and shared a pizza and I’m telling you, they could barely sit down with it before Pizza came swooping down, trying to steal it. They ended up having to eat it under the table!

So, I could go on and on about a bunch of other tiny little things that don’t really matter -- like my dirty nails, and hairy legs, but I think I’ve written enough for now.

Love you all and miss you!!

Post 4

2008-06-15T06:17:00.000-04:00

June 14th -- Wow, I just realized today is Saturday! There is no concept (that I can tell) of weekends here. So, it is weird to think it is the weekend. Anyway, I’ve had another great day. First, I got to wear my cool new punjabi shirt -- it is dark purple with red, yellow, orange, blue, and pink embroidery. In other words, it is colorful and beautiful. An indian woman stopped me today and complimented me on it. Then, I walked around and took pictures outside of the ashram of people and the beach. I can’t wait to post the pics for you guys. I tried to do it today when I was able to go to the internet cafe, but it wouldn’t accept it for some reason. I’ll have to play around and see what is going on. It might be something to do with using a mac and then trying to post on a different system. I don’t know. Next, of course, I was able to get on the internet!!! Then, Nicole and I walked over the bridge to a the nearby town so she could use the ATM and it had air-conditioning. I have never felt so relieved in my life. Then we saw these really cool fruits, “Jack Fruit” I think they are called, and it was delicious and SUPER sticky. I never would have tried it if it wasn’t for Nicole. It’s funny... she says that we meet people in our lives at certain times because they are meant to help us with something. It is certainly true in this situation. She has really helped me to realize a lot of things about myself and inspired me to become braver about things. Poor Jesus has been trying to get me to realize these things and be braver for a LONG time, but it is different when it is a female. I can identify with her, you know? She really has become a great friend to me in such a short time. She just stopped by to make sure I was okay because she saw me come out of the Ayurvedic Doctor’s office (which is what we did after the Jack Fruit). I had been crying when I was talking to the doctor. So, Nicole wanted to make sure I had someone to talk to if I needed it. We traded e-mail addresses and I gave her my blog web address. I really hope to keep in touch with her after she leaves. Good news is she has decided to stay longer to get a full week of Ayurvedic treatment. :)

So, the Ayurvedic Doctor is a female too, which is awesome. It makes it so much easier to talk to her about things. She has a very calming energy and immediately I felt this sense of “now I can finally let it all out” and so I rattled of my list of issues and then the tears came. She was so sweet. She held my hand, cupped my face, assured me everything would be okay, and told me to put all my worries at Amma’s feet. Which, of course, I take to mean -- let go of your worries. So, she wants to see me one more time I think before she starts treatment. Of course, her treatments are radical by our standards. But, there is a lot of research out there showing more and more the effectiveness of eastern medicine. I personally think the two combined make the best combination. The way I see it is I’ve tried the western way, now let me try the eastern way. I’ll take the best of both. The crazy part is that she wants me to shave my head! Now, I’ve always joked about shaving my head, but I don’t know if I could actually do it. I mean, I wouldn’t really care so much about having a shaved head (it’s not too far off from what I have now) but it’s all the stares I’d get and what people would say about me. She explained that there is a treatment that she does that includes oils on the scalp and other stuff that is supposed to stick to the scalp and that the hair keeps it from sticking, so I’d need to shave it. She did say that we don’t have to do that treatment. However... I can’t help but think symbolically. It would be like a new beginning for me. A new, fresh start -- not just for my hair, but for me and my state of mind, and my caring what people will think of me. I keep thinking about this episode of the Amazing Race where this woman has these beautiful long dreadlocks that she has been growing for years, but to get ahead in the race she has to shave her head. She does it and she looks beautiful and feels freer. I think they actually won the whole race too... I’m not sure. Now, I’m not delusional enough to think that I will look beautiful with a shaved head -- I just don’t have the features for that. Plus my skin is so bad it will just draw more attention to itself without hair to distract the eye. But I don’t know -- I think I might do it, as a kind of purifying act. I’m typing this on my laptop without internet connection, so I can’t look it up... but I think the quote on my blog says something about choosing the bolder path -- shaving my head SURE would be bold! I go back to her on Tuesday or Wednesday. She’ll want to know my answer by then. I’ve got some thinking to do.

Love you all and miss you!!!

Post 3

2008-06-14T01:22:00.000-04:00

June 13th -- I am exhausted! Today was a crazy full day, but it was so much fun. After breakfast and seva, Nicole asked me if I wanted to take a rickshaw with her to Kollam (which is about an hour away -- I thought the ashram was located in Kollam, but I guess not). Anyway, I agreed and we had a great time. I fell in love with all the fabrics and punjabi outfits I saw. I got a little carried away and picked out more things than I had money for -- so I thought, well that’s okay -- I’ll just use my Visa Debit Card and let Jesus know how much would be coming out of our account. Only one problem. I forgot to bring my Visa Debit Card!! Of course only I would do something so stupid. So the guy is determined to make this sale, so he takes us to the bank so I can exchange some traveler’s checks that I brought with me. Which is great, but the problem is I still don’t have enough to buy everything I had picked out. So, I decide that I’ll take some of it now and come back some other day to get the rest. The guy was super-duper sweet and helpful and understanding. He spent a lot of time on me and didn’t make the sale he was hoping for. So, I gave him a pretty nice tip. The funniest part was when we tried to fit 4 people (+1 driver) in a tiny rickshaw. Nicole had to sit on my lap. She was very patient with me as I decided what I wanted to buy (which is not easy to do when there are SOOOOOOOOO many beautiful fabrics) and when we had to make a special trip to the bank.

She’s now trying to convince me to take a 4 hour bus ride to Cochin with her before she has to leave at the end of the week. It sounds like it would be a lot of fun -- except for the bus ride, which would equal 8 hours total on a hot crowded bus with stinky, sweaty people (us included). I told her I’d have to think about that one.

I had some delicious food today. I cheated and bought food from the Western Cafe (as it is called). For breakfast I had an omelet sandwich (which really isn’t an omelet at all) and for dinner a soy burger and fries!!! YUMMY! I shared my french fries with Nicole and she shared her chocolate cupcake with me. :)

I didn’t take a nap today. Which means I am exhausted right now, so I’m going to bed.

I noticed that the internet cafe is back and running. The problem is that it was closed when I was able to use it. So, tomorrow I think I’ll be able to actually log and post all this stuff I’ve been writing.

Love you all and miss you!!!

Post 2

2008-06-14T01:21:00.000-04:00

June 12 -- I think, I don’t know anymore. I’m so discombobulated. I don’t even know the correct time back home anymore. I keep forgetting if it is 9.5 hours ahead or behind. I just tried calling Jesus (thinking he was home from work) and now that I’m on my laptop, I can see that he’s just getting ready to have lunch!! I’ll figure it out after awhile. I’m a slow learner.

