Post 22

July 28--

It was totally unexpected, but I got Darshan from Amma today. I was reading in my room, waiting to hear the three bells that indicate Amma is coming to the temple. I rushed down, eager to finally get a good look at this lady. I found a seat almost directly in line with where she would be sitting, but I was several rows back. First we all meditated together. Any prayer or meditation usually starts with chanting the word "Om" three times. It was so powerful today. The temple was pretty full and everyone was so excited that you could feel the vibrations all over your body. Then Amma talked about the recent bombings in India and talked about the recent threat to Kerala. She said death is nothing to be afraid of, it is like seeing a long lost friend again. She was smiling/laughing/giggling during most of her talk. I'm not sure what that was about.

Then they said anyone who is new and leaving today or tomorrow morning or anyone who is "really, really, really, really, really sad" can come up for Darshan. I didn't get up right away because I thought, I'm not leaving until tomorrow evening. A girl I was sitting next to suggested I go anyway and kindly pushed me into line. I was a little nervous. I didn't know for sure what to expect and there were so many people pushing in line and everyone was watching Amma so closely. I thought, they're going to be looking at me for some kind of reaction. Just thinking about getting a hug from her made me want to start to cry. I don't know why, I just know I wanted to cry. The people ushering you to and from Amma are a little rough because they have to be. There is no time to explain or kindly ask you to do this or that - they simply push you. So, someone grabbed a hold of the back of my head and pushed it into the proper position. Naturally, I wanted to put my arms around her, because that is how I am used to hugging, but they took my hand and placed to the side of her. So, all of this pushing and pulling jolted me out of my crying mood. More than anything I was thinking -- I am I doing this right?

But then I was able to relax a little. Amma pulled my head up and gave me a Hershey's Kiss. Then she looked me in the eyes, smiled, gave me a kiss a the forehead, hugged me again, rubbed her hand up and down my spine and whispered something in my ear. At this point I thought, don't freak out about all the commotion around you, just be present -- be aware. I noticed her beautiful rose perfume and I could feel a lot of love coming from her. This brought some of those tears up. Walking away I felt very shaky and overwhelmed by the whole thing. I saw a friend who is very motherly and I thought, I need a hug (even though I had just gotten one!!) and so I sat next to her and put my head on her shoulder. I finished crying the tears I had and she cried a little too. Then we shared the Hershey's Kiss.

It is interesting to me that I wasn't thinking, "don't forget to ask about having a baby," I was thinking, "I hope I feel something that will help improve my faith." After my Darshan I sat awhile watching others get their Darshan. I noticed that I started to feel so light, carefree, and happy -- like you feel when you are a little kid and Mom has taken care of everything. I can't say for sure the reason for the tears and the feeling of peace, but I'd like to believe that it had something to do with Amma's love.

Of course there is a part of me that wants to be very cautious about my experience today and not make into something it wasn't. The other part of me wants to be swept away by the experience.

It was very encouraging that a lot of people commented on my Darshan. They said I was very lucky. I got a little bit of everything and she held me for a long time. It is hard to tell how much time is passing when you're the one being hugged, so I'll have to take their word for it.

There is one experience before the meditation started that I can't get out of my mind, but I'm afraid to even say it because it seems so out there and impossible. But before I go and freak everybody out, let me just say that once a Saint or Guru taps into that Divine Knowledge he or she can manipulate it anyway they like. They of course realize that it is not a toy to be played with and are expected to use this gift with discretion. That being said, this last week or so I've been trying to talk to Amma, they way you would with God, and ask her to please do something or make me feel something to let me know that she hears me. So today before meditation, I felt as though she look right at me and smiled, as if to say, "Hey, there you are! I was looking for you. Don't worry I got your message. Thanks for coming today."

Now I realize that this is probably all in my head. I couldn't make out her facial features well because the light (which was overcast) was behind her. She could have been looking at someone behind me for all I know. Still, there is that part of me that wants to believe.

I'm Home

I made it home safe and sound last night around 9:00pm. Jesus' family was waiting for me here at the house. Lupe (Jesus' mom) had refried beans and homemade tortillas ready and waiting for me.

The basement Jesus has been working on all summer looks fantastic.

I'll post my last blog about the Ashram soon. It will tell about getting Darshan from Amma.

Love to all.

THANK YOU!!

Thanks to everyone who has read my blog and responded with support. I feel so appreciative and grateful for all the love and support I have in my life. It is amazing how we can delude ourselves into thinking that no one cares about us when we are stressed and tired. If this trip has taught me anything, it is that I am loved completely and utterly, not just by my family and friends but by God.

What an amazing lesson. I know it will carry me through good times and bad.

THANK YOU!!

Post 21

July 26 --

Today was relatively uneventful. I did take a bus ride to Karunagapally to look for a bigger bag in which to carry all the stuff I bought. I found a duffle bag the same size as the one I bought in Kochi, but it has zippers which allow it to expand in depth to twice it's size! It was less than $10!

I have determined that a bus is not the way to travel in India if you want to enjoy anything. I sat in the back of the bus because it had the most room (now I know why). Very soon after we were on our way we hit a pothole and I went flying straight up. This happened a few more times and I couldn't stop giggling. I wanted to stay just for the fun of it, but I could feel it doing a number on my back. So I moved up to the front of the bus. I had a splitting headache for the rest of the day!

I'm reading Autobiography of a Yogi by Yogananda (the guy I told you about who wrote those books on Chrstianity). I am enjoying it. I'm amazed at how quickly I went from skeptic to believer. I'm reading things in his book that I would have said, "Yeah right! What were you smoking?" to two months ago. Now I'm thinking, "Wow. God is amazing. I wonder if anything like that will ever happen to me?"

Old Doubtful Gloria comes around a few times a day to pick on Amma (because Old Doubtful Gloria is stubborn and really wants keep me from looking like an idiot if Amma is somehow proven to be a fake). O.D.G. especially likes to pick on the inconsistencies that she sees in things around the ashram and in the chanting that is done during Archana. But, I kindly remind her that even she has faith in the Vedas and she sees how being so doubtful before kept us from realizing this faith sooner.

"Do you want to be responsible for keeping us away from another truth?" I ask her. Then she is quiet for a while.

I've been feeling really creative lately. Those who know me, know that I'm not a creative person -- so this is a strange feeling. I keep thinking about two things in particular that I'd like to do.

#1 -- Figure out what I'm doing wrong with my sewing machine so I can use it. Then start making my own clothes. I love the Indian style of dress -- the designs are simple and the fabrics so colorful. I figure I won't find anything like that in the U.S. for a decent price, so I might as well make it myself!

#2 -- Last year I took an old cheap frame that I got from the dollar store, took out the glass and backing, wrapped some window screening around it and nailed it down. I use this as a place to hang all my earrings. I've wanted to improve on the design and make more. I just feel the need to create something and then give it away as a gift. So at night, when I'm having trouble falling asleep, I run through all the different kinds of designs I'd like to make and different ways to decorate them.

Then I think about school starting, my masters starting, and trying to find time to continue taking care of my physical, mental, and spiritual self and I think -- When will I find the time to do it all??

