Post 18

July 20 (Continued)--
Am I that transparent? Ganesh, the Spanish guy (that reminds me of Waldo) was listening in as I was talking about what it is like to teach in the inner city school. I felt myself getting a little emotional, as I relived all those stressful moments with difficult children, but I didn’t know that anyone would be able to pick up on the cause of it -- especially when I didn’t even know the cause myself. He heard me talking about how I used dog training techniques to deal with difficult behaviors. Ignore the bad and encourage the good - basic behaviorist thinking. At this he got very upset and tried to steer me away from that line of talking. Now he is a quiet guy -- he is very good at listening, so for him to interrupt and say stop... this is big!
Being the stubborn person I am, I continued. After I finished that line of discussion, I asked him if he thought I was awful for comparing children to dogs. Very seriously, he said “No, no. I just think you were heading the wrong way.” (Or something to that effect). When I asked for some explanation he said, “It isn’t about the kids, it is about your fear. There is fear behind your words.” Instantly, I felt that feeling in the pit of my stomach that I get when I think someone has discovered an ugly truth about me.
One of the first things Jesus noticed about my inner thinking was how fearful I am of things. So, even though what he said made no sense to me, I knew he was on to something. I asked him to elaborate. He said, “Maybe you had a really mean teacher growing up or your dad used to beat you and you are bringing this fear to your classroom.” It still made no sense how he was making any connection from the dogs to my dad. At least not to me. Again, in an instant I knew he was on to something because I was on the verge of tears. What in the world is going on here? I thought. How did we get to this topic and why after all these years does the mention of my dad and my childhood abuse* bring me to tears?
(*A side note about abuse: Legally speaking my father did nothing wrong, in fact most people probably wouldn’t even call it abuse, but for a sensitive child, what he did was severe enough to leave a deep scar in my mind and on my heart.)
I told him, “You’ve hit on something. My dad never beat us, but he was sometimes a little overly enthusiastic with the belt.” To this he winced.
[I didn’t tell him this, but my father was also very critical. It seemed to me that nothing we did was ever good enough. He came home angry most of the time and took it out on us. He was never affectionate or had any words of praise or encouragement. The only thing my father did encourage was our fear of worldly dangers and of him as a means of controlling us.]
I asked Ganesh, “What do I do with this?” He just shrugged and said, “I don’t know.”
That was it. That is all it took to get the tears rolling. And again now, as I type these words. I think I was getting hopeful that maybe if this guy can see so clearly into my emotions then maybe he has an answer for how to deal with them also. Because even after years of therapy I’m obviously not over it. As far as I know, my father’s actions haven’t left much of a trace on my other siblings, but they have left such a scar on me that you don’t have to know me long before you know about my dad.
So, needless to say, I came to my room to cry. But here I am, a 30 year old woman, still crying over things that I thought I had dealt with. For example, I have forgiven my father. I know that he was probably depressed for most of my childhood and was doing the best he could at the time. All in all, I had a relatively safe place to come home to with many comforts and a loving Mom. I know that my father loved and still loves me. My father has even apologized for not being a better dad. He even expressed some pride at the fact that I traveled halfway around the world by myself (which is what I wanted most as a little girl -- for my dad to express his pride in me). So why, after all these years, am I still drawn to tears over my childhood? I know I was brought up on fear, but how do I learn to get over it now?
July 21 --
Well, I've spoken with a few people, about yesterday's incident and they all have the same explanation for me -- each using their own analogies. I'll use one of my own.
Basically my childhood was the foundation of the house of my life. There was no foundation laid in the center of that house, but the house was still built up around that hole. From the outside, the house looks perfectly normal and for the most part, the house is functional. The kitchen, bathroom, bedroom, garage, they all work fine and are laid on a solid foundation. But anytime I have to walk through the living room I either carefully avoid the hole or fall in. After the house was already built and I realized that no one else was going to fill the hole for me, I started trying to to fill it myself. And that hole is no longer as deep as it used to be, but anyone who has been invited into my house can clearly see that something is wrong with the living room floor. My father, by apologizing, has helped to try to make the floor more functional, but this area will always be a little less sturdy than the rest of the house.
In other words, I'll never be completely over it, but at least I am healing.
Today was the day I was originally supposed to leave for home. And although I really want to be back in my Bub's arms I am so glad I decided to extend my trip. Today was the day I felt like I made the biggest "leap of faith". Last night I started reading a book called On the Road to Freedom written by a monk here that spent many years in India with different saints (Amma being the last and final saint). He is a westerner (grew up in Chicago) and so he explains things in a way that westerners can understand them.
Remember how I asked, why should one person bow to another, don't we all have God in us? He answers that very question and so now that I understand, I don't mind bowing to Amma (or her picture). So today I bowed to her three different times. Here is what convinced me:
"In India, one bows down to elders and holy men as a mark of respect and humility when meeting, as well as when leaving them. This is not done to flatter them. The ancients learned that every position or posture of the body affects the nervous system, which in turn affects the mind or mental attitudes. Pointing one's index finger at someone while talking for example, subtly increases one's feelings of self-importance, arrogance and perhaps anger as well. Likewise, bowing down to another person puts the mind in a receptive mood to receive advice from those who may be wiser than ourselves."