I’m still have jet lag. Since this is only my second day, it makes sense. I made two dumb choices today. #1 -- I chose to walk with a friend to the nearby town in the middle of the day when it is sweltering hot!! #2 -- I chose to take a cold shower and nap after bad choice #1. So, now it is like 10:30 or 11:00p.m. and I’m wide awake. That is not helping me adjust to the time change. However, I heard from others that it takes at least 4 days to adjust and that they couldn’t help but take naps too.

One of the places we went to (before heading the nearby town) was the beach, which is very, very close to the ashram. On the beach there is an internet cafe. I stopped by, but she said their internet was out too. She said that someone was coming today to fix it. So, hopefully tomorrow (June 13, I think) I can go there and finally connect to the real world.

It is getting a little easier for me, but I feel very lonely when I am in my room alone. I think to myself, what am I doing here? But, I know what I’m doing here -- and it is exactly that feeling (and that idea) that I am here to work on. I need to be able to be alone with myself and depend on myself. I realize how much I depend on Jesus for my happiness. I feel like I’m missing this huge part of myself without him here. And even though that sounds extremely sweet and romantic, it is not healthy.

So, I’ve made a good friend here. Her name is Nicole and she is from Germany. She and I spend almost all of our time together. She is really a nice person. She gave me three green sparkly bangles just because I mentioned that I liked them. I also enjoy hanging out with her, because she did not come here for Amma either. We both have similar ideas about religion. So I feel feel more “comfy” with her. (She uses this word a lot.) For example, today I also met a lady from Poland named Vasurda (spelling? pronounced like the Spanish word -- basurda -- that’s how she told me to remember it.) Anyway, she is so kind and helpful. But, she has been here for two and a half years, explaining that the outside world is too harsh and she is a sensitive person. She worships Amma. I just don’t agree with this. #1 -- the whole idea, I thought, was to come here for guidance/practice/whatever so that you can better cope with the harsh real world, not to hide away from it. #2 -- no matter how amazing a person Amma is (and I believe is really is an extraordinary person) she is still human and therefore not to be worshipped or revered more than any other human being.

She is much braver than I am. She was bored at work one day, and started searching cheap airline tickets. She found a cheap one to Trivandrum and she bought it with no real knowledge of the place or anything. She stayed in a hotel in Trivandrum for about a week by herself, slowly getting to know the city before she came here. She suggests that spend some time in Trivandrum before I head home. I think I might do that. It is going to be difficult for me to do much shopping if I don’t. So, I might leave here a week or so early and stay in a hotel... we’ll see.

Well, I planned on trying to cut sugar out of my diet while I was here, but I don’t think that is going to happen. It’s just not realistic right now. I figure one thing at a time. First let me get a healthy meditation/yoga routine and then I’ll focus on my diet.

It is funny to me how much the rituals of the Hindu remind me of the rituals of the Catholic church. I can’t really explain it, but that was my impression today.

My seva today was chopping vegetables. I enjoyed doing this because I was able to meet and chat with some interesting people. There is a guy and his wife who are here who are from Mexico. They are real hippies, but very nice people. Then I met a girl from Kentucky. She is a Personal Trainer/ Yoga instructor/ and Thai masseuse. I pretty sure those vegetables were the ones they used to cook our dinner tonight. I’m starting to get tired of the food (and I know it is only the second day!!). It is always rice with some type of vegetable sauce. I could really use some meat, but I think most of this region is vegetarian. :(

I did have some coconut milk today. Nicole showed me where they sell them. There is a little house right outside of the ashram where they will cut just the top open for you. You drink the juice out and then they cut it in half and you scoop out all the meat and it eat it. They cut the outside of the coconut in such a way that it makes a scooper for you. It is pretty cool. The only problem is that I didn’t like the coconut milk. I think I remember my dad drinking the coconut milk and giving use the meat of it when we were kids, but I remember the milk being white. This was clear. The meat was VERY soft too -- gooey almost. I’m wondering if maybe they hadn’t ripened all the way. Ooh, that is outside the ashram, so I can take pictures of it!! I didn’t realize that we would be out and about today (so I don’t have pictures) but not to worry, I will get some for you.

In fact, today I broke the rules (don’t tell my students) and took pictures inside my room. Hopefully I’ll be able to post them for you.

Sorry that I’m writing so much! I just have so much time to think and I feel the need to get it out. I won’t be offended if you get tired and stop reading.

I love you all and miss you!!

Post 1

2008-06-14T01:17:00.000-04:00

I made it safe and sound to the Ashram. I am typing this up on my laptop and will post it later on my blog, because we currently don’t have any internet. Right now it is about 8:30 a.m. your time and about 6 p.m. my time. I just got my room all set up. Right now, I’m not sharing with anybody, but at any time, they could assign someone to be my roommate. I don’t know where they’ll fit, but I guess we’ll figure that out when the time comes.

Well, where do I start? I have so many stories to tell you. I’m going to make titles for each of the topics, so I don’t forget and I’ll fill them as I have time.

Crying

I really thought I would be able to say goodbye to Jesus without crying. I don’t know who I was trying to fool. I was flooded with SO MANY emotions at once, all I could was cry. Of course I felt nervous and a little scared. Of course I felt sad at having to leave Jesus for 6 weeks. But what really did me in was the overwhelming gratitude I felt at having the most understanding and selfless husband in the world. Not once did express jealousy over the fact that I was traveling without him. (It is a dream of ours to do a lot of traveling together.) Not once did show an ounce of resentment. His only focus was making sure I was prepared for this trip so I could enjoy it.

Food

I hate to admit it, but I think I was seduced by the airline food!! It was shockingly good and there was so MUCH! It seemed like every time I turned around they were feeding us. Every meal came with a main course, at least two-three sides, a bread roll, dessert, water, and then your choice of coffee or tea. Now, mind you that most this food was not pre-packaged like we are used to. Most of this food was served in actual dishes (plastic). Also, they came around with actual tea pots and coffee pots and poured your choice of drink for you. I really enjoyed the meals.

The People

Indians, from what I can tell, are not a patient people. I used to think that I was an impatient person, but compared to these people, I could be a model of patience. They don’t seem to have any special rules or courtesies for women, children, and the elderly. And they have no sense of what a line is or how it works. Most of them I have found are very friendly and helpful. Well, that is except for the younger women, who will stare and giggle at me. I really think that they think I am a Lesbian, what with my super short hair, pants, and non-dainty ways. At first, I thought I was imagining things (and that is still a possibility) but it seems a bit coincidental that all the young girls stare a little too long and start whispering to their friends. However, I remember being that age. All my friends and I did was make fun of people who didn’t look like, talk like, and behave just like us.