Only three days until I'm home!!!! :)

July 27 --

Amma arrived today. I missed her arrival, so I won't see her until tomorrow. I won't get Darshan until Tuesday morning. Tuesday evening I leave for HOME!!

:-)

I was going to say:

I've decided that I don't want to be a teacher anymore. Of course I will teach this year, but that will be all. I have no idea what I'll do instead, but I can now say that I have complete faith that God will provide something suitable for me. There is a little guilt, knowing that the purpose of this grant was to rejuvenate my energy so I could be that much more effective in the classroom. Instead, this trip has revealed to me that I am not well suited to teaching -- at least not Elementary. This last year I started to find my way of teaching and actually started enjoying it. The problem is that I started pulling farther and farther away from the curriculum and therefore my students' test scores were not improving as they are expected to do. I wanted to focus more on social skills and emotions and less on commas and multiplication.

Also, by making the decision to no longer teach, it follows that I do not need a masters in education, which means I do not have to start classes this fall and I can spend more time on my spirituality.

But then I started thinking:

Couldn't I find a way to teach the necessary material while focusing on social skills and emotions? Couldn't I teach with an open heart in such a way that I am able to put my newly found spirituality to the test? What better way to test yourself than to teach? If I remind myself that by serving these children well, I serve God well, do I really need to set aside a big chunk of time for spirituality? Wouldn't an hour of meditation and an hour of yoga everyday be enough? If I cut out t.v. I could easily fit that into my busy schedule.

Other thoughts I had were:

If it is God's plan that I not have a baby, then I will use that energy instead on my spirituality. I think I can honestly say, for the first time, that I am and will be fine if I can never give birth. :)

I can see why so many Christians have felt the need to share their excitement over finding Jesus with me in hopes of helping me "see the light". It is probably similar to the way I feel about finding my faith. However, I am going to try to remember how much I dislike people preaching to me so that I don't do the same to others. No matter how excited I may feel!

I'm constantly amazed at myself. I really never thought I had the capacity for faith in anything. And now look at me.

Faith is just the beginning though. I have so far to go. I doubt I will get as far on my spiritual journey as I'd like to in this lifetime, but at least I can set up a good foundation for the next.

Post 20

July 24--

I figured out how to keep myself from spending too much. I just have to stay on a boat all day long where there are no shops! Today was the backwater boat trip. It was gorgeous and so relaxing. The pictures do all the talking, so I'll let them and post some as soon as possible. (I probably won't post any though until I get home. I'm getting really tired of Indian Internet. It is not very reliable and it takes forever to upload stuff.) The food was very tasty too. I made two friends. Melitta is from Slyvania and Raj is from Hyderbad, India. Melitta is my age and Raj is double that.

It seemed like everyone else on the trip was from France and I have decided that the stereotypes about the French being rude was proved correct today. There was one lady that I really wanted to tell off, but I eventually had to just ignore her and not let her bother me anymore. My friend Raj is a VERY talkative man and this bothered little miss Frenchie. She would give him dirty looks at first and then she finally said, "Could you please be quiet." I was soooo pissed off. My mind ran through a few things I wanted to say to her, "You are in HIS country. If anyone is going to tell anyone how to behave in Indian culture than it would be him telling you to cover up your boobs and shoulders. According to them, you look like a whore! If you don't like to listen to Indians talk -- GET OUT OF INDIA BITCH!"

Wow, okay, I thought I had gotten over it, but I guess I'm still really upset over her behavior. I just don't understand how you can go to someone else's country and expect them to change their behavior for your comfort!?!?!?

I tried REALLY hard to take Amma's advice and see God's light in everyone, but I just didn't see it in her today. I obviously have a long way to go yet.

I was able to see God in the hungry homeless man outside the food court across from my hotel. I decided after I got back from the boat ride and took a shower that I'd go walking around and see what I could find to snack on and do some last minute shopping. (What can I say -- I was no longer trapped on a boat!) I tasted a little bit of this and little bit of that. If I couldn't finish something then I offered it to the homeless guy. At first I thought he might be offended because I was giving him my leftovers, but then I thought, He's begging on the street -- I'm not giving him anything my mouth or fingers have touched -- if he's offended then he's not really hungry. When I gave him the food I bowed a little to let him know that I was giving him the food with respect not out of pity. He gladly accepted.

I think I'd rather spend a whole day with a stinky homeless Indian than a picky French woman.

Tomorrow I'll take the 9:30 am train to Kollam and then a rickshaw back to the ashram.

July 25 --

I have determined that train is the best way to travel in India if you want to really enjoy the culture. I met several helpful people from different parts of India who spoke up to 5 languages each. It was funny to meet Christian Indians. I met two on the train. One was a girl who only spoke Hindi and so I wasn't able to communicate with her -- but she showed me her bible. The other was a guy said he recently converted. He asked me why I wasn't a Christian. I explained about the whole Jesus or Hell thing and the fact that my family has tried so hard to "save" me that it has just made my dislike* for Christianity stronger. Then I explain why I like Hinduism.

(*Just to reiterate -- All religions are saying the same thing. I just don't like the pushy "Jesus-Or-Hell" attitude of the people who represent Christianity. I realize I have a bias towards it and I'm working on letting that go.)

I got to see some beautiful countryside and I was able to spread out and be comfortable. Not to mention is was MUCH cheaper than going the whole way by taxi.

On getting back I stopped at the Kumars for Chai right away. Sanal was finishing up his last exam so he wasn't there. It is difficult for me to communicate with the other family memebers, so I thought I'd share my stories with Sanal tomorrow. I brought Sanal the Kochi newpaper (that I got free every morning) because he seems to be very interested in worldly happenings. I thought he might enjoy seeing some of the things happening in the big city. I didn't end up bringing them a pizza from Pizza Hut as I had wanted because I left at 9:30 am and they wouldn't be open by that time in the morning. In fact, it seems most places open around that time or 10 am.

I went to the evening Archana, caught up with a few friends, attended the last 30 minutes of Bajhans, ate dinner and now I'm ready for bed!

I'm having an amazing time here in India and I'm trying to take every bit of culture back with me. I hate to see this wonderful time come to an end, but at the same time I can't wait to be home with my Bub. Last night I couldn't fall asleep and so I turned on the t.v. and I caught an episode of 30 Rock and it made me miss him so much. Not only is that our favorite sitcom, but I was laughing so hard it reminded me of how my Bub makes me laugh. I miss that. I miss my puppies and my bed. Also, I can't wait to see the basement that Jesus has worked so hard on!

Love you all. Goodnight.

