Random Thoughts

This is the first year that I have not gleefully counted down the days to the end of the school year. I'm actually going to miss these guys.

I sent home a "Teacher's Report Card" the other day and got some great responses. Kids are so honest! I told them that they didn't need to put their names on them (so they wouldn't be afraid of giving me an F on something) but a lot of them chose to put their names on it anyway. I asked them to explain why they gave the grades they gave me on the back. I don't have them in front of me right now, but some of the responses were hilarious and some were really touching. I'll have to post them later.

I've found a travel agent that I think I can trust and will hopefully have everything ready to go here soon.

Anybody notice how dry the air has gotten again? As soon as it gets nippy out, my skin feels instantly dryer. I'm tired of cold. I want HEAT!!! (I guess the southwestern coast of India is the place for me then, isn't it?)

Also, I haven't been sleeping as deeply as I normally do and my jaw is so sore from clenching my jaw all night. (Again, good thing I'm going to India!) Hopefully all that meditating will help me relax enough to sleep soundly without clenching my jaw.

Change -- everything changes (that's inevitable)... but it often feels like these changes are out of our control. Doesn't is seem that it is harder when we attempt to change our own behaviors as opposed to just adjusting to change that has been forced on us. What's up with that?

Fear -- notice how much it controls us? We wear our seat belts out of fear of being throw from our cars or getting a ticket... we are nice to assholes out of fear of being fired or slapped... we maintain unhealthy relationships for a whole bunch of fears (too many to name). The media and the government like to use it too, but the truth is we all like to use it. Why? Because it is extremely effective. "If you make ugly faces your face will get stuck like that." "If you don't want to be short like me, you'll eat all your vegetables." Remember hearing those kinds of threats as a kid.

Then there are fears that we create for ourselves. Like spiders and needles. I'm terrified of them both. Or my ultimate fear -- an unfaithful spouse. But where do these come from? I have no good reason to fear any of these things and yet even the thought of these things can shake me to my core.

Pets -- Are we really doing them a favor by keeping them? We have two dogs and some fish and sometimes I just want to let them go. I hate seeing the fish swim back and forth in the small tank with no where to go or watching my dogs, so desperate for a chance to catch the darn squirrel on the other side of the fence. I mean, we are doing to them what we have done for ourselves -- creating a safer more secure environment but living a pretty boring life in the process.

Man, who invited Debbie Downer to my blog? :)

My Poetry

Thanks Kurran! You got me thinking about when I used to write and I'm thinking I might feel brave enough (you know, now that I can get three shots and not faint) to share some of my poetry. Mind you, I wrote these like 10 years ago. I'll put an * next to the titles that were published in our little San Jacinto College publication called Chrysalis.

Waiting Womb
She wobbles in
out of breath
swollen belly
three children follow.
Plops down next to me
children at my feet
laughingplaying
I don't feel like laughing
feel only pain--
cramping from uterus to knees
it burns.
Air is tight
like her stomach,
their laughter
thick and sticky
like my blood.


The Narrow Path
the bay shines,
reflecting the light
of the moon.
yet the only light I see
reflected, is the narrow path,
directly in front of me --
yellow water leading
to the moon.


Exposure
Thoughts seek shelter in shadows
in the arid attic of my mind,
like the roll of undeveloped
film, full of flat images
finds refuge in the dry dark
at the bottom of my bag.
Both attempt to avoid
the sting of tears or
chemicals that come with
exposure to the light.


*Freedom
Up here I see
cranes fly,
rising from the
blue flooded bayou,
water on their white wings,
like wings of angels,
carrying away my
blue tears.

How I long to soar,
to leave my bayou behind,
but my wings are clipped.
Yet, I endure for sights
such as these --
cranes flying free
tempting me to test
my own wings,
dwarfed and dusty,
to spread them --
jump.



*In the Woods of East Texas
the leaves fall like snowflakes
pile on the ground
touched by sunlight
setting the forest on fire
pine needles hang like icicles
without the heaviness of winter

i no longer yearn for snow,
white and pure as angels--
give me fire.


Ecstasy
I couldn't stop,
or didn't want to.
The point is I hit it,
and the temptation to look
pulled me from my car.
The expression on its face
was ecstasy.
Its thankful eyes
looked up at me
as blood oozed from its body
like the tears from my eyes.
I looked at its soft organs
finally released from that
protective barrier of skin
that held it all in
so tight.
I envied this animal
for this bursting, this bliss.


*Molting
The sun rises and
a woman slips into
her appropriate attire.
She pulls on her bra,
strapping herself in --
breasts restricted,
constrained.
Pantyhose cling tight
shortening her stride--
the thick nylon web
holding in her desires.
Her thighs rub together;
her passions build,
creating a heat that
smolders.
High heels pinch her toes,
her feet cramp.
She reminds herself
she will arrive home
with the sunset
at last able to shed
her day.

Mi Abuelita
Her eyes,
heavy with suffering
blue like seas
that flood her and drown the ache

Her skin,
wrinkled and water-logged
brown like sand
beneath waves
of sweat and tears

Her hands,
drenched with soft strength
labored pink
with the power
to part waters.


The Pink in a Flame
The rain ceases and
the northern sky burns blue,
like the eyes of a newborn.

In the southern sky the
clouds sit, piles of ash,
gray as aging skin.

Somewhere between these
two skies
I find a flaming glow,
pink --
the quarrel of doves and demons.

Hit Me with your Best SHOT!

I'm terrified of shots... actually, I'm terrified of needles in general. It goes way back. Apparently I would faint from the fear even as a baby! Believe it or not, a few years back, I even fainted at the eye doctor (you know when they stick that thing really close to your eye and blow air on it). As a child I quickly developed the ability to let the nurses know when I was going to faint a good ten seconds or more in advance so they could prepare. Sometimes I do better than others. Maybe I'm learning how to handle the fear.

So you can see why today, when I got my shots for my trip to India (THREE shots -- two in one arm and one in the other) and I didn't faint, I felt like strutting down the street singing, "Hit me with your best shot! Fire away!"

(Of course, I don't mean a word of it -- I will still avoid shots if I can!)

A Different World

In many ways, Mexico is to me like another world...
A world where the people always have energy to do what needs to be done.
A world where food and family are more important than money and materials things.
Where they are not afraid of colors.
Where hanging out in the plaza is the thing to do after school or work.
People outside.
Dogs running loose.
Mothers and babies.
And SUN.

I miss it already.

Check out these photos!

http://gallery.mac.com/losmoya1999

Mexico

Ya llegamos. Fuimos a Mexico para visitar el abuelo de Jesus. Me gusto mucho ser alla. Necesitamos regresar porque hay mas cosas que queremos hacer y lugares donde queremos ir. Voy a poner las picturas que sacamos en mi blog, pero horita no. Somos muy cansados.