The Driving (a.k.a. The Suicide Attempting)

I tried to remain as calm as possible during the 3 hour taxi ride, which is hard to do. I’m not sure why they have lines dividing the roads into lanes -- they don’t pay attention to them. So far, this is my understanding of Indian driving: Pass up as many vehicles on the road as possible, as fast as you can. Feel free to pass on a curve. Honk to let the driver in front of you know that they are going too slow, that you are passing them, or just for the fun of it. Flash your headlights to let the on coming car know that if one of you doesn’t get out of the way fast, there will be a head-on collision. Then, get back into your lane at the last possible second, just to show you’re not chicken.

The Sights

India reminds me a lot of Mexico. As far as the poverty, living conditions, and what-not. The backwaters and ocean views are gorgeous. The crappy thing is that we are not allowed to take photos inside the ashram -- not even of the beautiful views!! (That is a very dumb rule in my humble opinion. I might have to break it on the last day I’m here.) There are coconut trees and banana plants everywhere you look. The waves crashing on the shore are pretty big and pretty dangerous I hear.

The Ashram

Interesting. That is the best I can explain it for now. I’m still learning all the rules and routines. Everyone is helpful and patient with me as I ask and re-ask questions. At first I thought I had no electricity in my room. I tracked down the electrical guys and they sent someone right away. Turns out there is a switch (outside of my room) that has to be turned on before the electricity will work. I don’t understand the purpose of this switch and I don’t like the idea of someone being able to turn off my power. There are people here from many different places. The ones I’m pretty sure of are Spain, France, and Poland. But, I’m sure there are many more. I’ve purchased my first ashram approved outfit. I figured I’m getting enough stares with the hair, I’ll at least make sure my clothes fit in. It is also recommended that you do this so as not to offend the very traditional community around the ashram (which come and visit throughout the day). Today and probably tomorrow, and plan to stay to myself and observe a lot. I don’t feel like participating in any of the activities yet and I have not visited the seva office. Turns out at this ashram, seva is an option. They ask that you volunteer 2 hours a day to some task. I saw a sign that said they were looking for English teachers at one of the grade schools that Amma has set up. I thought that sounded like fun. It might mean that I’ll get to leave the ashram on a regular basis, which I think I’m going to need to do to get through this 6 weeks. It’s funny. I’ve been thinking how the 6 weeks was going to fly by. But now that I’m here, and I feel each minute passing slowly by, I’m thinking... “Wow, SIX WEEKS at an ashram! What were you thinking?”

XOXOXOXOXOXO to all! Love you and miss you.

Take Off

2008-06-09T10:12:00.002-04:00

Well, in about 8 hours anyway. We leave for Chicago in 2. We're having lunch with Neil (Jesus' writer friend) and then off to O'Hare. I'm not sure when I'll be able to post again, due to wifi access or lack of.

I'm packed. I'll be lucky if they let me carry everything on board. I'm prepared though, if they make me check my bag. All my essentials will come on board with me.

Jesus has remained calm and a voice of reason for me, as I try to pack everything and anything. I, on the other hand, am doing good to keep from breaking down into a nervous wreck.

Breathe, Gloria, breathe.

1

2008-06-08T23:12:00.002-04:00

My family from Texas called one-right-after-the-other this evening to wish me well on my trip. It was very coincidental. It's like they were all thinking about me at the same time. Just as I was finishing up one conversation, the next one would beep in.

My dad... always my dad. He can't help himself, I guess. He wants his little girl to be safe, but he goes about it in the wrong way. After giving me some helpful reminders and wishing me a safe trip, he said, "Don't trust anyone! Don't even blink your eyes! You never know what people might do when they're poor and hungry. They might say, 'Hmmmm, look at her, she looks tasty, then chop you up and eat you." I could hear my mom in the background telling him something which I'm sure meant, STOP IT! You're not supposed to scare her!

Now, before you go freaking out and thinking that my dad is a little psychotic, let me explain. My dad likes to speak in analogies. For example, there is this oldies song called "Little Red Riding Hood" which, of course, is about a Big Bad Wolf who wants to get Little RRH. He would always remind me that there are lots of Big Bad Wolves out there and so I had to be on the look out. It was basically the same message. He doesn't really think there are cannibals in India. (Well, at least I hope he doesn't.)

Hmmm, you think I might be a little anxious (and therefore need this trip) because I was constantly reminded "Don't trust anyone"? ;-) I just have to smile. I love him, even though he's a bit of a freak.

I was VERY excited to hear my nephew (in Texas) say, "I love you Aunt Go-Go!" and "Have a nice trip!" Which really sounded like "I luv u gyo-gyo" and "trip"... but it still counts. It means a lot to me because I NEVER get to see him. Then my brother told me that he'll cry and beg for Aunt Go-Go. I guess the videos on our web gallery that I made for him were a big hit (well that is all but the one with the bug masks -- that just freaked him out). Apparently, he'll beg to see Aunt Go-Go again and again. I feel so special!!! Isn't it amazing that the adoration of a small child can make you feel so important?

Speaking of the web gallery, I will probably post all my pictures there as a storage place while I"m in India. I'll probably only post a few of them to my blog. If you're interested, feel free to browse. Right now there are a lot of photos from Mexico (and those goofy videos).

http://gallery.mac.com/losmoya1999

2

2008-06-07T19:35:00.002-04:00

The Bon Voyage Dinner at the Taj was very nice. I love it when family, friends, and good food all come together. It is a beautiful thing. I really appreciate everyone who was able to make time to come out tonight. Those who weren't able, I understand. But, you'll have to check out the food there if you haven't already. It's great. I have a picture of the dinner, and I'm trying to figure out how to post it on the blog. I want it embedded in the text. Normally I just highlight a pic from Google Images and then copy and paste. But this is my own image, and so I'm not sure how to do it. I'll figure something out.

I already have an adapter just for my laptop, but I need one for my phone and camera too. So, today I bought another adapter. But get this... apparently you need an adapter for this adapter! Have you ever heard of anything so redundant? I was not a happy camper. But, also I think I just didn't like the salesman who was pushing it on me. I think I probably allowed myself to be bullied into buying it. I just want to have what I need so I don't have to spend my precious India time running around looking for stuff. You know?

And just for fun, Jesus and I each bought a nano ipod. We've each bought cheaper no name brands of mp3 players before, but they've never lasted. And since we've become such big Mac fans, we thought -- why not?