Video

Post 19

July 23 -
Wow! Where do I begin? I had an amazing day! Last night I hired a taxi (for today) to take me around to the popular sight-seeing places in Fort Cochin. I got to see a Jewish Synagogue, a Portuguese Palace (called the Dutch Palace because they did some renovations), an old Dutch graveyard, and St. Francis Church. The coolest part was when the fishermen called me over and took video of me "helping" pull the chinese fishing nets up. I say "helping" with quotation marks because I had to use little to no effort. They did all the work in pulling.
And of course, I did a LOT of shopping! I blew through almost all the money I took out in no time flat! Not to mention, I've decided to stay an extra night here in Cochin because tomorrow I'm going on a backwater boat tour. I'm really excited about this. This is something Jesus and I saw on a travel video and we both thought it would be really cool to do. I thought I wouldn't get a chance because it is the rainy season. I had actually given up on the idea until the man who runs the travel desk downstairs mentioned it. So, I'll do the backwater tour tomorrow and then I'll take the early morning train back to Kollam on Friday. Just in time to see Amma.
After all the shopping, I took a rest in my room, and then I went to see a traditional religious type of dancing called Kathakali Dance. This particular family that puts on this show has been performing these dances for generations. It was very informative. It was also nice to hear the narrator explain at the beginning that Hindus also believe there is only one formless God, but since a formless God is difficult to conceive and hold in one's heart, the Hindus use their imagination and create characters like Vishnu, Ganesha, etc. It was nice to know that I had understood it correctly. He says God gave an imagination, we need to use it. The crappy part is that my battery went out right when the dancing started! I checked the batter before I left because I wanted to make sure that didn't happen. It showed only one third was used, so I thought, that should be more than enough. Except the last two thirds go faster than the first third. Which doesn't make any sense to me, but I've learned my lesson. I was able to get a few crappy pics with the cell phone. :( Oh well, I'm sure I can find some YouTube video of the dancing to share with my class.
I walked there and back by myself (only like a 2 minute walk). I made sure with the travel agent that it would be safe for me to walk back in the dark by myself. He assured me it was. And it was, but there was a guy waiting outside the gates who started walking with me and talking to me right away. He tried asking me out for a drink. I, of course, said no. It was just weird. I made sure to mention MY HUSBAND as soon as possible so this guy would maybe give up and go away. But I think that here in India it is normal to ask someone out like that as a friend. Also, I think they REALLY like to talk to westerners and find out about their lives. Still, there was no way I was going to go. I didn't feel unsafe or get a bad vibe off the guy, but common sense is common sense!
Ummm, did I mention I did a lot of shopping? The rickshaw drivers here will get a free liter of gas if they bring westerners to certain fancy upscale shops to look around. My taxi driver did this, but I spent very little time there. Then later a rickshaw driver asked me to do him the favor and take a look at another. I thought, I have the time, and I don't have to buy anything -- plus this guy will get some free gas. It was my good deed for the day. Let's just put it this way, last year for our anniversary Jesus bought me a ring I really wanted at an art gallery in Traverse, Michigan. This year Jesus bought me a ring I really wanted in Kochi, India!! ; ) He just doesn't know about it yet. It is a black stone called the "Star of India" because when light shines it reflects back like a star. The setting is raised and has marking on it. I asked what the markings were and he said they were the same markings on the Taj Mahal.
It helped that they treated me like royalty when I was there. It is common to get served tea while they lay out all their merchandise in front of you. Service is something Indians excel at. Today, in efforts to get me to buy things, the following things have been said to me "your highness", "the jewelry here isn't as beautiful as you are", "I've been waiting patiently for two hours for you to come back this way, please don't break my heart and not stop and look in my shop", "Please just come into my shop to give me good luck". I actually never stopped at the shops where they owners were telling me these things. Although, I won't deny that it is flattering to hear so many nice things -- even if it is only because they want your money!
I was very proud of myself. I did a lot of bargaining today. I got almost everyone to come down in price. For example, this guy wanted to sell me a cheap little necklace that matched the shirt I was wearing today. I asked how much, he said 100 rps. When I declined, he asked me how much I would pay. I said I'd pay only 10 rps. He reluctantly agreed. Another guy wanted me to buy some paintings each for 200 rps. I said I'd buy two for 200 rps. After he saw that I really didn't care if I got them or not, he finally came down to 200 rps. Also the ring that Jesus bought for me ; ) was orginally about 1600 rps and I got it for 1400.
There was a fancy bar I came across that sold Indian wine. Jesus and I enjoy trying different types of wines. So, I went in to see about trying a glass, but they only sell the bottles. I didn't want to buy a whole bottle before trying it. Plus there is that stupid 3 fluid oz. rule for airlines now and there is now way I'd trust the bottle to last if it was in my checked luggage.
Okay, that's all for now. I need to get some rest for my big day tomorrow. It will be from 8:30 am to 5:30 pm. They provide pick-up, drop-off, and lunch all for about $14. Can you believe it?

