Post 21

July 26 --

Today was relatively uneventful. I did take a bus ride to Karunagapally to look for a bigger bag in which to carry all the stuff I bought. I found a duffle bag the same size as the one I bought in Kochi, but it has zippers which allow it to expand in depth to twice it's size! It was less than $10!

I have determined that a bus is not the way to travel in India if you want to enjoy anything. I sat in the back of the bus because it had the most room (now I know why). Very soon after we were on our way we hit a pothole and I went flying straight up. This happened a few more times and I couldn't stop giggling. I wanted to stay just for the fun of it, but I could feel it doing a number on my back. So I moved up to the front of the bus. I had a splitting headache for the rest of the day!

I'm reading Autobiography of a Yogi by Yogananda (the guy I told you about who wrote those books on Chrstianity). I am enjoying it. I'm amazed at how quickly I went from skeptic to believer. I'm reading things in his book that I would have said, "Yeah right! What were you smoking?" to two months ago. Now I'm thinking, "Wow. God is amazing. I wonder if anything like that will ever happen to me?"

Old Doubtful Gloria comes around a few times a day to pick on Amma (because Old Doubtful Gloria is stubborn and really wants keep me from looking like an idiot if Amma is somehow proven to be a fake). O.D.G. especially likes to pick on the inconsistencies that she sees in things around the ashram and in the chanting that is done during Archana. But, I kindly remind her that even she has faith in the Vedas and she sees how being so doubtful before kept us from realizing this faith sooner.

"Do you want to be responsible for keeping us away from another truth?" I ask her. Then she is quiet for a while.

I've been feeling really creative lately. Those who know me, know that I'm not a creative person -- so this is a strange feeling. I keep thinking about two things in particular that I'd like to do.

#1 -- Figure out what I'm doing wrong with my sewing machine so I can use it. Then start making my own clothes. I love the Indian style of dress -- the designs are simple and the fabrics so colorful. I figure I won't find anything like that in the U.S. for a decent price, so I might as well make it myself!

#2 -- Last year I took an old cheap frame that I got from the dollar store, took out the glass and backing, wrapped some window screening around it and nailed it down. I use this as a place to hang all my earrings. I've wanted to improve on the design and make more. I just feel the need to create something and then give it away as a gift. So at night, when I'm having trouble falling asleep, I run through all the different kinds of designs I'd like to make and different ways to decorate them.

Then I think about school starting, my masters starting, and trying to find time to continue taking care of my physical, mental, and spiritual self and I think -- When will I find the time to do it all??

Only three days until I'm home!!!! :)

July 27 --

Amma arrived today. I missed her arrival, so I won't see her until tomorrow. I won't get Darshan until Tuesday morning. Tuesday evening I leave for HOME!!

:-)

I was going to say:

I've decided that I don't want to be a teacher anymore. Of course I will teach this year, but that will be all. I have no idea what I'll do instead, but I can now say that I have complete faith that God will provide something suitable for me. There is a little guilt, knowing that the purpose of this grant was to rejuvenate my energy so I could be that much more effective in the classroom. Instead, this trip has revealed to me that I am not well suited to teaching -- at least not Elementary. This last year I started to find my way of teaching and actually started enjoying it. The problem is that I started pulling farther and farther away from the curriculum and therefore my students' test scores were not improving as they are expected to do. I wanted to focus more on social skills and emotions and less on commas and multiplication.

Also, by making the decision to no longer teach, it follows that I do not need a masters in education, which means I do not have to start classes this fall and I can spend more time on my spirituality.

But then I started thinking:

Couldn't I find a way to teach the necessary material while focusing on social skills and emotions? Couldn't I teach with an open heart in such a way that I am able to put my newly found spirituality to the test? What better way to test yourself than to teach? If I remind myself that by serving these children well, I serve God well, do I really need to set aside a big chunk of time for spirituality? Wouldn't an hour of meditation and an hour of yoga everyday be enough? If I cut out t.v. I could easily fit that into my busy schedule.

Other thoughts I had were:

If it is God's plan that I not have a baby, then I will use that energy instead on my spirituality. I think I can honestly say, for the first time, that I am and will be fine if I can never give birth. :)

I can see why so many Christians have felt the need to share their excitement over finding Jesus with me in hopes of helping me "see the light". It is probably similar to the way I feel about finding my faith. However, I am going to try to remember how much I dislike people preaching to me so that I don't do the same to others. No matter how excited I may feel!

I'm constantly amazed at myself. I really never thought I had the capacity for faith in anything. And now look at me.

Faith is just the beginning though. I have so far to go. I doubt I will get as far on my spiritual journey as I'd like to in this lifetime, but at least I can set up a good foundation for the next.