Some people have asked me, "How is Jesus doing? Is he O.K. with you going to India for 6 weeks?" To answer that question, I won't be gone 24 hours before he's out with the guys for drinks. I think he'll be just fine. :)

I just received a confirmation on my taxi pick-up and I checked my flights last night and so far everything is still good to go. So, tomorrow is the last day for packing and goodbyes. Then, I'm off.....

3

2008-06-06T21:06:00.002-04:00

<----- Like the new pic? First let me say that I normally HATE taking pictures. I will almost certainly close my eyes (it is like a reflex -- somehow I feel safer with my eyes closed). But, now that I have a webcam built into my laptop and I know that no one is on the other side of that camera focusing all their attention on my face, taking pictures is different. I actually had fun playing around with the camera and posing today.

What else did I do today? Well, I thought I needed to add a little more stress and worry to my life before I left on this peace-seeking journey, so I went and turned in my resume for a Spanish teaching position at Stanley Clark. Now, the only reason they would hire me is if they are desperate, because they are keenly aware that I lack fluency in Spanish and my vocabulary isn't that strong. But, they did seem a little desperate and they seemed willing to work with me (like pay for classes to improve my Spanish).

So, if they offer the job to me, then I have a choice to make. Do I take pay-cut for a less stressful job that sounds like fun to me (and offers some money towards my masters)? Or, do I stick with my commitment to Muessel (where I am supposed to be team leader next year), keep the better pay, and learn to deal with the stress? I mean -- that is what this whole trip to India is supposed to be about, right?

**Sigh**

I did some last minute shopping for my trip. Just little travel sized things. I also withdrew my money today. I have my traveler's checks and some cash to take with me. All I have to do now, is just finish packing, confirm my flight and taxi, and I'm ready to go!!

4

2008-06-05T19:26:00.002-04:00

Guess who was in the paper today?

EAST INDIAN SPIRITUAL LEADER, 'THE HUGGING SAINT,' VISITS U.S.

is how the title read. I was unable to find a link on the SBT website. Perhaps because it comes from the California Times?? Anyway, Amma, the hugging saint, is on a North American tour. Pretty cool. Maybe one day I'll actually get to meet her. In the meantime, I'll just hang out at her Ashram for a few weeks.

Well, I watched my Anne McAlpin video today. She is some travel guru. She has all these tips on how to pack, what to pack, etc. My aunt bought the book with dvd for me along with a couple of her products; the security wallet (silk) that goes around my waist and a purse size bag with lots of pockets that can hold a towel/blanket/scarf/sarong (one piece of cloth that functions as all of those things). Pretty nifty.

Then, I checked AirIndia's regulations on baggage. I had to find a converter because Americans are the only people that I know of that don't use the metric system (except maybe the British). Just to find out that my carry-on (or as they call it "hand baggage") is too big. Nice thing is there is a detachable day pack on the front. If I remove that, it will meet the maximum allowed dimensions. The problem then is, how MANY carry-ons can I take. I didn't see any notice about it on line, so I e-mailed them. We'll see how quickly I get a response.

Something you've got to love about the Indian people is their use of the English language. I mean, I normally think of English as a blah kind of language. Spanish, Italian, French, those are the romantic languages. But when the Indian get a hold of it, they turn into something beautiful. For example, read the following out take from a description of their airline food:

"The exotic blend of herbs and spices, and the intricate preparatory methods, are all intended to let the aromas and flavors sink into the fare and your senses. Not only does the food smell or look gorgeous, it fires your appetite until you and your taste buds succumb to temptation. And the seduction is total! Efforts to resist indulgence often prove futile. But you will feel no remorse because such sublime and experiences are a step closer to spirituality."

I mean, come on. Have you ever heard anything so, so ... ridiculously romantic said about airline food?

5

2008-06-04T21:11:00.004-04:00

OK, I think we've finally settled. We are meeting at the Taj Indian Restaurant on Saturday, June 7th at 5:00 p.m. for my Bon Voyage Send Off. It is located at 508 W. McKinley Ave in the same shopping center as the K-mart on the corner of Grape Road.

Jesus and I will provide appetizers and pitchers of water, tea, or pop (sorry, no alcohol). You can come when you like for as long as you like. My guess is we'll be there from about 5:00-6:30 p.m. (7:00 p.m. at the latest). If you're interested in dinner, plates run about $10.00. My favorite, the Vegetarian Thali runs $12.95, but it is so much food, you could easily split it between two people. Please come, everyone is welcome. Just let me know if you plan on coming so we know how many to expect. Thanks!

Jesus and I actually ate there tonight for dinner and we did split the Vegetarian Thali. It was interesting that while I was eating/talking with Jesus I had an insight. I thought, "Maybe this is why I haven't gotten pregnant. God wanted me to take this journey and he/she/it knew I wouldn't do it if I was pregnant or had a baby."

I started packing today. Just a little at a time.

6

2008-06-03T18:34:00.002-04:00

I'm starting to feel like Suzy Homemaker. Just two days of laundry, dishes, cooking, cleaning, etc. and boom the transformation is complete. Of course I'm doing these things because they need to be done, but I was doing pretty good there at putting them off for as long as possible. Now that I I actually have the time and energy I don't mind doing it. It helps to imagine that I'm getting the house ready for Jesus so he is not so overwhelmed by things when I'm gone. When really, he'll probably keep the house in better order than I do (once I'm out of the way).

So other than being a lazy bum this morning and sleeping in until 10:45 a.m. and cleaning/organizing, I haven't done much else. I've been wondering how soon in advance I should start packing. I need to get a good idea of what I'm going to actually take and how much room I have to take it all. Inevitably there will be last minute things I'm going to want to shove in like Hand Wipes or something.

Oh, I did register/enroll for my fall class at IUSB. Time to start the Masters. Blah :p I am not looking forward to going back to papers and research and homework.

7

2008-06-02T19:15:00.002-04:00

I finally purchased the travel insurance for my trip. My travel agent (Sandra at TCU) was not very helpful. :( Neither was the Customer Service Representative at TravelSafe. :( But regardless of the rude non-helpful people I dealt with today, I still have my insurance. Whew! One more thing off my list.

So, I think I've mentioned before how I tend to lean on Jesus a lot. This is one of the reasons we decided he couldn't come to India. I need to do it all by myself. Anyway, I REALLY lean on him when it comes to technology. So today when we had some technical trouble with our phone line and internet I let him talk to the phone company. He had to leave for lunch before the problem was resolved, so I had to take care of it. And guess what?....

I did! I actually went outside, opened the phone service box, and re-wired the phone lines!! I'm such a big girl. ;)

8

2008-06-01T08:02:00.002-04:00

I just finished the India section of the book Eat, Pray, Love. What's funny is that I'm not so concerned with traveling on a plane halfway across the world or traveling in a taxi with a complete stranger for 3 hours through scarcely populated villages anymore. No, after reading that section again, now I am more concerned with traveling on my spiritual journey.