Post 18

July 20 (Continued)--
Am I that transparent? Ganesh, the Spanish guy (that reminds me of Waldo) was listening in as I was talking about what it is like to teach in the inner city school. I felt myself getting a little emotional, as I relived all those stressful moments with difficult children, but I didn’t know that anyone would be able to pick up on the cause of it -- especially when I didn’t even know the cause myself. He heard me talking about how I used dog training techniques to deal with difficult behaviors. Ignore the bad and encourage the good - basic behaviorist thinking. At this he got very upset and tried to steer me away from that line of talking. Now he is a quiet guy -- he is very good at listening, so for him to interrupt and say stop... this is big!
Being the stubborn person I am, I continued. After I finished that line of discussion, I asked him if he thought I was awful for comparing children to dogs. Very seriously, he said “No, no. I just think you were heading the wrong way.” (Or something to that effect). When I asked for some explanation he said, “It isn’t about the kids, it is about your fear. There is fear behind your words.” Instantly, I felt that feeling in the pit of my stomach that I get when I think someone has discovered an ugly truth about me.
One of the first things Jesus noticed about my inner thinking was how fearful I am of things. So, even though what he said made no sense to me, I knew he was on to something. I asked him to elaborate. He said, “Maybe you had a really mean teacher growing up or your dad used to beat you and you are bringing this fear to your classroom.” It still made no sense how he was making any connection from the dogs to my dad. At least not to me. Again, in an instant I knew he was on to something because I was on the verge of tears. What in the world is going on here? I thought. How did we get to this topic and why after all these years does the mention of my dad and my childhood abuse* bring me to tears?
(*A side note about abuse: Legally speaking my father did nothing wrong, in fact most people probably wouldn’t even call it abuse, but for a sensitive child, what he did was severe enough to leave a deep scar in my mind and on my heart.)
I told him, “You’ve hit on something. My dad never beat us, but he was sometimes a little overly enthusiastic with the belt.” To this he winced.
[I didn’t tell him this, but my father was also very critical. It seemed to me that nothing we did was ever good enough. He came home angry most of the time and took it out on us. He was never affectionate or had any words of praise or encouragement. The only thing my father did encourage was our fear of worldly dangers and of him as a means of controlling us.]
I asked Ganesh, “What do I do with this?” He just shrugged and said, “I don’t know.”
That was it. That is all it took to get the tears rolling. And again now, as I type these words. I think I was getting hopeful that maybe if this guy can see so clearly into my emotions then maybe he has an answer for how to deal with them also. Because even after years of therapy I’m obviously not over it. As far as I know, my father’s actions haven’t left much of a trace on my other siblings, but they have left such a scar on me that you don’t have to know me long before you know about my dad.
So, needless to say, I came to my room to cry. But here I am, a 30 year old woman, still crying over things that I thought I had dealt with. For example, I have forgiven my father. I know that he was probably depressed for most of my childhood and was doing the best he could at the time. All in all, I had a relatively safe place to come home to with many comforts and a loving Mom. I know that my father loved and still loves me. My father has even apologized for not being a better dad. He even expressed some pride at the fact that I traveled halfway around the world by myself (which is what I wanted most as a little girl -- for my dad to express his pride in me). So why, after all these years, am I still drawn to tears over my childhood? I know I was brought up on fear, but how do I learn to get over it now?
July 21 --
Well, I've spoken with a few people, about yesterday's incident and they all have the same explanation for me -- each using their own analogies. I'll use one of my own.
Basically my childhood was the foundation of the house of my life. There was no foundation laid in the center of that house, but the house was still built up around that hole. From the outside, the house looks perfectly normal and for the most part, the house is functional. The kitchen, bathroom, bedroom, garage, they all work fine and are laid on a solid foundation. But anytime I have to walk through the living room I either carefully avoid the hole or fall in. After the house was already built and I realized that no one else was going to fill the hole for me, I started trying to to fill it myself. And that hole is no longer as deep as it used to be, but anyone who has been invited into my house can clearly see that something is wrong with the living room floor. My father, by apologizing, has helped to try to make the floor more functional, but this area will always be a little less sturdy than the rest of the house.
In other words, I'll never be completely over it, but at least I am healing.
Today was the day I was originally supposed to leave for home. And although I really want to be back in my Bub's arms I am so glad I decided to extend my trip. Today was the day I felt like I made the biggest "leap of faith". Last night I started reading a book called On the Road to Freedom written by a monk here that spent many years in India with different saints (Amma being the last and final saint). He is a westerner (grew up in Chicago) and so he explains things in a way that westerners can understand them.
Remember how I asked, why should one person bow to another, don't we all have God in us? He answers that very question and so now that I understand, I don't mind bowing to Amma (or her picture). So today I bowed to her three different times. Here is what convinced me:
"In India, one bows down to elders and holy men as a mark of respect and humility when meeting, as well as when leaving them. This is not done to flatter them. The ancients learned that every position or posture of the body affects the nervous system, which in turn affects the mind or mental attitudes. Pointing one's index finger at someone while talking for example, subtly increases one's feelings of self-importance, arrogance and perhaps anger as well. Likewise, bowing down to another person puts the mind in a receptive mood to receive advice from those who may be wiser than ourselves."
After reading this, I thought, okay I am going to bow down to Amma. Which then made me wonder, "Well why are you just going to take these ancients' word for it?" And then it dawned on me that I found faith in something. I haven't even read the ancient Indian scriptures (known as the Vedas) but I already have faith in them. Why? (This is where faith comes in.) I'm not 100% sure why, but I know part of it has to do with what I have learned about Ayur-Veda which comes from the Vedas. Both sets of knowledge/science were acquired the same way -- through years of meditation and then experimentation. These ancients would meditate -- have a vision or idea -- then check it out to see if it actually worked. They say that these things do work -- that (to who ever the anonymous person was who quoted some scripture) there is only one way to God. And I believe them.
They say this because they have tried it for thousands of years and found that only those who have followed this path have become enlightened. This is where Christianity and all the other religions get this idea of their way being the only way. It is actually not "their" way -- it is THE way interpreted differently at different times by different prophets. All true enlightened people will tell you to try an experiment -- "Follow what I say and see what happens. If you don't get the predicted outcome, by all means don't follow me anymore.
So this is how, on the day I was supposed to leave, I found my faith.
It is also the day they moved me from my comfortable and quiet room to another room down the hall that already had an occupant. It's not that bad -- sharing a room. I'm being really flexible and she seems to be very easy going (another French woman). It just isn't the same as being alone. Oh well. I think I'll leave tomorrow for Kochi (Cochin) anyway and stay there for one or two nights. Then I'll only have about a week left. Besides it was good for me to have to gather all my things and move them. It made me think about how much stuff I need to take back and how I'm going to do that.
July 22 --
Happy Birthday Estevan! Sorry I can't be there for your 16th birthday. Wait, did I just say 16? Damn -- if you're that old, that means I'm REALLY old!!! Anyway, Feliz Cumpleanos... y muchos mas! Wish I could be there to celebrate with you. Since I'm missing a pretty important birthday I'll try hard to find you a monkey. :)
This morning I woke up in a very good mood. I'm in Kochi. I arrived this afternoon around 3:00. I took an ashram taxi, but I think on my way back I'll either take a boat down the backwaters or a train just to have a different experience.
Almost as soon as I started off in the taxi, I realized that I had forgotten my wrist bands that Charmi gave me for motion sickness. Optimistically, I thought, maybe I won't need them. I of course needed them desperately. The roads were so bad and bumby and I was in the back of the suv. When I first came to the Ashram I had the wrist bands and I didn't feel a thing. So at first I tried to press on those pressure points with my thumbs, but you can't do them both at the same time. I finally gave up and I was very nauseous. I remembered reading in that book about how many of the great spiritual people suffer terribly from physical ailments and it is a way of #1 -- paying for past karma, and #2 -- teaching them to detach from the body. The swami who writes the book talks about his pain and how at times during his meditation or when being near Amma he is able to detach from the severe pain in his back and be at peace. I thought, maybe I can try that. I had about one second where I accomplished that and then it was gone. Still, it gave me hope.
My friend Bob told me about this place I'm staying at in Kochi called the Durbar Residency and I'm so glad he did. I would never have found this place otherwise. It wasn't listed in any travel I guide I looked in and it is off the main road. It is very quiet, clean, and inexpensive. I'm only paying 350 rps a night. He quoted me 550. I think the difference is I didn't get an A/C room. I'm so used to this heat, all I really need is a window and a fan. I have both.
After I got something to eat (at the Grand Hotel -- very expensive 213 rps for one meal) I walked around a little. I checked out all the shops that had clothing and fabrics, comparing prices. Most of them charge about the same. I prefer to buy just a punjabi top and most of the places are charging anywhere from 100 - 250 rps per shirt. Not bad -- just about or under $5. I bought a few things today. I got so many stares with my bald head. I'm not covering my head anymore and so I get some strange looks (and giggles).
Speaking of walking around with out my head covered -- people who came to the Ashram after I had shaved my head couldn't believe how dark my hair is. One girl even thought I was a blonde! HA!! I also had someone mention today how much weight I've lost. I didn't know it was that noticeable, especially with the big clothes that we wear. It is true though. Besides my clothes fitting differently, I can tell I lost a lot of weight because after a while of leaning back against the wall to type or read in my room my tailbone hurts so bad. I don't have all the padding I used to back there so there isn't much to cushion the tailbone. It's times like those that make me want to gain the weight back.
On my way back to the hotel, I saw a little Hindu shop, so I stopped in. I wanted to get some statues of Ganesha (the Hindu God that looks like an elephant -- he destroys obstacles). The man in there had very good English and was able to tell me a lot about the different statues and meanings behind them. I told him that I was looking specifically for a Ganesha statue (which he had a lot of). He said that this is the first God that is saluted at the beginning of any ceremony and he was very good to have in the house. Now I know you all are probably think -- if there is only one God, then why do Hindus have so many that they worship? Again -- they seem to be different Gods but actually they are all a different aspect of The One Supreme Being. They simply represent all of God's many powers. I was in there for a while.
Now I'm in my room just chillaxing. I flipped through the channels a little and found the Simpsons on! Can you believe it? Also, listening to the music on the commercials, you can tell how much rap and hip-hop have influenced the young culture here. It is really strange.
Tomorrow I will go pay my fee and then do some sight-seeing. I'd like to go to the islands. Kochi is a collection of small islands and a small section of mainland. I don't think there is much swimming that goes on in this area though. I think it is more of a port. Which is fine. I don't think I'd feel comfortable swimming by myself in the ocean anyway.
That's all for now. Love you all. Can't wait to be home.

