Post 12

July 6 -- Hope everyone had a nice 4th of July weekend.

Good News!!! Jesus says that the donation are rolling in! I’m so excited. THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU to everyone who donated/is donating. You are making a significant difference in a young man’s life.

Well, now I am doing the rice bundles treatment. They take rice and put it in cloth bundles and boil them. When the rice is soft they let them cool slightly and then they rub my whole body with them. I have a friend named Jane here and she is from England and she has a very sing-songy kind of accent. When she was trying to tell me about it she said, “It’s like being licked by a thousand cows.” So, during my first treatment I couldn’t stop laughing because I kept hearing her saying that. I think the Bramacharinis (sp?) were probably wondering what I’d sniffed. I tried explaining it to them, but communication is always a little chopping with them. I’m sure the humor was lost in translation.

Tomorrow I’m going across the bridge to visit the Ayurvedic College. There is another doctor there who specializes in determining your dosha (body type) and then prescribing a diet/guidelines for you. Of course there is another charge -- but knowing this information will help to keep all this Panchakarma treatment from going to waste. I’ll know how to care for myself better so I don’t get this out of balance again. Did I already mention that I checked a book out from the library about Ayurveda? It is called Contemporary Ayurveda and it is pretty technical but it did a lot to convince me of its effectiveness and benefits. It was published in like 1998, but I figure these techniques have been around for thousands of years -- the only more a newer book could tell me is more research that has been done. But by now, I’m already convinced, so I don’t need more research to prove or disprove it.

I started my “silence” about 30-45 minutes ago for lots of reasons, but what really did was this Bramachari who spoke to the Western Cafe about the dog situation here. There are currently 3-4 dogs that are hanging around the Ashram. Indians (at least the ones here) do not like dogs. They think of them like Americans think of rats. I was really upset at the contradiction between Amma being this all compassionate and loving person and the Amma that sends a message to stop feeding the dogs. I totally understand the whole thing about diseases and possible bites. But the guy said that this is a recurring problem, so I asked why hasn’t something been set up to help the dogs and keep them off the streets. I mean Amma has practically rebuilt this whole region through the money that is generated and her devotees’ services... why not set up an animal hospital/shelter. Why not educate the community on dealing this stray dogs to minimize bites? This guy was little help. Basically what it came down to (to him) was that dogs are lowers on the scale of consciousness and they are dogs because of past bad karma and so when it comes to feeding a human or feeding a dog -- they’re going to feed the human.

Now -- I totally agree that if it comes down to human or dog, I’d chose the human because I’m programmed that way. But I think that the choice doesn’t have to be human or dog. You should see how much food goes in the compost piles. Just a portion of that a day would help feed these dogs. Not to mention the fact that so many Westerners come to the Ashram who LOVE dogs and cats and would gladly give their time, energy, and money to help with a shelther/hospital.

Anyway, as I was saying before, I’m a little overly sensitive right now because of the Panchakarma and so I could barely talk to the guy because I was holding back the tears. Finally I just said “Thank you” and left. I went to a little garden right outside of the Ashram and cried. I was so pissed off. I had a million thoughts going through my head at once... here are a few of them...

I thought God was supposed to be in ALL things -- so shouldn’t we treat all things with the same kind of love?

I’m not much better though, in their eyes I’m wicked because I eat cows and I do enjoy killing mosquitos.

But, if I saw a sick cow, I’d want to help it just as much as I want to help a dog. I really think I’d even feel sorry for a sick or hurt rat. And sometimes (very few, but every once in a while) I will even feel bad for the mosquitos. It isn’t their fault that they have to suck blood to survive and I’ve got so much of it to give. Is it really that bad if they take a sip?

I just need to talk to Amma one on one. I need to understand her reasoning here, because it just doesn’t make sense with the rest of her beliefs. I never have liked not understanding someone’s way of thinking. If I can understand I can better accept it. Like even that Bramachini, I don’t like that he sees dogs are lesser beings, but at least I understand where he is coming from and I can leave that alone.