I know that everyone is different and so their spiritual travels will be different as well. So I can't go basing everything off of what Liz Gilbert writes. But I have already imagined that my physical and emotional cleansing would be extremely difficult for me. It is a scary experience to let go of everything that is familiar to you (no matter how poisonous it might be). I plan on letting go of my most comforting crutches: my husband, sugar, control (imagined and real), and fear. Hearing her account has got me focused more on preparing for my spiritual journey than on my physical journey.

I see this as a good thing. First of all, I didn't use the words "scared". This word used to pop up in every other sentence I spoke. And I'm not just using a different word -- I can honestly say, I am concerned and focused but not "scared". Second, there is little I can control when it comes to flying and riding in a taxi. I can only control what I think, feel, and do. So, isn't it better that I be focused on what I CAN control, than on what I WANT to control?

Hah! After writing that last sentence I realized that my whole life I have expected God to worry about my spiritual journey and let me take care of everything else. But now I think it is the other way around. I think God takes care of everything else so that we can focus on our own spirituality!

9

2008-05-31T21:05:00.002-04:00

I actually did some house cleaning today! To avoid more cleaning, we went to my brother-in-law's house most of the day and cooked out.

I tried searching the web again for travel insurance, but it just gave me a headache. I don't understand why my travel agent who booked my tickets didn't take care of this for me. She just handed me a bunch of brochures. I think I'll go see her on Monday and ask for help.

10

2008-05-30T22:07:00.003-04:00

Started re-reading the book that started all of this to begin with...
Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. I skipped to the India section. I find it very comforting to read about her experience. It was by no means perfect, it was hot and difficult, but in the end she learns a lot. Let's hope my experience turns out as well.

Reality Setting In

2008-05-29T22:03:00.002-04:00

I leave in 11 days... flying across the Atlantic Ocean for 6 weeks to India where I know no one!!!!

I can't wait!

Saying Goodbye

2008-05-28T21:41:00.002-04:00

Since I started teaching, this is the first year I have really been sad to say goodbye to my class. I know that sounds awful, and it is not because this group was better someone than the others. I think it really had to do with my mind set this year, how hard I worked to make a connection with each student, and the fact that we didn't switch the students around as much this year as we have in the past.

I didn't cry, though I could have if I let myself. I did give each student their own personal goodbye. One at a time I told them how special they are or what I enjoyed about them, gave them each a big hug, kiss on the forehead, told them, "I'll miss you and I love you," and reminded them all to READ over the summer. Well, all but my Mr. Macho -- he is too cool for all that mushy stuff.

My Students Cried Today

2008-05-22T21:06:00.002-04:00

We read the last two chapters of Where the Red Fern Grows today and I got the reaction I was looking for... they cried their eyes out!

In our school, we have so many incentives for kids to read lots of books. The problem with this is that the students are learning to read for prizes and recognition and not for the joy of it. The other problem is that they don't even know that there is joy in reading. It's not modeled for them at home and at school it is all about learning bigger words. So my goal this year has been to get my students to connect to a book on an emotional level. Mission accomplished!!

I have to be one of the happiest teachers in the world right now. I had a student clutching the book to her chest because she didn't want to let it go, another who was still crying on her way down to lunch, and when one girl asked if she could keep the copy she had been reading (and I explained that I couldn't give them away) a boy offered to copy the story by hand so he could take it home.

I received these books as a donation from www.donorschoose.org, a wonderful organization that allows donors to choose which projects they'd like to fund. The title of my proposal was, "Enough to make the cry". I wasn't sure if they actually would cry or not -- you know inner city kids connecting to a hillbilly -- but the unconditional love of a good dog is a universal message.

Headaches

2008-05-19T21:55:00.003-04:00

I've been getting these horrible headaches almost everyday the last couple of weeks. They usually start in the afternoon and last for a hours (even after I take Aleve). I know it is mainly to do with clenching my jaw at night, but I've done this for years. Why am I now having such bad headaches so regularly? And why are they suddenly resistant to the pain reliever that I've always relied on?

They wear me out and make me really grouchy!

According to the Quotes...

2008-05-15T07:15:00.003-04:00

According to the quotes I found, all I need to do is focus on the good and relax! So let's see...

It's the end of the school year!!! :)
Summer is starting very soon!!! :)
I don't have to deal with knucklehead kids all day long!!! :)
I'm taking a road trip to Kentucky and visiting with friends!! :)
I'm traveling to Lafayette for Memorial Day weekend!! :)
Someone else is cooking out and cleaning up the Memorial Day cookout!! :)
I'm going on the trip of a lifetime!!! :)
I get to go shopping to prepare for this trip of a lifetime!!! :)
I get a 6 week long break from house cleaning!! :)
I get a 6 week long break from yard work!!! :)
I get a 6 week long break from my husband!!! :) and :( but I'm only supposed to focus on the good, so :)
I won't be cold in India like I have been here in Indiana!! :)
I will get to meditate and do yoga and eat right for 6 whole weeks!!! :)

Now it's time to relax... but I have to get to work.... maybe later.....

Panic Button

2008-05-14T21:10:00.003-04:00

End of the school year...
Report Cards...
Packing up my classroom...
Packing for my trip...
Helping my friends pack their house and move to Kentucky...
Going to Kentucky and helping them unpack their house...
Visiting family for Memorial Day Weekend...
Having a Bon Voyage party...
Attending a 2-day meeting/conference...
Getting last of shots...
Two different doctors appointments...
Double checking that I have EVERYTHING I need...

AND ALL BEFORE JUNE 9TH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Malayalam

2008-05-12T21:55:00.001-04:00

Malayalam is the commonly spoken language in Kerala (although English is widely spoken). Visit this website to hear common phrases in the Malayalam language.

http://www.jaimalayalam.com/vegam_vegam_malayalam.htm

Unhappy Childless Day

2008-05-11T22:40:00.002-04:00

It's not that I'm being selfish -- I didn't realize it was happening until I had to hold back the tears. But I get really angry and jealous on Mother's Day. It didn't help that I watched Juno tonight for the first time.

After I said, "Happy Mother's Day" to my sister-in-law as we were leaving her house she automatically said, "Happy Mother's Day to you" and then immediately apologized.

I had a lady at Martin's who was handing out free samples of food tell me "Happy Mother's Day" and I didn't correct her.

My other sister-in-law put up a Happy Mother's Day wish on the family website and then included all women because we all "mother" somebody. Which was a sweet sentiment. She was trying.

I guess this is what it feels like for the romantics who don't have anyone to love (or to love them back) on Valentine's Day.