Post 17

July 20--

I've been working on my Power Point Presentation for my grant. I have to present and turn in something summing up my trip in Sept. But, I start back to work almost immediately (as team leader this time) and start my masters soon after that, so I know that I won't have a lot time to play around with it. I'm having a lot fun with it. It is amazing all the things you can do with it. I've never really used Power Point before. The program I'm using is actually called Keynotes (it is Mac software) but it is pretty much the same thing as PP.

Prasana took me into town to help me buy a sari yesterday. I should say I followed her into town. She was afraid that the ashram people would see that she was taking me into town to buy something and they might not like that she was taking business away from the ashram. Anyway, once I have the top made she is going to show me how to put the whole thing on. It looks like a very complicated process. Despite that, the way they wear them here, makes it look very comfortable. I bought some silk fabrics earlier (when I went crazy at the one shop in Kollam) but I didn't really buy them for me. Besides, if I'm actually going to wear something I don't want it to be too nice because I get things dirty so fast! I would beat myself up if I got a brand new silk sari stained or dirty. So this sari is a cotton blend. It is a light purple with a golden border. Very simple, but very pretty. I figure I'll wear it when I'm giving my presentation for the grant, for sure. But I'll probably wear it to work sometimes just for fun!

Well, someone took the dogs away. (At least, someone took the dogs they didn't LIKE away.) I feel better that at least I was able to give the dog some medicine. Who knows what they did with them. Even if they kill them, at least I made his last few weeks more comfortable. I realize that I can't control what others do. I can only be concerned with my own actions. So, I don't feel like any of my efforts were in vain. What pisses me off though is that I found out yesterday that the Indian kitchen people keep a dog here! According to the "dog couple" (as I have come to call them) this dog that they keep is supposed to be like a watch dog, but it is too dumb to do a good job. I guess my problem with the whole thing is the double standard. Not to mention that the Ella-like-dog is still here. She will sleep on the temple steps and no one bothers her. In fact, some of the Indian people will actually feed her and pet her. Which is great for this dog. But, it just makes all the "reasons" that swami guy gave me a bunch of bullshit! It was easier to swallow when I thought that HE at least believed what he was saying. I guess it all just goes to show that it doesn't matter where you go or how "holy" someone tries to be -- we're all out for our own interests. I'm including myself in that statement -- but at least I don't go around in orange robes pretending to be this saintly person. He alluded to the fact that humans were worth more effort/money/time because they had the potential to become God-realized. But at least dogs don't lie! I don't know -- the more I think about it, animals are more God-realized than humans. Ugh! I just really hate being lied to. Why can't people just be up front and honest? "I don't like this dog because it is mangy and stinky and has diseases and I'm going to do whatever I can to get rid of it," would have been a much more accurate response to my questions.

"Why can't people just be up front and honest?" Hmmmm, good question. Like why can't I tell that kitchen lady, "I don't want to work with a bunch of over-emotional women and get all caught up in their drama. This trip is about taking care of me and working this job would hamper that goal"? I told her that I wasn't ready to do seva -- which was a lie. Actually I don't mind helping out at jobs that are flexible. For example, sweeping (which I'll be doing today at 4pm). If I start feeling poorly, I can just stop. But if there is a long of line of hungry customers waiting to have their orders taken, it's not so easy. So, why didn't I just tell her the truth? Actually I would totally prefer to tell her the truth. She'd leave me alone for good. But I've learned that people like to be lied to.

“Moreover, what we do every day is our real religion, for it shows what we truly value in life.”

~Dr. David Frawley

Author of Ayurvedic Healing

Post 16

July 16--

I feel like I deserve a diploma or certificate....

The Ayurveda Clinic of Amritapuri presents

Gloria Moya

with this certificate as proof that

she has successfully completed

4 weeks of Panchakarma treatment

On this 17th day of July, 2008

I am done! I'm feeling really good right now. I have to remember though to take it easy. My body is still recovering.

The kitchen lady is after me again. She wants me to work as cashier at the cafe. I wouldn't mind doing it all because I think they could use someone with some manners working the counter there. But... I'm not supposed to be doing seva AND they are always in bad moods there. I don't want to deal with all that emotion. I'm doing good enough dealing with my own! I think after being with Jesus all the time I prefer male energy to female energy. Females are so emotional (me included) that if you put too many together you have trouble... and that is what the situation is in the western cafe. So, here is another opportunity for me to practice saying no (even though I already said yes). When will I learn my lesson?

I have to pay the $125 fee for changing my flight at least 3 days prior to leaving. There are two nearby offices (meaning about 3 hours away) where I can do that (I don't think they take CC info over the phone here) one is in Trivandrum (where I will fly out of) and the other is Cochin (a.k.a. Kochi). It is a little further, but according to Bob, a much much better place to visit. So, I've decided that I'll go to Cochin to pay the fee and stay a night or two there to do some sight seeing. I asked Jane if she'd be willing to come with me so I don't go alone, but she has committed to some seva and she doesn't want to back out. Other than that, I don't know any other female close to my age (close meaning within 20 years) that might want to or be willing to go. There is a quiet woman here named Patricia -- I could ask her. Anyway, I think I might be going by myself. Which, is really okay with me. I'd prefer to be with a friend, not because I'm afraid so much, but because it is smart. From the women who have traveled by themselves all over India, they say that Kerala is one of the safest places in India. So, I don't think I need to worry -- just be smart and alert. Either way, I have to go pay this fee and I'm not going to pass up the chance to see more of the Indian culture.

Two brothers are staying across the hall from me and they like to cook. Twice I've weaseled my way into eating their dinner. Tonight it was a thick potato soup with grilled cheese and a cucumber and tomato salad. Yummmmmmy! Then tomorrow is the chicken dinner with the Kumars. Eating good food is the best part of being done with Panchakarma.

Well, I'll be home in two weeks! Can't wait to see everybody and kiss my Bub! I'm not looking forward to going almost straight back to work, but you gotta do whatcha gotta do!

July 17 --

I've got my ipod and laptop with me, so I get to listen to my music whenever. I've been lying in bed resting and listening to Corrine Bailey Rae. I like her more and more each time I listen to her sing. Her songs are beautiful and her voice is so sweet and gentle. If you haven't checked her music out, I highly recommend her. She reminds me of a funkier Norah Jones (without the piano), if that makes any sense.

