Post 10

June 26 -- Well, I figure I’m stuck in my room, I might as well type of a blog entry. I can’t leave my room until maybe 4:00 pm this afternoon for my next Ayurvedic treatment. This morning after the shirovasti (sp?) a.k.a. head-needed-to-be-shaved-to-do-this-treatment, they gave me some really thick substance to drink that makes me go to the bathroom all day long. It cleans out the digestive tract. Which is a good thing, just not a good thing to go through. I have to drink warm water every thirty minutes, but I’m going to the bathroom every 15. For a while, I just stayed on the toilet... there was no point in getting off. Apparently they want me to go through this again before my treatment is over. Maybe I’ll just starve myself, so the next time it won’t be so miserable.

Next to the discomfort and sensitivity to rough, cheap toilet paper the worst part is trying not to sleep. They don’t want me napping, especially today. And, I think most of you know how much I like to sleep. So, I try pacing the floor, but that makes the discomfort and sensitivity worse. I’ve been reading a cheap-read book called The Host by Stephenie Meyer. She writes a series of vampire/werewolf love stories, I think. I tried to read them, but couldn’t get into to it. This one is different and it caught my attention right away. Nico gave it to me before she left. I didn’t think I’d actually read it, but it is turning out to be a nice distraction for now.

One of the “nuns” came and brought me my lunch right now. I have to eat only what they give me today. It is good for the digestive system. Rice and rice water and then a small side of vegetables. She said I could eat it in about an hour. Truth is, I’m not too hungry. I didn’t get to eat breakfast either. But, I think that stuff I had to drink -- ugh -- just thinking of it makes me want to puke-- I think it is so thick and moving so slowly, that I’m not feeling the hunger.

I was talking to one of the “nuns” this morning as she was doing my oil-on-the-shaved-head treatment. She said that they are called Barachinias (or something like that, I can’t remember exactly) -- not nun, but I’m going to use nun. She said they can join the ashram permanently at around 18 but most of them are older. She said it is totally their choice if they join and they can leave when they like, but they don’t want to leave. They keep the men and women very separate here. And not just in this ashram, the culture here keeps them very separate. I think this is why the men/boys here are so affectionate with each other. It is VERY normal for them to hold hands, hug, lay on each others’ laps, etc. I think they are lacking females to touch / flirt with so they use each other.

I love these “nuns”. They are soooooooo sweet and kind-hearted. They are the ones who do most of the treatments and they are totally focused on you for the entire thing. The one I spoke with this morning (I’m horrible with names -- especially ones that are not familiar to me) she is especially sweet. All I have to do is lift my hand to my head and she’s checking to see if I’m uncomfortable. I leaned down to pick up a stool the other day, to get on the massage table and she rushed over and got it for me. In the mornings, I usually stretch my neck out because all that oil on my head makes my neck strain. (Imagine a leather rectangle that is wrapped around the top of your head and sealed -- then they pour oil in that and it makes like a pool on your head.) She noticed my pain, so she started massaging my neck for me. The doctor, gives me hugs every time she sees me, like she is my mom. How can you not feel cared for? They don’t baby you in anyway -- they make you do the yucky stuff even if you don’t want to and they won’t sympathize and make sad faces when you complain. But, they will do whatever they can to make it more comfortable for you.

I haven’t been doing much seva since I started this ayurvedic treatment and the western kitchen ladies are not happy about this. I usually help chop the vegetables that will go into the meals. These ladies take their jobs a little too seriously I think. But theirs is a big responsibility. If the food isn’t ready, there will be a lot of hungry and angry people waiting on them. I’m a little frustrated, because technically, I don’t have to do any seva since I’m doing Panchakarma. It is highly recommended that you rest as much as possible. But, chopping vegetables isn’t too difficult and if I get tired I stop. Yesterday, I did stop and their heads shot up -- “Are you coming back?” I didn’t like the way they asked it. So, I think I might not help out there anymore. Maybe right before I leave (so they don’t poison my food) I’ll let them know that their attitudes really turn people off from helping out in the kitchen.