The List, Continued

2008-05-05T14:24:00.002-04:00

DONE **Get the money (on its way to me now)
DONE**Get luggage (looking for something that converts into a backpack)
DONE**Buy tickets (looking for as few stops as possible--I hear changing flights there is hell)
4. Confirm taxi to Ashram
5. Get travelers checks
DONE**Get outlet converter

DONE**Get camera
DONE**Get laptop
9. Get comfortable/cool shoes
10. Look into international phone plan or skype.com for communication
DONE**Get shots (I have an appt. will cost almost $200)
DONE**Look into student loan repayment (because I want to enjoy my trip and not worry about this while I'm meditating)
DONE** Look into starting my masters in the fall (for the same reason as above)
14. Pack.

To Be Continued.....

Students' Comments on My Teaching

2008-05-02T17:24:00.003-04:00

So, on the front of my "Teacher Report Card" I ask the students/parents to give me a grade in several areas dealing with instruction, organization, and temperament. I asked them to write comments on the back explaining why they gave me those grades. Here are a few:

"Sometimes I wish you will listen better to me."

"Mrs. M forgets a lot."

"Mrs. M dresses great!"

"Mrs. M don't give us a lot of time to work on stuff."

"You know you get nothing but the best grade from me cause you is one teacher I can really say care. Keep up the good work Mrs. M."

"On 'answer questions' I gave you a 'C' because sometimes you say you don't know and say 'Go
to the library and see'."

"Why I gave you a 'C' because you are not always energetic."

"I picked all those grades because you treat everyone equally and gives test fair."

"I gave you five 'A's cause you do come back to our questions, you do accept corrections from students, you do control your emotions, you helped me solve problems when I had a lot of punches from Mr. S and you got a good sense of humor, and you can be trusted."

"[My daughter] speaks very highly of Mrs. M. She likes her a lot and feels that she treats her very well. I've talked to her and she seemed to be a pleasant teacher that is really concerned. Some questions I couldn't answer because I'm not there, but I see a better difference in my child and she's happy."

And my favorite... "I gave you a 'C' on energetic because sommetimes you be lazy." :)

Random Thoughts

2008-04-30T18:00:00.003-04:00

This is the first year that I have not gleefully counted down the days to the end of the school year. I'm actually going to miss these guys.

I sent home a "Teacher's Report Card" the other day and got some great responses. Kids are so honest! I told them that they didn't need to put their names on them (so they wouldn't be afraid of giving me an F on something) but a lot of them chose to put their names on it anyway. I asked them to explain why they gave the grades they gave me on the back. I don't have them in front of me right now, but some of the responses were hilarious and some were really touching. I'll have to post them later.

I've found a travel agent that I think I can trust and will hopefully have everything ready to go here soon.

Anybody notice how dry the air has gotten again? As soon as it gets nippy out, my skin feels instantly dryer. I'm tired of cold. I want HEAT!!! (I guess the southwestern coast of India is the place for me then, isn't it?)

Also, I haven't been sleeping as deeply as I normally do and my jaw is so sore from clenching my jaw all night. (Again, good thing I'm going to India!) Hopefully all that meditating will help me relax enough to sleep soundly without clenching my jaw.

Change -- everything changes (that's inevitable)... but it often feels like these changes are out of our control. Doesn't is seem that it is harder when we attempt to change our own behaviors as opposed to just adjusting to change that has been forced on us. What's up with that?

Fear -- notice how much it controls us? We wear our seat belts out of fear of being throw from our cars or getting a ticket... we are nice to assholes out of fear of being fired or slapped... we maintain unhealthy relationships for a whole bunch of fears (too many to name). The media and the government like to use it too, but the truth is we all like to use it. Why? Because it is extremely effective. "If you make ugly faces your face will get stuck like that." "If you don't want to be short like me, you'll eat all your vegetables." Remember hearing those kinds of threats as a kid.

Then there are fears that we create for ourselves. Like spiders and needles. I'm terrified of them both. Or my ultimate fear -- an unfaithful spouse. But where do these come from? I have no good reason to fear any of these things and yet even the thought of these things can shake me to my core.

Pets -- Are we really doing them a favor by keeping them? We have two dogs and some fish and sometimes I just want to let them go. I hate seeing the fish swim back and forth in the small tank with no where to go or watching my dogs, so desperate for a chance to catch the darn squirrel on the other side of the fence. I mean, we are doing to them what we have done for ourselves -- creating a safer more secure environment but living a pretty boring life in the process.

Man, who invited Debbie Downer to my blog? :)

My Poetry

2008-04-19T11:02:00.008-04:00

Thanks Kurran! You got me thinking about when I used to write and I'm thinking I might feel brave enough (you know, now that I can get three shots and not faint) to share some of my poetry. Mind you, I wrote these like 10 years ago. I'll put an * next to the titles that were published in our little San Jacinto College publication called Chrysalis.

Waiting Womb
She wobbles in
out of breath
swollen belly
three children follow.
Plops down next to me
children at my feet
laughingplaying
I don't feel like laughing
feel only pain--
cramping from uterus to knees
it burns.
Air is tight
like her stomach,
their laughter
thick and sticky
like my blood.

The Narrow Path
the bay shines,
reflecting the light
of the moon.
yet the only light I see
reflected, is the narrow path,
directly in front of me --
yellow water leading
to the moon.

Exposure
Thoughts seek shelter in shadows
in the arid attic of my mind,
like the roll of undeveloped
film, full of flat images
finds refuge in the dry dark
at the bottom of my bag.
Both attempt to avoid
the sting of tears or
chemicals that come with
exposure to the light.

*Freedom
Up here I see
cranes fly,
rising from the
blue flooded bayou,
water on their white wings,
like wings of angels,
carrying away my
blue tears.

How I long to soar,
to leave my bayou behind,
but my wings are clipped.
Yet, I endure for sights
such as these --
cranes flying free
tempting me to test
my own wings,
dwarfed and dusty,
to spread them --
jump.

*In the Woods of East Texas
the leaves fall like snowflakes
pile on the ground
touched by sunlight
setting the forest on fire
pine needles hang like icicles
without the heaviness of winter

i no longer yearn for snow,
white and pure as angels--
give me fire.

Ecstasy
I couldn't stop,
or didn't want to.
The point is I hit it,
and the temptation to look
pulled me from my car.
The expression on its face
was ecstasy.
Its thankful eyes
looked up at me
as blood oozed from its body
like the tears from my eyes.
I looked at its soft organs
finally released from that
protective barrier of skin
that held it all in
so tight.
I envied this animal
for this bursting, this bliss.