I spoke to a guy named Adam today (from South Africa but lived 20 years in Germany) about his beliefs -- this is what I do, I go around talking to people about how they see things and I always learn something -- and he mentioned these books called The Yoga and Jesus (at least he thinks that is the title) and another one called The Second Coming of Christ. I think he said they were written by Yogananda (sp?) He says the second one is really thick (over 1,000 pages) but the first one is short and to the point. I'm excited to read it because he says that it shows how the ancient Indian texts and the Bible are talking about the same thing, just using different words to describe it. I told him, "That sounds like what I've been saying: That all there are many paths [religions] to God, you just have to chose which path you want to follow." He had a great response, which was, "Actually when you look at all those paths, they're really one and the same, they're just interpreted differently by each culture." I thought -- Yes! That makes more sense... and would explain why each of the religions claim that this is the only way to God!

He also had really good advice when I asked him what his experience with Amma was like. I ask everybody so I can get an idea of what to expect. He said, "I wouldn't ask anybody that and I wouldn't listen to what others have to say about their experience. If you do, you build up expectation and will inevitably be let down." I thought -- What good advice. I tend to build up expectations and then I am usually let down. I will try to let go of any expectations I've built up and just see what happens.

When I told him about Jesus and I wanting a baby, he mentioned that there is a mantra that you can chant for having a baby. When I asked him to tell me it he said, "I'm not going to say it!!" He said he'd look into it and give it to me if he could find it. :)

I've been practicing saying "No". Today I said no three times with absolutely no problem! I think I might actually be learning my lesson!! :) I still need to talk to the kitchen lady though.

MISSION ACCOMPLISHED:

The mangy dog has received his topical and oral medication. If he isn't improving in about a week Daya and I decided we'd get him some more medicine and try again. I imagine if there is still no improvement we'll have to call the vet back. The amazing part is that he sat so well during the entire process. First we had to rinse him with water and dry him off. Then we had to rub the ointment in. The whole time he sat, nervously, but he sat! It was a beautiful thing. It went off without a hitch. Ahhh, what a huge relief. I feel like a big weight has been lifted.

The funny part is when the Panchakarma doctor saw me in the store buying gloves. She said, "What are you doing????" She knew I was up to something! I said, "I don't want to tell you. You won't like it." But of course I told her about the dog. She, being an older Indian woman who has grown up in rural India, didn't approve. Not to mention, "Amma said not to pet the animals." To that, I said, "I'm not petting him. I'm healing him, like you heal people." She just shook her head and smiled.

I had a dinner and a movie tonight! Well, not really, but as close as I'm going to get in India. I had a delicious chicken dinner with the Kumar boys (the mom waited until we had our fill) and a few minutes of "American t.v." before the lights went out. Every night Sanal watches The World's Most Amazing Videos. He loves it when something comes on from the U.S. Today we saw a police chase that took place in Texas. He was very excited, since he knows that I grew up in Texas.

The lights go out a for at least 30 minutes each night. The ashram has a generator and so we aren't without power for more than a minute. The villagers on the other hand, just use flashlights. Anyway, the dinner was delicious! They sit on the floor to eat, so I did too. They laughed at me because I was using two hands to eat. They consider the left hand to be dirty (used to be used for wiping -- I don't think they do that anymore -- at least I hope not!)

Afterward, Shankar showed me how to wash up "Indian style" as he puts it. Basically they rinse their hands and forearms with water, then take a few mouthfuls of water, swish, and spit. They rub their teeth/gums with their finger in between the mouthfuls of water.

p.s. Thank you to everyone (Rosanna especially) for overlooking all my typos and misspellings. I haven't been very diligent in proofreading my posts and when I do occasionally look back over them I am shocked at all the mistakes.

July 18 --

I guess I am a little anxious to push the days along because I just realized that I was labeling my blogs a day in advance of the actual date. This is a difficult time for me because I am just waiting. I'm waiting for the rain to stop so I can travel to Cochin. I'm waiting for this guru celebration to finish so I can get some things I need taken care of done. I am waiting for Amma to come. I am waiting to go home and see my Bub (and Ella and Marley). I've never been good at waiting. Another lesson for me to learn.

So, yeah, I woke up to this day long celebration for Amma that I had no idea was coming. The western cafe isn't even open. Everything, I imagine, will be closed today because of this. I had a list of things I wanted to get done today, that I've been putting off for a while like picking up my laundry, that I can't do now.

I got tricked into going up to the altar and bowing in front of the Amma painting. There were two long lines on each side of the altar and food in front of it. Since there was no western cafe and I was hungry, I thought, I'll get in line for this food. The only trick is that everyone goes up to the alter first, bows at her "feet" and puts flowers on the altar. I didn't know this going into it, but there is a huge crowd and I didn't want everyone to see me "disgracing" Amma by taking her food and not bowing to her first. So, I got up there not knowing what I was supposed to do. I finally asked someone and they gave me flowers to put down. I felt like such a fake. I'd rather bow to a tornado than a picture of someone. Anyway, I got the food afterwards. You get a small scoop of rice pudding, a small scoop of sweet brown rice, a small scoop of sweet yellow rice, and a fried muffin looking thing. Believe it or not, it was too sweet for me.

Post 15

July 16--

Well, I finally got my flight arrangements changed. I'll have the exact same schedule, I'll just leave 9 days later. So I'll arrive home the evening of the 30th. It is a little longer than I wanted to stay, but there weren't any flights available on the days I wanted, so...

I enjoy talking with Sanal, the older son of the Kumar family. Probably because communicating with him is so much easier than with any other Indian I know. He has had a great advantage over many others because he lives so close to the Ashram, he gets to talk to so many different people. English is the language that he has in common with all the people who come to the ashram. He has a great curiosity for cultures other than his own and I of course want to know about their culture. So, we spend a lot of time talking. He's been trying to explain cricket (sp?) to me, but I just don't get it. I've stopped a couple of times by the "field" where they play every night from 4:30-6:30 to watch, but it just makes me more confused. I say "field" because it is really just a section of the beach where there are no buildings. There are still coconut trees that get in the way, but it is as good as it gets around here.

Just as with Declan, he has heard me say so many great things about Jesus that he wants to meet him. He said several times tonight how much he'd like to meet my husband. He wants me to send a dvd video of our house/life so he can see the "real" American and not just the glimpses he gets from tv. He has a mac laptop that an ashram visitor gave to him, so he can watch the video on that. (These people have this strange effect on others that people will just give them stuff -- like $500 dollars for college!!)

I was telling him today about strawberries, blueberries, and pizza! (Can you tell I'm missing American foods?) He's never had any of them. But he's heard of pizza. He'd really like to come to the U.S. sometime, but he says it is VERY difficult to get a visa there. He keeps asking me if there are Electricians in the U.S. and jokingly says, "Maybe I'll work as an Electrician in the U.S. someday."

Shankar is going in a few days to register for his classes. And Sanal told me that he found out he'll be going to a nearby state to do his internship. I told Sanal that his mom will be so happy when they are both gone so she can rest! I then asked him to translate and tell his mom what I said. She smiled/laughed and gave me a thumbs up! They are typical Indian boys in the fact that they will sit down and ask their busy mother to stop what she is doing and make them some chai or coffee! Their excuse is that she makes it better than they do (which is true -- because I've had chai made by all three) but I told them that when they are away from home who will make it then? It would be wise to learn from her how she makes it, so they can have good coffee/chai when they aren't home. I don't think I convinced them. Those arguments never convinced me when I was that age either!