Why am I so upset over this? What’s really bothering you here? Hmmmmm, does it remind you of when you were a kid and you wanted to help all the stray cats and Dad would tell you no and then he’d take them “away”? I think maybe that has something to do with it.

Okay, so I don’t like it. Either quit crying and complaining or do something about it. What can I do? I’m not going to give up my life to live here and try to save a few dogs. Ahhh, so they’re not THAT important to me after all????

That’s not fair. I have responsibilities back home. I have a husband and dogs of my own to care for. I have committed to take care of them. Would it make sense to neglect them to save a few others? Of course not.

But I could send money. Money goes far here in India. I could sacrifice a little and save money and donate it on the condition that be used only to build/run an animal shelter there at the ashram. Do I really think I could come up with that kind of money? Hmmmm, probably not. I could raise the money!

Am I really going to be able to stay focused on these dogs when I get back home and am distracted by work and other responsibilities? I do have a very long record of SAYING that I want to change something and then never actually doing what it takes to make that change.

Ah, just give up. What are you trying to prove anyway? This is an established culture, there is no way you’re going to do anything that will make a real difference. And so what if a couple of dogs suffer and die?

I can’t believe I just thought that!!!! But does it really matter? There are animals suffering all over the world all the time.

Well, in that case, does anything really matter? I mean, why try to stop any suffering?

Hmmmm, so it seems that one could get carried away with either caring or indifference. If I had to chose one to get carried away with or one side to err on, it would have to be caring.

Okay, so care about these dogs and you feel very strongly that you need to do something regardless of what the stupid Ashram rules say. What am I going to do? How about I go into silence until I figure it out? Sounds good.

I was there for a long time. Then a guy came into the garden. He had been one of the guys that also helped take care of Declan (this is the ACTUAL REAL spelling of his name -- I got it wrong the last time I asked him how to spell it -- uhhhh only Gloria!). Anyway, he’s a tall skinny guy that kind of reminds me of a Spanish Waldo. I don’t know his name right now. He saw that I was upset and guessed it was about the dogs... he also guessed very quickly that I was in silence. But he had some GREAT insight into the whole thing. Basically he is saying that sometimes these “spiritual” people who “represent” Amma get a little carried away with “Amma say this” and “Amma says that” and that really Amma never wanted any kind of institution -- which is what the Ashram is now. He said I was probably overly sensitive because the way they are institutionalizing the treatment of these dogs is similar to the institutionalized way they pushed my friend Declan out of the Ashram. It is hard to say what all happened in this situation, but basically, they wanted him to have his own 24 hour care and they didn’t want Ashram resources (visitors who could be doing other seva) “wasted” on him. At least that is the way it seemed to me. Anyway, he continued by saying that all you can do in this life is try to be sincere in everything you do and observe and learn from your reactions to things. So he suggested that be honest with myself and try to figure out why I am having such a strong reaction and then, what ever my actions may be (rules or no rules) that they be sincere. The thing I like best about this whole conversation -- besides the fact that I didn’t open my mouth and was actually able to listen -- was that he wasn’t lecturing me. He kept saying, “the way I see it” and “I think” and “May I suggest” but there was no lecture to it at all. I’ve been getting lots of lectures since I’ve been here. Everyone wants to tell me what I should and shouldn’t do -- maybe this is another reason I had such a strong reaction to this Bramachari.

Anyway, so I am in silence. I’m going to keep chewing on this one. I keep thinking this is good -- that I am getting so upset by lectures and rules and people expecting me to do this or that -- it is good because it is forcing me to deal with all the things that I am really good at NOT dealing with in the real world. In the real world there is always an escape. Here, there isn’t one. You just have to face it.

Which reminds me -- I said yes to someone today when I wanted to say no -- and then I didn’t even do the seva I was asked to do. I need to tell that person what happened and then tell him to please not ask me to do seva anymore. If I want to do seva, then I will volunteer for it.

Whew! I’m sweating now.