*Molting
The sun rises and
a woman slips into
her appropriate attire.
She pulls on her bra,
strapping herself in --
breasts restricted,
constrained.
Pantyhose cling tight
shortening her stride--
the thick nylon web
holding in her desires.
Her thighs rub together;
her passions build,
creating a heat that
smolders.
High heels pinch her toes,
her feet cramp.
She reminds herself
she will arrive home
with the sunset
at last able to shed
her day.

Mi Abuelita
Her eyes,
heavy with suffering
blue like seas
that flood her and drown the ache

Her skin,
wrinkled and water-logged
brown like sand
beneath waves
of sweat and tears

Her hands,
drenched with soft strength
labored pink
with the power
to part waters.

The Pink in a Flame
The rain ceases and
the northern sky burns blue,
like the eyes of a newborn.

In the southern sky the
clouds sit, piles of ash,
gray as aging skin.

Somewhere between these
two skies
I find a flaming glow,
pink --
the quarrel of doves and demons.

Hit Me with your Best SHOT!

2008-04-18T17:10:00.004-04:00

I'm terrified of shots... actually, I'm terrified of needles in general. It goes way back. Apparently I would faint from the fear even as a baby! Believe it or not, a few years back, I even fainted at the eye doctor (you know when they stick that thing really close to your eye and blow air on it). As a child I quickly developed the ability to let the nurses know when I was going to faint a good ten seconds or more in advance so they could prepare. Sometimes I do better than others. Maybe I'm learning how to handle the fear.

So you can see why today, when I got my shots for my trip to India (THREE shots -- two in one arm and one in the other) and I didn't faint, I felt like strutting down the street singing, "Hit me with your best shot! Fire away!"

(Of course, I don't mean a word of it -- I will still avoid shots if I can!)

A Different World

2008-04-16T20:19:00.003-04:00

In many ways, Mexico is to me like another world...
A world where the people always have energy to do what needs to be done.
A world where food and family are more important than money and materials things.
Where they are not afraid of colors.
Where hanging out in the plaza is the thing to do after school or work.
People outside.
Dogs running loose.
Mothers and babies.
And SUN.

I miss it already.

Check out these photos!

2008-04-15T20:01:00.001-04:00

http://gallery.mac.com/losmoya1999

Mexico

2008-04-13T18:37:00.003-04:00

Ya llegamos. Fuimos a Mexico para visitar el abuelo de Jesus. Me gusto mucho ser alla. Necesitamos regresar porque hay mas cosas que queremos hacer y lugares donde queremos ir. Voy a poner las picturas que sacamos en mi blog, pero horita no. Somos muy cansados.

Spring Into the New Year

2008-03-31T20:54:00.000-04:00

There is a poem in the Basal Reader we use in 3rd grade, I think it is called "I'm in charge of celebrations." The poet writes about how she doesn't wait for a calendar or holiday to tell her what to celebrate, she gets her cues from nature and celebrates the new year in the spring. I love this idea. Jesus and I have always talked about how we are more motivated to make changes or "new resolutions" in the Spring than in January. I think it has something to do with our basic nature. After all, we are animals and we are just as affected by nature's patterns as any other animal.

Speaking of Spring...the showers are here, now I'm just waiting for the SUN!

www.acomplaintfreeworld.com

2008-03-23T12:19:00.000-04:00

Of all the complainers out there, I am slowly becoming one of the best! As a teacher, feeling overwhelmed by the non-stop demands, it is EASY (so-so-so easy) to slip into complaint mode. So, when I woke up this morning to the Sunday Morning Show playing on CBS and heard Bill Geist's voice and something about a complaint-free world, I sat up and paid attention. The segment was ending, so I went on line and this is what I found.

BILL GEIST: Complaint-Free Living
This is a story you definitely can’t complain about. Rev. Will Bowen has created a program to help people stop complaining. It involves wearing a purple rubber bracelet around your wrist. So far, he’s distributed nearly five million of these purple bracelets from the basement of his Kansas City church. It’s all part of his campaign to create a complaint-free world. Bill Geist has no complaints when he visits the church where the 11th commandment might just be “Thou shalt not whine.”

www.acomplaintfreeworld.org
Reverend Bowen is the Minister at Christ Church Unity in Kansas City, Mo.

I think I'll give it a try.

I Think I Finally Get It

2008-03-21T10:12:00.000-04:00

"What can we know? What are we all? Poor silly half-brained things peering out at the infinite, with the aspirations of angels and the instincts of beasts."
----Sir Arthur Conan Doyle

I've tried Christianity before, but it just never worked for me. It wasn't what I was looking for. However, I recognize that like most humans, I need a spiritual connection... hence the India trip.

So, I understand the need for that spiritual connection, what I have never been able to understand was this whole focus on original sin and the Garden of Eden and God being perfect and heaven and hell....and so on.

Last night Jesus and I watched "The Bank Job" at the movie theater. This movie, in light of Eliot Spitzer and all the other men/women of power who project an image of "holiness" but are in fact far from it, plus some recent news I have received of local people I know and their "sins", has opened my eyes to this need to have something or someone to look up to.

The movie is based on a true story of a bank robbery (of safe deposit boxes) in London that ends up revealing some very ugly secrets about some very important people. These important people will stop at nothing to keep these secrets or "sins" hidden.

I have always had a tendency to put people I respect up on a pedestal and then being totally horrified when I discover that they have no business being up there. I have always liked believing that there are these amazing people out there that I can model myself after. Jesus has never had that problem. At least, not that I can tell. After the movie he said, "We can admire certain characteristics that a person might have, but not 'worship' the person [or put them on a pedestal]." And that is when the following conversation took place in my head...

Me: Well then, who are we supposed to look up to?

Voice in my head: Why do you need someone to look up to?

M: I don't know, I just have always been looking for someone.

VIMH: That's why people turn to God. He is the only one you can look up to, everyone else is human and therefore flawed.

M: Ok, but like you said, "Why do I need someone to look up to?"

VIMH: Why do you need spirituality?

M: I don't know. I just feel like all the little mundane things of life sap all my energy, and giving it all meaning and purpose gives me energy to do all again tomorrow.

VIMH: So, why do you need someone to look up to?

M: [After a Loooooooong pause to think] Well, I've always said that adults are just big kids, I truly don't think there is much difference other than we are better liars and we fidget less (well some of us anyway). So, I guess just like a child needs parents to model themselves after, I am looking for someone to model myself after. Still, I'm left with the question, "Why do humans have this need to look up to someone who is morally better than they are?"

VIMH: Have you been able to answer the question, "Why do humans feel the need to make meaning of their lives?"

M: No.

VIMH: Yet you have given yourself permission to go after that meaning, without truly understanding it, true?

M: Yes.