Post 14

July 15--

The first attempt at silence lasted less than 24 hours. The second attempt at silence lasted slightly longer than 24 hours. I say attempt because I wasn't able to keep completely silent during my "silence". For example, I wanted to buy eggs to feed to the sick dog and I didn't have any paper to write on, so I had to speak up - otherwise the dog would have gone hungry. The next day I went to the library and it was a knew girl working there so I had to speak up and tell her my name. There is a little sign I wear that notifies everyone that I'm "in silence". Yesterday I finally added to the top of it "Gloria is trying to be...". I think if you're REALLY going to do silence you have to stop most of your activity and that is the most difficult thing for me. I can keep my mouth still (believe it or not) fairly easily, it is keeping my mind and body still that is most difficult. I mean, can you imagine, no writing, no reading, no watching t.v., no SLEEPING!! Ugh! I will still keep trying for this before I leave here. I figure even it is for 10 hours it is something!

Ants are some pretty amazing creatures! Don't laugh -- like I said, I have no t.v. Instead I have my own national geographic program playing all around me all the time. The other day I learned about the courtship of stray dogs in India and now I'm learning about ants!! They are sooo strong! For example, right now there is an ant that is climbing up the door frame carrying a load as big (if not bigger) than it. Not only is it carrying this upward against gravity, there is also a very strong breeze coming through my room right now that is has to struggle against. They are persistent little buggers. I didn't want it crawling toward me, so I blew on it and it simply crawled downward for a little bit and then turned and headed back up.

I only have like one more day of Panchakarma and then I'm finished!!!!!!! I can't wait to be done. I already have my chicken dinner planned for Thursday night! The boys keep asking me if I like the chicken fried. I think they like it fried, but they will only get it that way if I ask for it. At this point I couldn't care less how it is cooked, so long as it is cooked and I get to eat it. I think I remember Jesus telling me about this family that ate a very India type of diet in the U.S. but their health declined rapidly. They found it to be a lack of protein. But they were eating the same things in India and had no problems. Turns out they were eating a lot more bugs (a.k.a. protein) in India that happened into their food/drinks. When I first heard this story, I thought - Ugh! That is so gross! Now, I really don't care. Can you believe I said that? It is true though. Sometimes I'm pretty sure there are little bugs in my rice or chai, but I eat them anyway. Today I found a tiny little ant in my cookie or "biscuit" as they call them. I wouldn't have noticed it (and probably would have eaten it) if it hadn't still been alive and moved. I let it go, I'm not that cruel.

Speaking of cruelty to animals. This morning Shankar was sitting with me as I had my morning Chai. I noticed a big black ant on his toe and told him to watch out. He shook his foot, which caused the ant to land on top of his foot. It then bit him. They are pretty painful bites I understand (luckily I don't know from firsthand experience) and so he flicked it hard with his finger. The poor thing could barely walk and it looked like it's abdomen was falling off. I felt really sad for the thing. You know I'm overly sensitive when I start feeling sad for an ant!

Oh, and don't worry about the cookie I ate. They told me this week when having the enemas that it would be good to have a few biscuits in the morning with my tea so that I have something in my stomach before the procedure. At one point I was eating non-sweet biscuits (a.k.a. crackers) but I figured a little sugar would be okay! :) They didn't specify whether it should be sweet or non-sweet.

So, I checked my e-mail yesterday and still no response to my question about rearranging my flight schedule. So, now that I have my flight info, I'll call her today. It is so difficult communicating over the phone though because their accents are so thick. But, I guess for now, I'll give it a try.

Post 13

July 9 --

Super good news!!! Jesus says we already made the $500 for Shankar’s education. Plus... he says money may still be coming in and so the extra money will just be a bonus for them!! I couldn’t wait though -- as soon as he told me that we had enough I took it out and gave it to them. When he tells me how much extra was donated, I’ll take that out and give them a special surprise!!! They totally won’t be expecting that. :)

So, they aren’t a very outwardly expressive culture. They didn’t jump up and down or even given me a hug... but the smiles on their faces and the relief I saw in the mother’s eyes as she kissed the money and touched it to her head and chest was enough. They are also going to cook me a chicken dinner tomorrow -- this is their way of saying thank you. I will gladly accept this gift on behalf of all of you. :)

Again -- Thank You to each of you who sent money. Every little bit has made a difference in this young man's life. Since they can't say it for themselves, I'll say it for them -- THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!! You are all amazingly generous people.

I started the Basti treatment today (better known as enemas). :P No fun!!! I have two small oil enemas (today and tomorrow) and then a big water/herb enema. Then I alternate oil/water for 5 days or so. This is sooooo NOT fun. But, I went to see the other Ayurvedic doctor at the college the other day to find out my dosha (body type) and find out what was out of balance. She says I am a Pitta by nature, but when she read my pulse she found Vata to be more predominant. She then said, enemas will be the best treatment to balance this out.

Of course the night before I start this lovely treatment, I got a roommate! She is a French woman, probably middle-aged. She just happened to walk into the room (needing to use the toilet) after I had just, you know... finished my basti. Good news is that she leaves tomorrow. I’m not sure why they moved her into my room for just two nights (because I know she has been here for at least one week already), but I’m grateful it is such a short stay. I would hate for her to suffer through this next week with me.

So, I called the vet to come out and give the mangy dog some meds, but he had an emergency come up this morning so he’ll try again tomorrow. Good news is that I’ve met a woman named Daya (sp?) from California who is also a sucker for suffering animals. She had already offered to help with the cost, but she also wants to be there with me when the vet comes and ask questions about what we can do to help this on-going problem. She will be here for 6 months. She is teaching English at Amma’s school. She told me about how they need more teachers (did I tell this story already??) and so I gave her my info. Maybe, Jesus and I will come back someday to teach English here.

Still miss you all. Love you!

July 10 --

I have a wonderful friend here named Jane. She is so motherly it is funny because she doesn't have any kids. She is (as nicely and non-pushy as possible) encouraging me to stay put and REALLY take care of myself this week because she has done the bastis and she knows how much it takes out of you (no pun intended). So, like a big girl, I went to Prasana and told her that I'd have to post-pone the Chicken dinner until next week because I am supposed to eat VERY lightly this week. And, probably because Jane is tip-toeing so well around my If-You-Tell-Me-What-To-Do-I'll-Do-The-Opposite attitude (and yes Mom, I see the double-standard here), I am going to take her recommendation and try to stay out of the internet cafe. I will still type up blogs here, but I'll wait until next week to post them. This will not be easy, because I feel well enough to go to the internet cafe. But, I know that the whole idea is for me to stay still and not run around with my made-up errands. It is amazing how busy I can keep myself if I really want to.