After reading this, I thought, okay I am going to bow down to Amma. Which then made me wonder, "Well why are you just going to take these ancients' word for it?" And then it dawned on me that I found faith in something. I haven't even read the ancient Indian scriptures (known as the Vedas) but I already have faith in them. Why? (This is where faith comes in.) I'm not 100% sure why, but I know part of it has to do with what I have learned about Ayur-Veda which comes from the Vedas. Both sets of knowledge/science were acquired the same way -- through years of meditation and then experimentation. These ancients would meditate -- have a vision or idea -- then check it out to see if it actually worked. They say that these things do work -- that (to who ever the anonymous person was who quoted some scripture) there is only one way to God. And I believe them.
They say this because they have tried it for thousands of years and found that only those who have followed this path have become enlightened. This is where Christianity and all the other religions get this idea of their way being the only way. It is actually not "their" way -- it is THE way interpreted differently at different times by different prophets. All true enlightened people will tell you to try an experiment -- "Follow what I say and see what happens. If you don't get the predicted outcome, by all means don't follow me anymore.
So this is how, on the day I was supposed to leave, I found my faith.
It is also the day they moved me from my comfortable and quiet room to another room down the hall that already had an occupant. It's not that bad -- sharing a room. I'm being really flexible and she seems to be very easy going (another French woman). It just isn't the same as being alone. Oh well. I think I'll leave tomorrow for Kochi (Cochin) anyway and stay there for one or two nights. Then I'll only have about a week left. Besides it was good for me to have to gather all my things and move them. It made me think about how much stuff I need to take back and how I'm going to do that.
July 22 --
Happy Birthday Estevan! Sorry I can't be there for your 16th birthday. Wait, did I just say 16? Damn -- if you're that old, that means I'm REALLY old!!! Anyway, Feliz Cumpleanos... y muchos mas! Wish I could be there to celebrate with you. Since I'm missing a pretty important birthday I'll try hard to find you a monkey. :)
This morning I woke up in a very good mood. I'm in Kochi. I arrived this afternoon around 3:00. I took an ashram taxi, but I think on my way back I'll either take a boat down the backwaters or a train just to have a different experience.
Almost as soon as I started off in the taxi, I realized that I had forgotten my wrist bands that Charmi gave me for motion sickness. Optimistically, I thought, maybe I won't need them. I of course needed them desperately. The roads were so bad and bumby and I was in the back of the suv. When I first came to the Ashram I had the wrist bands and I didn't feel a thing. So at first I tried to press on those pressure points with my thumbs, but you can't do them both at the same time. I finally gave up and I was very nauseous. I remembered reading in that book about how many of the great spiritual people suffer terribly from physical ailments and it is a way of #1 -- paying for past karma, and #2 -- teaching them to detach from the body. The swami who writes the book talks about his pain and how at times during his meditation or when being near Amma he is able to detach from the severe pain in his back and be at peace. I thought, maybe I can try that. I had about one second where I accomplished that and then it was gone. Still, it gave me hope.
My friend Bob told me about this place I'm staying at in Kochi called the Durbar Residency and I'm so glad he did. I would never have found this place otherwise. It wasn't listed in any travel I guide I looked in and it is off the main road. It is very quiet, clean, and inexpensive. I'm only paying 350 rps a night. He quoted me 550. I think the difference is I didn't get an A/C room. I'm so used to this heat, all I really need is a window and a fan. I have both.
After I got something to eat (at the Grand Hotel -- very expensive 213 rps for one meal) I walked around a little. I checked out all the shops that had clothing and fabrics, comparing prices. Most of them charge about the same. I prefer to buy just a punjabi top and most of the places are charging anywhere from 100 - 250 rps per shirt. Not bad -- just about or under $5. I bought a few things today. I got so many stares with my bald head. I'm not covering my head anymore and so I get some strange looks (and giggles).
Speaking of walking around with out my head covered -- people who came to the Ashram after I had shaved my head couldn't believe how dark my hair is. One girl even thought I was a blonde! HA!! I also had someone mention today how much weight I've lost. I didn't know it was that noticeable, especially with the big clothes that we wear. It is true though. Besides my clothes fitting differently, I can tell I lost a lot of weight because after a while of leaning back against the wall to type or read in my room my tailbone hurts so bad. I don't have all the padding I used to back there so there isn't much to cushion the tailbone. It's times like those that make me want to gain the weight back.
On my way back to the hotel, I saw a little Hindu shop, so I stopped in. I wanted to get some statues of Ganesha (the Hindu God that looks like an elephant -- he destroys obstacles). The man in there had very good English and was able to tell me a lot about the different statues and meanings behind them. I told him that I was looking specifically for a Ganesha statue (which he had a lot of). He said that this is the first God that is saluted at the beginning of any ceremony and he was very good to have in the house. Now I know you all are probably think -- if there is only one God, then why do Hindus have so many that they worship? Again -- they seem to be different Gods but actually they are all a different aspect of The One Supreme Being. They simply represent all of God's many powers. I was in there for a while.
Now I'm in my room just chillaxing. I flipped through the channels a little and found the Simpsons on! Can you believe it? Also, listening to the music on the commercials, you can tell how much rap and hip-hop have influenced the young culture here. It is really strange.
Tomorrow I will go pay my fee and then do some sight-seeing. I'd like to go to the islands. Kochi is a collection of small islands and a small section of mainland. I don't think there is much swimming that goes on in this area though. I think it is more of a port. Which is fine. I don't think I'd feel comfortable swimming by myself in the ocean anyway.
That's all for now. Love you all. Can't wait to be home.