VIMH: Then why not go after God without understanding it?

M: Good question. I don't know.

VIMH: Maybe you should watch Joseph Campbell's The Power of Myth again.

M: Good idea.

The List

2008-03-20T16:50:00.000-04:00

DONE **Get the money (on its way to me now)
DONE**Get luggage (looking for something that converts into a backpack)
3. Buy tickets (looking for as few stops as possible--I hear changing flights there is hell)
4. Confirm taxi to Ashram
5. Get travelers checks
DONE**Get outlet converter

DONE**Get camera
DONE**Get laptop
9. Get comfortable/cool shoes
10. Look into international phone plan or skype.com for communication
11. Get shots (I have an appt. will cost almost $200)
DONE**Look into student loan repayment (because I want to enjoy my trip and not worry about this while I'm meditating)
13. Look into starting my masters in the fall (for the same reason as above)

To Be Continued.....

Other Stuff

2008-03-16T11:43:00.000-04:00

My first thought was that I would only post about India on my blog until I got back. I wanted there to be a nice flow of information and I didn't want it interrupted by my random thoughts. But, I can't do it. Now that I have this as an outlet I'm addicted. Or, maybe it is just an excuse so I don't have to start cleaning my dirty house.

Which is my first ramble. Currently there is dust and dog hair on just about everything, and Marley has so kindly scattered old dried leaves from the fall (that we never raked up) all over our floors. There is sunshine pouring through all the windows (FINALLY!!!) and music playing. Usually that is enough to get me into the spring cleaning mode, but not today.

It is amazing what we can get used to. The house in this state would have bothered me to no end a few years ago, but now....Eh, it'll be there for me to clean later. Sometimes I wonder if there is something wrong with me. Why don't I behave more like most women. Or do I, but we're all so good at living a lie. For example, I will rush to try to clean up (a little) if I know family is stopping by and (a lot) if friends are coming over. But, if it is just me and Jesus and the dogs, I'm just not that motivated. I guess the mess doesn't bother me as much as the judgment from others.

My next ramble is all about bees. Do you have any idea how amazing these creatures are? I am constantly amazed at what I learn about them. In third grade we study the life cycle of flowering plants. As a natural extension of that we have to mention bees and their roll in pollination. This year we received an amazing bee video from the school corporation to share with the kids and I found a real beekeeper who agreed to come out to our school and talk to our students about bees. He even brought in real bees. They were in a secure and clear box (no need to worry). I think the other teacher and I asked more questions than the students did. Let me share some fascinating facts.

1. Female bees get no help or pampering, they work from the moment they are born to the moment they die.

2. Male bees get helped out from their cell upon hatching and are immediately fed by the females.

3. The Queen is only the queen because from the moment she was laid as a larva, and for the rest of her life, she receives a constant diet of Royal Jelly which is high in protein.

4. The Worker Bees (females) will do a dance to tell the others where the flowers are.

5. Royal Jelly is made by glands near the head of the worker bees.

6. Wax is produced from glands around their abdomens and is kneaded and chewed until it is pliable.

7. Bees have two stomachs. One is for digestion and the other is to store the nectar they are carrying to the hive.

8. The nectar mixes with enzymes in the bees stomach (helping to change it to honey) and then when they arrive at the hive there are bees waiting to suck this from their stomachs into their stomachs where is mixed with more enzymes and then spit up into the honeycomb cells for storage.

9. The cells are perfect hexagons.

10. For this nectar/enzyme mixture to turn into honey, it has to have the right amount of moisture too much or too little will ruin it. To maintain the correct amount of humidity, there are bees that stand at the edges of the hive and fan it with their wings. Once the honey is ready, the cell is sealed with wax for storage for the winter months.

There's tons more, but I think you get the idea. These are complex and amazing creatures who deserve our utmost respect. Without them we wouldn't have any fruits or vegetables. Worst of all, we wouldn't have honey. Which by the way (if it is not tampered with) will NEVER spoil.

FAQs

2008-03-10T19:34:00.000-04:00

When is it possible to visit Amritapuri?

Everyone is welcome to come and stay at the ashram at any time, and take part in the daily activities. If possible, kindly confirm your arrival date in advance by sending an email addressed to stay@amritapuri.org for Indian visitors, or international@amritapuri.org for foreign visitors.

Simple accommodations are provided in flats with private bathrooms. You may be asked to share a flat with other visitors. Accommodation includes simple, Indian-style ashram meals. Non-spicy, Western-style food is available for an additional cost.

What is the daily routine of the residents at Amritapuri?

See the Ashram schedule in the menu.

How do I get to Amritapuri?

Click here for directions to Amritapuri by air plane, bus and taxi.

What should I bring?

Most of the basic necessities, e.g. sheets, pillows, mattresses and buckets are provided by the ashram. You may, however, wish to bring a small inflatable mattress for travelling with Amma in India. It may be helpful to bring vitamins and protein supplements, and any medicines that you may need. Other items such as clothing, shoes, toiletries, dishes, detergent, etc. can be purchased at the ashram.

What services are available at Amritapuri?

Bank*
Internet access
Telephone and fax facilities
Libraries: for children and adults**
Medical Clinics: allopathic*** and ayurvedic (including panchakarma treatment)
Photocopying
Shops: basic needs and gift items
Laundry Service
Tailoring service
Travel Desk (purchase/confirm flight tickets)

*It is best to bring traveller's checks, as they are safer than cash. A bank is located on the premises. There you can change foreign currency, get cash advances on Master and Visa cards, and wire money.

**The Main Ashram Library has a collection of more than 5,000 books. The Children's Library contains spiritual and educational materials for children. Play areas are limited, however. Parents are encouraged to bring their children's favourite toys.

***For medical needs the Amritakripa Charitable Hospital is located on the south side of the Ashram. In addition we have an Ayurvedic clinic that also offers an extensive Panchakarma treatment.

What is Amma's darshan schedule?

Amma holds public darshan on Wednesdays, Thursdays, Saturdays and Sundays.

What facilities are there at Amritapuri for young children?

Amritapuri has an extensive Children's Library with spiritual and educational materials for children. Play areas are limited, however. Parents are encouraged to bring their child's favourite toys when coming.

Are there any other special items that I should bring for my child?

It may be necessary to provide powdered protein supplements for your child, to be taken in addition to the foods that are served in the Canteen. It is also a good idea to bring vitamins, or any Western medicines that your child may need as these are difficult to find in India.

When is Amma at the ashram?

Whenever Amma is not on tour, She gives darshan at Her Amritapuri ashram. It is always a good idea to check Amma's tour schedule immediately before planning a trip to Amritapuri, as Her travel dates are subject to change. Click here to see Amma's current schedule.