I absolutely love going to the beach. I don’t get to go often, but when I do -- it is gorgeous. I realized that for me -- nature is my religion. I feel that “there’s something more to this life” feeling only when I am witnessing powerful natural forces. I should have guessed this a long time ago (and maybe I did, but forgot it somehow). When I was a little girl, I used to beg to go out and play in the rain. When the rain turned dangerous, like tropical storms or hurricanes, I would sit in the garage, on the bumper of my parents’ car and just watch in complete awe. My mom never liked this. She wanted me inside where I’d be safe. I felt that I could never get close enough. I remember that I also used to be fascinated with the vastness of the sky. I could stare at it forever and never get sick of it. I wasn’t watching clouds so much as I was just in complete awe of the beauty and size of it all. It made me and all my problems feel so small. I miss that. In South Bend, it’s like someone has pulled a dark gray shade down over my beautiful view. That oppressive gray sky is enough to make you feel trapped.

Hmmm, I think it is time to move away from the midwest!

Okay, I’m really miserable now. I seriously cannot wipe anymore -- it hurts too much, but I also can’t stop going to the bathroom! I think I’ll bring everything into the bathroom and just camp out there. Then when I think I’m finally done, I’ll just take a cool shower. So, that’s bye for now. I’ll post this when I can leave my room again. :P

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A few hours later and MISERABLE is the only word I can think of to describe how I’m feeling. I fought the need to throw-up for almost 8 hours, but I couldn’t hold it back anymore. I threw up that nasty thick, saw-dust-like substance and it just made me want to throw up even more. It would get stuck in my throat and make me gag. YUCK!!!!! :P

Everyone has warned me about how difficult Panchakarma can be, but I was getting massages at the time, so I didn’t listen too closely. Plus, I didn’t want to be scared away from doing it. They say it is really emotional too. I did start crying for no apparent reason the other day during one of the massages. And then today, after throwing up what little food I did get to eat, feeling weak and miserable, I bumped my head on an iron staircase (I still had the throw-up taste in my mouth and I was trying to spit in an inconspicuous place) and I couldn’t help it... I cried. I felt so stupid. I couldn’t go back to my room and feel stupid though. Marta and Allison are leaving the ashram today and I was trying to say goodbye when this all happened. They were so sweet about it though. So sympathetic to my sensitive emotions.

Then I had to go get the Nasiam (sp?) treatment where they put drops of some medicated oil in your nostrils while your head is hanging upside down. Then you have breath in really HARD and start spitting. More YUCK! :P So, I was really really really not having a good day. Oh, and did I mention (boys close your eyes) I’m on my period? Yeah, yeah, I know. How much worse could it get? I’m hoping not much.

Good news is tomorrow I only have the oil-on-the-bald-head treatment and an oil bath. Ahhhh, just the thought makes me happy. This Panchakarma treatment is not for the weak. I used to think I was weak. Now, I’m feeling a lot stronger. Plus, I really think it is doing some good. I can totally see why westerners prefer pills to this. The pills cover up the symptoms. Curing the problem is hard work.

I’m starving right now. I can’t eat for another 3 hours. They want me to only eat from the Indian cafe tonight. Otherwise I’d drag my hungry self over the bridge and eat something right now. If I can’t eat and I feel miserable, then next thing I’d like to do is sleep, but again, that’s a no-no. They won’t let me escape this discomfort!! But this is a good thing, right? This is what I’m here for.

So, I was thinking... which I have plenty of time to do lately. I still feel uncomfortable with the whole worshipping a person like a God thing. I don’t know if I’ll ever feel comfortable with that. But what I do like about gurus is that they have to prove themselves worthy through their daily actions. In the western religions, I think all you really have to do is get a degree in theology. (I’m sure there is more, but this part I know for sure). Here in the east, it seems like no one is going to come listen to what you have to say until you have proven consistently over many years that you are a good, wise person. Now, after that they can turn as crooked as they want (and I understand some of them do), but at least there is more of a screening process. For example, I don’t how long a guru would be able to get away with molesting little kids before he/she was dismissed as a fraud and never heard of again. I don’t think they’d put up with for a second. Now I don’t know any of this as fact -- this is just the impression I get.

More thoughts to come later... I just don’t know when. Love you all and miss you!