I'm not even going to go into town to get the meds that the vet prescribed for the mangy dog. I'll see if Daya will be willing to go. If not, then the dog will have to wait. Good news is that Jane says she saw him this morning trying to get it on with the white and brown (Ella-like) dog. (I guess all those chicken bones I've been "accidentally" dropping and he has been "accidentally" eating is giving him some of his strength back.) So this Ella-dog has been in heat and attracting all kinds of male dogs. It is funny because there is this one large brown dog, very strong and tough looking, who has been trying to get in her pants ALL WEEK. The other day I was waiting to meet Jane in front of the temple and I was watching this all play out in front of me. I couldn't help but apply my own dialouge to their courtship. It went something like this:

"Oh come baby, you know you want it." (as he tries to mount her)

"I'm not that kind of girl! If that is all you want, get out of here." (as she chases him out of the ashram)

"I'm sorry baby, you know I love you. What do you want me to do?" (as he comes back and starts licking her face)

"He-he-he, that tickles! Stop it! Ok, ok! You can stay, but don't think you're getting any!" (as she rolls over on her back and lets him lick her ALL over)

I didn't see the conclusion to this story, but something tells me there will be little puppies running around here in a few months. And don't judge -- I don't have t.v. here -- I have to find my entertainment where I can get it. I just didn't know that you could get R rated entertainment here at the ashram! :)

July 11-

Today was the big basti. Believe it or not, it wasn't as bad as I imagined it would be. Though it was still very painful. I'm sitting there, naked on the toilet, pooping out all this gunk, and these pretty little "nuns" are poking their heads in occasionally asking me, "Pain? Pain?" The funny part is that I wasn't all that embarrassed. They have this way of making this ridiculous position I'm in seem totally natural and normal. And even though nothing was quite as bad as I had imagined, I was still on the verge of tears the whole time.

Today during the evening Archana I saw this woman rubbing her neck incessantly. I have noticed her before and she is always rubbing her neck. It has really bothered me in the past and I would think -- stay still would you! But today, I felt this immense compassion for her and the discomfort she must be in. I tried ignoring her for a while, but I couldn't stand it. I finally stood up and walked over and asked if I could massage her neck for her. I had to do something to ease this woman's discomfort. She was sooooooooooooooooooo grateful. I massaged her neck/head for about 45 min. straight. She kissed my hand afterward. As if she were my grandmother, I kissed her back. I really just wanted her to be comfortable for a few minutes. Normally, I would be so afraid of disturbing others, or upsetting her by assuming that she needed help, that I would not have even asked if I could help. But something told me she was desperate for some relief. So, I put my fears aside and by doing so I was able to help someone who really needed it. If my assumptions are correct, this is the woman that a man was telling me about who has cancer. It felt really good to do something for someone else like that. I think after having these Bramacharinis taking such good care of me for so many weeks now, I want to return the favor somehow. I want to take care of someone else.

So, part of my reason for being here is to start and maintain a meditation and yoga routine for myself; something that I will follow through with back home.

I have written down the routine that I am attempting and will continue to attempt to keep when I get home. It hasn't been easy while doing Panchkarma to keep as strictly to the routine as I'd like, but I do what I can, while also trying to listen to my body and resting when I need to. Meditation hasn't been a problem. The yoga is something else though. I feel so weak sometimes, especially this week, that I just have to rest.

July 13--

I STINK! In addition to the spicy food and sweat, while you are doing Panchakarma they put these spices and oils on the top of your head and you have to keep it covered with cotton (hence all the photos with my head covered). The dogs aren't going to recognize me because I will smell totally different than anything they have ever smelled before! I was going to apologize to Jesus for smelling like a bunch of spices, but then I thought, knowing how much he enjoys food, he might actually like it! :)

I'm feeling very restless. Yesterday is when I noticed it. The digestive process is divided into three parts (according to Ayurveda) -- Kapha (water) controls the digestion of sugars in the mouth, Pitta (fire) controls the digestion in the stomach through acids/bile, and Vata (air) controls the intestines. Vata is associated with being flighty, nervous, etc. So, my guess is that these enemas are stirring up all this restless energy.

I've been reading The Buddha Gospels which was probably a mistake. I really like the Four Noble Truths, which is the basis of Buddhism. And, I really like what I've learned about Amma and what she does. For that matter -- I like the basic teachings of all major religions -- they all have the same teaching... they all make sense to me. BUT, as soon as I read the "history" or "gospel" or "whatever" it ruins it for me. I'm not sure what it is, but I think it has to do with the overly indulgent style of writing that is used. Like, I understand that it must be a pretty impressive thing to tell the story of a prophet/guru that it might be easy to get all caught up in excessive language -- but it just puts such a bad taste in my mouth. I guess because they all say that God is in everything -- God is everywhere -- We are all God's children -- God is even within us, we just have to realize it. Okay, so then why this ridiculous love and adoration for one person who has realized that? Shouldn't this love and adoration be for everyone (realized or not)? If anything, the non-realized people need this love and adoration more so they CAN realize their godliness. The prophets/gurus they already know and they are detached from human emotional needs because they feel God's love all the time.

Perhaps this is why I was so attracted to the God Memorandum when I came across it in High School (the height of my aethiest-ism). I can't remember who wrote it, but I remember that the whole idea is that God has sent us a Memo stating how wonderful we are, how "godly" we are, and you are supposed to read it over and over until it finally sinks in. Once you recognize your true worth, then you can also see everyone else's true worth, and therefore love everyone as God loves everyone. It is really a smart idea. I might re-read it. I haven't read it in a looooong time! At least I know I'll respond to it better than the things I've been reading.

In case you can't tell, I'm trying REALLY hard to put aside all of cynicism and doubt. I really want to have faith in something. I understand that I need that and I even WANT it. The problem is I'm very very very picky about what I will accept. Which, according to Buddha, is a good thing!! It just makes this whole spiritual quest that much more difficult!! But then, I am talented when it comes to making things more difficult than they have to be.

“Do not believe in what you have heard; do not believe in doctrines because they have been handed down to you through generations; do not believe in anything because it is followed blindly by many; do not believe in truths to which you have become attached by habit; do not believe merely on the authority of your teachers and elders. Have deliberation and analyze, and when the result agrees with reason and conduces to the good of one and all, accept it and live up to it.”

~Buddha

I've also been thinking about meeting Amma. As usual, everyone is telling me what I should do. I had already been thinking the same things they were -- to ask for a baby, to ask for mental/spiritual health/strength, and to ask for a mantra. (Like I said before -- I'm trying really hard to have faith in something and so I thought this would be a good place to start. I'll ask -- the worst thing that will happen is nothing will change!) But then I thought, if Amma really is this God-realized being, do I really want my first encounter with her to be asking for something? I then thought regardless of her divinity, I really want to thank her for having created a place like this where I could come and just focus on me. She is the one who wanted to start an Ayurvedic Clinic, College, and Research Center. Without all of this, I would never have found Ayurveda and would never have been able to experience the love and care of these amazing Brahmacharinis. So, I think I'll just say "Thank you".

July 14 --

Well, last night I looked at a calendar and I couldn't believe that the month is half over already! I know I've been writing down the dates on my blogs, but it didn't click until I looked at a calendar. So much for staying out of the internet cafe!! I have to get in to check my e-mail and see about extending my ticket. I e-mailed the travel agent and didn't get a response. Then I called her and left a message. I would call again, but I need my flight numbers and I don't have that info on me. It is in an e-mail. So, I really need to check my e-mail and get in contact with this lady asap. I'm running out of time fast! I am scheduled to leave in 1 week!! Wow -- I can't believe that it has all passed so quickly. I remember thinking how slow time was passing when I first got here. An extra week will be so good for me. I've heard that the week or two after Panchakarma can be the most tiresome as your body tries to recover.