Post 22

July 28--

It was totally unexpected, but I got Darshan from Amma today. I was reading in my room, waiting to hear the three bells that indicate Amma is coming to the temple. I rushed down, eager to finally get a good look at this lady. I found a seat almost directly in line with where she would be sitting, but I was several rows back. First we all meditated together. Any prayer or meditation usually starts with chanting the word "Om" three times. It was so powerful today. The temple was pretty full and everyone was so excited that you could feel the vibrations all over your body. Then Amma talked about the recent bombings in India and talked about the recent threat to Kerala. She said death is nothing to be afraid of, it is like seeing a long lost friend again. She was smiling/laughing/giggling during most of her talk. I'm not sure what that was about.

Then they said anyone who is new and leaving today or tomorrow morning or anyone who is "really, really, really, really, really sad" can come up for Darshan. I didn't get up right away because I thought, I'm not leaving until tomorrow evening. A girl I was sitting next to suggested I go anyway and kindly pushed me into line. I was a little nervous. I didn't know for sure what to expect and there were so many people pushing in line and everyone was watching Amma so closely. I thought, they're going to be looking at me for some kind of reaction. Just thinking about getting a hug from her made me want to start to cry. I don't know why, I just know I wanted to cry. The people ushering you to and from Amma are a little rough because they have to be. There is no time to explain or kindly ask you to do this or that - they simply push you. So, someone grabbed a hold of the back of my head and pushed it into the proper position. Naturally, I wanted to put my arms around her, because that is how I am used to hugging, but they took my hand and placed to the side of her. So, all of this pushing and pulling jolted me out of my crying mood. More than anything I was thinking -- I am I doing this right?

But then I was able to relax a little. Amma pulled my head up and gave me a Hershey's Kiss. Then she looked me in the eyes, smiled, gave me a kiss a the forehead, hugged me again, rubbed her hand up and down my spine and whispered something in my ear. At this point I thought, don't freak out about all the commotion around you, just be present -- be aware. I noticed her beautiful rose perfume and I could feel a lot of love coming from her. This brought some of those tears up. Walking away I felt very shaky and overwhelmed by the whole thing. I saw a friend who is very motherly and I thought, I need a hug (even though I had just gotten one!!) and so I sat next to her and put my head on her shoulder. I finished crying the tears I had and she cried a little too. Then we shared the Hershey's Kiss.

It is interesting to me that I wasn't thinking, "don't forget to ask about having a baby," I was thinking, "I hope I feel something that will help improve my faith." After my Darshan I sat awhile watching others get their Darshan. I noticed that I started to feel so light, carefree, and happy -- like you feel when you are a little kid and Mom has taken care of everything. I can't say for sure the reason for the tears and the feeling of peace, but I'd like to believe that it had something to do with Amma's love.

Of course there is a part of me that wants to be very cautious about my experience today and not make into something it wasn't. The other part of me wants to be swept away by the experience.

It was very encouraging that a lot of people commented on my Darshan. They said I was very lucky. I got a little bit of everything and she held me for a long time. It is hard to tell how much time is passing when you're the one being hugged, so I'll have to take their word for it.

There is one experience before the meditation started that I can't get out of my mind, but I'm afraid to even say it because it seems so out there and impossible. But before I go and freak everybody out, let me just say that once a Saint or Guru taps into that Divine Knowledge he or she can manipulate it anyway they like. They of course realize that it is not a toy to be played with and are expected to use this gift with discretion. That being said, this last week or so I've been trying to talk to Amma, they way you would with God, and ask her to please do something or make me feel something to let me know that she hears me. So today before meditation, I felt as though she look right at me and smiled, as if to say, "Hey, there you are! I was looking for you. Don't worry I got your message. Thanks for coming today."

Now I realize that this is probably all in my head. I couldn't make out her facial features well because the light (which was overcast) was behind her. She could have been looking at someone behind me for all I know. Still, there is that part of me that wants to believe.